Well, That Didn't Quite Work...

last post was in april... so much for trying to write more as an outlet. ah, well. let's see. update: working at rdv sportsplex as a glorified baby-sitter for minimum wage - not loving that, though i do like working parties and special events; no longer teaching at the studio as lukasz has apparently decided that, after working there for a year, i "don't fit in with the studio" (read: i'm not skinny, i don't wear tons of make-up or dress to the nines to teach kids tap and ballet, and i'm not fake); started slowly weaning myself off the zoloft, which went fine until i took myself off completely - the physical withdrawal symptoms are mild and i'm dealing, but apparently i'm still mentally and emotionally a bit more effed-up than i gave myself credit for. which sucks on two levels: 1) i'm finding myself easily overwhelmed and having mild anxiety issues about every-day things that i should be able to deal with without blinking; and b) i'm having problems assimilating and dealing empathically - i'm not sure if it's because i'd gotten so used to the zoloft causing me not to feel things at full-strength, or because i'm just not able to handle other people's thoughts and feelings right now without pharmaceutical assistance. i assume it's the second, because of that "emotionally effed-up" discovery. which is not particularly cool, but i'm not really sure how to fix it. i suppose i can either suck it up and deal and stay off the drugs, or i can give in and go back on the small dose i've been taking for the last 2 months. i'm really not sure which is the better option, really...

ok, that concludes the extremely-colonic-and-parenthetical portion of today's discussion. i'd like to say that my posts will be more positive as i work to make my life more positive, but i can't promise that. this is my outlet, after all, so it is what it is and i'll say what i need to say. i suppose i can try a disclaimer system to warn you not to read the negative stuff, though it's not like lots of people read this anyway, so you know, maybe i won't... :o)

FMF FTW!

the past thursday, friday, and saturday nights found me in downtown orlando bouncing from venue to venue for the florida music festival. great live music, bad band names (arnon armoth, anyone?), good friends, fantastic people-watching opportunities... all in all an amazing 3 days.

we all know i'm a live-music junkie as it is, so what better way to spend some time than watching some old favorites and discovering awesome new (well, new to me) bands?

people who don't suck:

(click on the name, and it will take you to a video...)

minus the bear

easy star all-stars

thomas wynn and the believers

tayler buono (not bad for a 17-year-old...)

the lighter exchange (featuring a friend who is also frontman for agr)

big 10-4

and of course, better than ezra. because you just gotta love kevin and the band. they're big fat dorks who happen to be excellent musicians. and they like getting up on a stage and playing with the audience. for example, as seen below: "if you have any troubles with fast-moving stuff, like flashing lights or strobes, and it makes you dizzy or you fall down... you might want to avert your eyes from my fretboard, because what you're about to see might just blow your mind!" (you may want to turn the sound down a bit - it's not the best quality. but still entertaining to watch...)

And So Appropriate With Easter Around the Corner...

this is one of my favorite scenes in the book, at the wedding in cana:

Just then Joshua stumbled through the gate and crashed into us. We were able to catch ourselves and him before anyone fell. The Messiah was holding the little girl's pet bunny, hugging it to his cheek with the big back feet swinging free. He was gloriously drunk. "Know what?" Josh said. "I love bunnies. They toil not, nor do they bark. Henceforth and from now on, I decree that whenever something bad happens to me, there shall be bunnies around. So it shall be written. Go ahead, Biff, write it down." He waved to me under the bunny, then turned and started back through the gate. "Where's the friggin' wine? I got a dry bunny over here!"

"See," I said to Maggie, "you don't want to miss out on that. Bunnies!"

i enjoy christopher moore as a writer. i have most of his books, but my favorite by far is Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, which i just finished re-reading. and please don't be put off by the blasphemous-sounding title; this book is brilliant. it's funny, touching, thought-provoking, and spiritual.

i was raised catholic, and if you've met me, you know i need to know the "why" of things. a lot of the things i was being taught were presented as fact without any reason behind it. it's not that i disbelieved what i was being taught, it's just that i wanted to know more. i needed to understand the people in the story, not just the story itself. my biggest issue, always, was the way jesus ("joshua" in the original hebrew, and how he is titled in the book) was described, personality-wise. as in, he had none. yes, he was the son of god, and yes, he had very important things to do and ideas to teach. but one of the central tenants of christianity is that jesus was just like us "in all ways except sin." if he was like us, where was the humanity? i get that he didn't sin, but didn't he get confused, happy, irritated, etc just like us? how else would he know the experience of being human? i know life was hard in that time and especially for jews under roman rule, but wouldn't there have been some humor, some spontaneity, even if it were just in self defense to keep from going crazy? and also: where did he learn all these things he taught as an adult? they were decidedly un-jewish concepts, and very eastern in their feel.

i think part of why this book sits well with me is because it just makes sense to me. yes, it's a work of fiction, and moore readily admits that several things included most likely could never have happened; but it's a beautiful story of a soul that is struggling to learn all he can so he can be messiah to his people. in lamb, joshua does not sin, but everything else about him is human. and if you have a person who cannot sin, then he needs someone to look out for him. you need someone like biff who's going keep him safe and do the lying and stealing and cheating when it's necessary for survival. who is, as raziel the angel states, a bit of an asshole. it just makes sense.

My Mother, Who Got Me Into This Business...

my mom called the other day to discuss this post, even though it had strict parental guidelines - as in, if you are my parent, you may not want to hear this stuff. convo went like this:

mom: so i read your entry-thingie you had posted on facebook, even though you said for me and rob not to...

me: it was just a "fair warning" kind of thing. i don't care if you read it.

mom: good, because i did. do you really feel this way?

me: which part?

mom: like you don't want a relationship at all?

me: absolutely. i'm am so beyond be able to trust someone and myself in that situation. can't do it.

mom: and you won't just sleep with someone... like one night stands or anything?

me: um, no. is this conversation going to make me uncomfortable soon?

mom: no, i'm just checking. you said you had morals. and you do. this is good, it means i raised you right. i'm glad you turned out that way - i did teach you something.

me: (starting to laugh) well, this IS all about you.

mom: of course it is! i don't want to have to say, "this is karen, my ho."

me: (snickering) well, i don't think you can call me your ho unless you're my pimp. in which case you'd be getting a percentage...

mom: nice. would it be enough to quit my job and live off you?

yep, we really have these conversations... :o)

FaceBook: Creating a False Reality Since 2004

i met the levins on libby's 5th birthday. they were an amazing family that came to the garden, and i spent the day playing with them in between my shows. rebecca got my email address so she could send me pictures when she developed them and scanned them in. (remember when we had to develop photos?) so we stayed in touch. she let me know when they were in town, and i would come meet them to play. i went on ships for a year, then started teaching, and rebecca and i kept up with each other pretty regularly. when they came down for mickey's not-so-scary halloween party, i met them at mk and hung out all night.

life, of course, gets busy. rebecca has 3 kids, and they were growing up. there were lessons and appointments, and personal family stuff to deal with. i was teaching high school lit and working with the theatre department, so my plate was pretty full too. i moved away for almost two years, moved back... through most of this we had facebook. rebecca and i communicate pretty often on the fb; sometimes it's just comments and captions, but often we're sending letters and pictures, talking about the kids and what's going on in our lives. so much so that i forgot how long it's been since i've seen them in real life - after all, just a few days ago we were "talking". and to paraphrase william goldman, what with one thing and another, 6 years went by. as rebecca said, facebook really creates a false sense of reality about your relationship with people. not that this is really a bad thing - i'm extremely grateful for her friendship and that i'm able to keep up with the girls' cheerleading team and sam's goings-on. the levins took an impromptu trip to the area and luckily we were able to meet up for dinner, and it was like i hung out with rebecca and the girls all the time. which i kinda do. just not in real life...

to put it in perspective:

I Wish My Life WERE Tofu

so, random deep conversations happened last night, sprinkled in amongst the normal ridiculousness and shenanigans. (i will post videos of said shenanigans later. because the dancing? it is amazing.) one of these was about how crappy my life outlook is right now and how i seem unable to change that, as much as i wish i could. "it's ok," bibi said. "you're life's just... tofu right now. just... bland. it happens." but i couldn't agree. life's been tofu before, and while it's not completely fun, it is at least acceptable. but it's not. it's like life's a plate of onions and peppers - it won't kill me or anything, but please take it away because it's going to make me very, very ill. and that's just... sad. really kinda depressing. how do i get out of that? how do i change that? i don't even want to turn it into, say, chicken marsala with garlic mashed potatoes and fresh peas. firstly, i'm pretty sure that's impossible, but even it's not, it's out of reach for now. i'll settle for tofu. tofu would be good. so how do i get there? how do i change my menu?

and now, to lighten the mood and counteract my ick, i present to you "big fish, little fish, cardboard box."

Best Quote of Last Night...

... goes to bibi. we were at universal and city walk last night because andy was in town and celebrating mardi gras (again). while in rising star, a bride-to-be took the stage and while at least she could actually sing, she and her harem drunkenly cavorted and made it very hard not to point and laugh. i commented, "see? this is why i wasn't going to have one of these. we are just not these girls." to which bibi replied, "oh, no, sweetie, i would've thrown you one. but it would've been classy. we would've been in evening gowns and all done up... and there would've been a stripper, but he would be a CLASSY stripper - he would start in tuxedo pants and those little cuffs..."

aaaaaaaaaand this is why we're friends.

I Wish I Were More Like Avril Lavign. Well, Sort Of...

we'll just start this by saying that if you don't see me, or WANT to see me, as a sexual creature - if you're my mom, or rob, who refuses to believe that neither i nor his sister could ever have sex, even though his sister has three kids... ok, i'm digressing a lot, but you see what i'm saying here. part of my ick right now has to do with the way i think about sex, so if you don't care about these things, please read no further.

i am - as we all know - a mess. which lots of people say and mean in various degrees of truth. the thing is, i'm really broken. and i don't know how - or even if - i can be fixed. i still only want one person, although that's impossible and incredibly pointless and rather stupid. i get all this logically, but it doesn't change anything. i'm also incredibly lonely and in desperate need of some male attention and/or company... buuuuuut i don't want a person in the abstract - you see my problem here? it's all very stupid.

i'm just not the sort of person that can do casual sex or even casual relationships. i'd like to, trust me, but it just doesn't work for me. part of it is the empath component. here's the cycle of stupidity that happens in my head: sex is obviously the closest you can physically be to another person, right? and since i'm someone who can physically feel people's energy from some distance, i obviously need to be comfortable with this person and his energy. and if i'm comfortable with his energy, then chances are that i like and respect him. and if i like and respect him, then it's probably someone i could be in a relationship with. it's a natural progression, and let's be honest: i'm a girl. i'm predisposed to emotional connections. so it's not likely that i will be able to just have a physical relationship without it spilling over into the emotional. and right now, i have absolutely NO ability to even CONSIDER an emotional relationship. i want be all, "all my life i've been good but now i'm thinking what the hell?" ala ms. lavign, but the truth is it doesn't work that way in my world. and also i have so many hang ups about disease and pregnancy that "casual" becomes too much work... and so i sit here. alone and lonely and no way to ease it.

ok, enough whining - i just needed to sort through my emotions and why i feel so craptastic right now. end rant.

Wow, How Time Flies When You're a Mess...

the last time i posted was on may 18th - nearly 10 months ago. i'm really not sure what happened, besides the fact that life became to much for me to even comment on any more. which i realize is kind of sad and pathetic, but there you have giraffes. to bring you - and me - up to speed, i'll just bullet point the last year...

• got stuck in virginia till the end of the school year. planned to spend a few weeks with my parents and then move back to florida.
• my grandfather died right as i was moving, and i ended up staying in mo-town for a couple months to help out and things.
• moved to florida at the end of august. stayed with rob for a few months while i attempted to save up money to have my own place.
• started teaching ballroom dance at various schools as an after-school program, and working with a dance studio as an assistant.
• only at the studio one day a week now, still teaching ballroom, will be teaching tap, jazz, and ballet as well. hoping this will continue to pay the bills...
• still a big fat emotional mess. can't always be bothered to get up in the morning. working on this.
• a friend of mine is staying with me for now whilst she sorts out some issues in her life. this is awesome because she rocks and it's nice to have the company - and the pressure to actually care about my home environment. however, it's been a while since i had a roommate, so i have to remember how to be a good one. (rob doesn't exactly count because a. we're very similar; 2. it's like living with family; and also i kinda had my own side of the house.)
• discovered that my medical issues and "fibromyalgia" seems to be, in fact, celiac disease. great that i can control it just with my diet; sucks because gluten is EVERYWHERE and it's become very inconvenient and expensive to eat.
  
  i think that about covers it. i'll try to actually post now. i think it's best if i give myself some sort of outlet, and i haven't in quite a while. we'll see how this goes...

Kindergarten Insight

to be honest, i’m really not cut out to teach little kids. i MUCH prefer my high-schoolers, thank you very much. i do, however, readily admit that little kids can be a great source of amusement. These are some of the things posted on the walls of the kindergarten/first grade pod at one of our “science club” schools.

first, sing with me now: "one of these things is not like the others..."

"oh, one of these things just doesn't belong..."

(“um, i kinda misunderstood the assignment…”)

and i love the reasoning behind their choices. for example, these may seem reasonable and obvious enough:

and then we have these:

simple, honest, and to the point. love it.