Today: A Pictorial in Hipstamatic

i guess i didn't enunciate...

we never got sporks with our school lunches!

umbrella-and-wellies weather

see?

invitation for my pseudo-nephew's birthday party - wish i could be there!

extra $5 i didn't know i owned = menchie's for dinner

a little light reading...

 

variations: rain on the windshield

home pedicure

more reading...

fortune cookie fortune

a little upload-and-connect time

This Week's Discoveries and Being Crafty

• i need a medium sized pot. for no readily explained reason, I have 3 very small pots and 2 ginormous ones. if I want to make, say, mac and cheese, I need to put more water on to boil than fits in the small pot. but I only have to fill up a third of the big one. ah, first-world problems.  

• I discovered half a bottle of aged tawny port in my cupboard I totally forgot I had. luckily, port doesn't go bad as long as its stored in a cool, dark place, so it's still delicious. I have the alcoholic taste of a 70-year-old man, apparently.  

• I got crafty last weekend and made a magnetic board for the make-up I use most often I'm order to get it up off my bathroom counter. bought a black magnetic office board, attached magnetic tape to the back of my make-up, ran two lengths of ribbons around the bottom of the board to fasten my hair clipies to, and voila! I am extraordinarily pleased with it. I kinda want to do this to all the things in my house now...

I Think I'm Too Old for This...

thoughts from the past few days...

• why do i feel like i've been struggling so hard (and constantly) the past 4 years? well, because i have, i suppose, but why is this so hard? why can't i find the right place to be? it never used to be this hard to figure things out. things fell into my lap, or at least drifted across my field of vision, and i took the opportunities as they presented themselves. now it seems to be slim pickings; and what does appear tends to be place-holder or filler positions. i don't understand why it's been nearly impossible for me to be find a full-time position where my talents are needed. or even just a full-time position (preferably with benefits), period. i know it may not be the best option, but seriously, i need to be able to support myself and keep a roof over my head. it's becoming ridiculous.
• i've been ill the past 4 days and haven't been able to keep anything down. well, that's not entirely true. i've eaten a whole banana and some powerade. anyway, my point here is this: after 2 days without food i started having pain and weakness because of the malnutrition. i assume my body is just hypersensitive because of the celiac and the fact that i suffered from malnutrition for almost 3 years, but that's what it is... all the pain and fatigue i experienced was caused by lack of vitamins and protein and things. which made me wonder, how do people who suffer from eating disorders and things do it? because certainly they're afflicted with a lot of the same symptoms i had.  it was nearly impossible to get up in the morning, it hurt to do anything, i could barely walk up a flight of stairs, my mind was stupid-fuzzy all the time... how do you go through that willingly? i get that's it's a mental disorder, but most people with anorexia put on a happy face and act mostly normal outside of their food issues. how do they not fall over all the time? do they just discard the constant pain, because it's really hard to push past that... just a random thought that has nothing to do with anything.
• i'm attempting to start to do something with my penguin stories. i have 4 or 5 of them finished, and they've been sitting around for about 10 years - they need to see the light of day. but broaching the publishing world is a bit overwhelming. do i self publish? i just now (after many years of attempting) got sample sketches of the two main characters. it could take a really long time to get a full book of illustrations out of frank. if i attempt to go with a publisher, do i get an agent? most places generally agree that this speeds the process along. but also, most publishers prefer to use their own illustrators - so do i trust someone i've never met to put an image to my babies? and and all the uber-talented and creative people i know, none of them have anything to do with the publishing industry, so there's no insider help for me. ugh. it's a lot to think about.
• i think - and this is hard to admit - that even though i took myself off medications a while ago (which i still think was the right thing to do), i don't think i'm totally at "fully operational" yet. which i had kidded myself into thinking i was. and may well be part of my problem in moving forward, or not, as the case may be. i don't know how to make myself happier so i can get to a better place, when the constant struggling puts me in an unhappy place. stupid emotional catch 22.
• on a more positive note, i realized that i'm most over the jon relationship trauma. not completely, mind you - that wound runs pretty deep, and unfortunately it seems to make connections with every other relationship i've had/attempted pretty much ever... so it's probably fair to say it's still a work in progress. but the pain is not crippling. it's not even something that enters my thoughts much any more, at least not on a daily basis. so that's good, right? i guess it's possible that it's just because i'm preoccupied with other stresses, but still... it's something. i'll take what i can get right now.
• every time i take a job for the sake of having a job and a paycheck, it does not go well, and it does not last long. and for the record, universe, i get it. i get that i'm not meant to be there, and therefore i'm forced out one way or another. i get it. but if there's nothing better for me at the time, what am i supposed to do? i can't just be unemployed until the perfect opportunity presents itself, unless you also plan to let me or a close friend or family member win the lottery. because otherwise, i need a roof and food and stuff. just saying.
• i do, however, think i'm getting closer to being more connected, like i used to be. i'm not totally there, but i feel more connected to myself than i've been in quite a while, and that's certainly a start. 
• ok, i think i've emptied out some of the extraneous mind junk. that's enough for now...

There Can Be Only One

I borrowed a ridiculous amount of DVDs from Eric - a bunch of tv series with which to occupy my time. (side note: I started with "Eli stone", which I don't think I'd even heard of before, and fell in love with it. it was a brilliant series even though it was only one for two very short seasons.) I am currently watching season 1 of "highlander: the series", which I watched and liked in the early 90's - and oh, how very early 90's it is. the layer of cheese is so thick, it's fantastically valveeta-y. a couple of thoughts, which i will continue to add to as i continue to watch:

• I forgot just how beautiful a man Adrian Paul was. or is. with bone structure like that, I'm sure he's aged really well.
• I learned through imdb that he was actually a dancer and choreographer before coming to the us. which makes sense - he's a graceful man.
• I don't think I actually saw season one - or not to the point I'm at now. I remember the writing and storylines to be fairly decent... but as of now, the writing is... not so much. the directing is super cheesy - overly dramatic music at dramatic moments, long close-up shots on pensive faces before commercial breaks, the whole 9 yards. it's also very clear at the beginning that both Duncan and Connor realize that Ritchie could be an immortal - a fact I never realized; I remember being shocked when he didn't die after he and tess are killed. so I'm thinking I never saw the start.
• oh, the technology! just 20 years ago, and huge brick cell phones - which two whole people own at this time. and the computer systems! or lack thereof. I just watched an episode where a guy actually had photo enhancing software - that took all night to scan and use. and the terminal screen was black with white ms dos scripts running on it. how fantastically primitive it seems because we've come so far so fast.
• I really love Tess as a character. she could easily be weak, but right from the start she's portrayed as strong and resilient, which is cool in a show where most of the strong leads are men. especially for 20 years ago.
• it hurts my head that high school was 20 years ago. EARLY high school, but high school nonetheless.
• a feature of the DVD that absolutely cracks me up is the scene selections for each episode. you can choose from 5 different parts of the episode, OR - if there's an immortal death involved - you can select the "Q" and go straight to the kill shot and the quickening - excellent low-budget electricity fx, for the win!
• oh, the guest stars and their inability to act. vanity, anyone?
• mid-way through season one, and I remember this episode. or parts of it. this may well have been where I came into the series...

Dancing Giraffes

this photo makes me laugh, and it reminds me of my favorite headset conversation at FoLK (festival of the lion king, for non-disney people), which happened during "be prepared" ...

show control: giraffe?

me: yes, cheryl?

sc: whatcha doin?

me: fire wand routine.

sc: i see that. (pause) why?

me: well, we're down a girl. and i know the routine. and vicky [the giraffe puppet] is a good dancer.

sc: yes, we are. and yes, you do. and yes, she is. (long pause) giraffe?

me: yes, cheryl?

sc: how did Vicky get a raffia wand in her mouth?

me: savannah animals are very nice. and helpful.

sc: I see. (pause) giraffe?

me: yes, cheryl?

sc: don't ever do fire wand routine when i'm not the stage manager.

me: ok, cheryl!

Random Morning Musings

• i dislike the "in-between sick" feeling when you're just ill enough to feel like absolute crap, but not bad enough to justify staying in bed and shirking all responsibilities.
• a fine layer of roto resin on your skin works almost as well as latex as old age make-up. the problem being of course that it does NOT want to come off. i look like i have dragon skin on my right arm. so not cute.
• i am strong and adaptable; i can deal with almost anything as long as i know what's going on. i am useless if the situation i am in is nebulous and undefined. my mind just goes around in circles forever unless something definitive stops it. meanwhile, i just drive myself crazy. therefore...
• i strongly believe knowing is better than not knowing. always. or almost always - i'm sure there's an exception to this rule out there somewhere... there usually is. but in general (and specifically with me), even the worst things can be dealt with effectively if only i know what i'm dealing with. also, i need closure so my mind can shut up about things, and closure can't happen if i don't know what's going on.
• there is a very fine line for me between something building up and being completely overwhelming. and if i'm overwhelmed, i just shut down and can't deal with it. and this sounds very deep and emotional, but mostly it just applies to stupid things. like my apartment. it's become a bit of a disaster lately - not dirty, just... stuff everywhere, with things strewn about where i've left them instead of where they should be. it sort of crept up on me, and by the time i realized it was getting out of control, well, it was too late. my brain could no longer figure out where to start and therefore relegated it to the "i'll deal with it later" file. but since "later" has no specific date, it'll never get done. luckily i'll be moving in a few months, so i'll fix it then - and hopefully organize myself successfully enough in the new place (wherever that may be) so that this won't happen as easily.
• which is a theory that might work. i am, after all, in a better head space than i was a year and a half ago when i moved back down here. i'm still having moments - a few too many lately, if you ask me; but what can you do? - but my inability to deal with life is directly linked with how i keep my living space. if i can't deal with life, i can't be bothered with my surroundings. i'm ocd enough that germs and ickiness are not tolerated, but everything else? whatever. i'll try to set up my new place like i'm actually expecting people to come over and things...
• although i am occasionally a very social person, i only have a few close friends. i've always been like that - nothing new there. but lately (as i struggle with the loneliness) i'm struggling with that as well. when you only hang out with 3 or 4 people, and their schedules are all different from yours, you don't really get out much. well, i don't anyway. and sometimes i want to go out and be around people and meet people and have lots of friends to hang out with. but you know, not really. people are a lot of work. and being around a lot of random people is exhausting when you're picking up on everyone's energy and emotions, no matter how well you shield yourself. in the end, i'd much rather just hang out with someone i'm completely comfortable with. but that's a short list. and i do add to the list from time to time, but still...
• that circular thought pattern got away from me there, and wandered dangerously close to self-pity. sorry. and i apologize again, because the next thought is a bit self-indulgent as well...
• i am so very tired of being alone and being left behind. i've never been one of those people who needs to be with someone to be happy - and good thing too, given my extremely sparse dating life - and i'm very self-reliant. but you know what? i'd like to not be lonely for a while. or ever. whatever. however...
• while i'm very good at being in a relationship - from my limited experience anyway - i am absolute rubbish at everything leading up that. i have no idea of the standard social norms and protocols for dating or flirting are. everyone else seems to understand these things inherently; i am clueless. i don't understand games or tactics or anything like that. (i think this is why jr. high sucked so badly for me - it's ALL about social tactics and mind games and i had no idea what was going on. ever.) i'm even worse now that i'm afraid to put myself out there again.
• and also there's the fact that i never want things in the abstract. i don't want simply to date anyone. i don't - and can't - just let anyone in to my life. so it's got to be someone that fits. and that narrows down the possibilities to a sliver. that doesn't help. i could easily "not be alone" but that isn't the same as being happy with someone.
• apparently, my head was a bit fuller than i thought. and with weightier things than i thought. ah, well. i suppose it's better to blather on than to leave them stuck in my head.
• you know what i really want? a jelly donut. i've been craving one for the last month or so, something fierce. it's something i just can't find a gluten-free equivalent for. which is extremely sad. jelly donuts are good.
• today is a cure kind of day. "mint car" just came on and pretty much made my day.
• that is all for now. i think.

Come to the Water

there are a few constant truths in my life, and it always amazes me when I forget them. or, if not forget, then push them to the side. it all makes sense at the time; it's inconvenient, or it'll cost money I don't have, or I don't have a day off, or whatever. but I really should know better by now. I DO know better. sometimes I just make poor choices based on malaise or convenience or just plain laziness. because rule number one is not "the doctor lies", it is "go to the beach". or any shoreline, really - sand does not actually have to be involved. there is something about being in a place that's a crossroads of all the elements - it centers me in a way nothing else does. I may have only been on the beach for a few hours last sunday, reading and sitting and then wandering around, but those few hours rebooted me entirely. things I'd been thinking over and worrying about and meditating on for weeks or months just melted away into clear answers. or maybe not clear answers, exactly, but certainly a calmer acceptance of where I am and how to deal with it. or not deal with it and just be. because apparently being beachside makes me into a yoda-like zen master. at least for a little while. and when wears off and I go back to being anxiety-girl, could you kindly order my excuse-finding ass back to the beach? thanks.

I Love My People

paul, a friend from high school, was in town on a job. he and his his co-pilot - for he flies planes for a private company - were looking for something to do. luckily for them it was a Thursday night; we all know I rarely do anything and am something less than a social butterfly. I am completely out of touch with normal going-out-and-partying type things. but thursdays, I can offer open-mic night. so I did. and I asked some other people to come play, and they did, and I believe a good time was had by all. I know a good time was had by me, anyway.

rob: she's a dancer. she has to do everything with a flourish.
me: but not on purpose. I think I'm just extra ridiculous all the time, and flourishes are the result.
rob: yes, that's exactly it, actually.

eric: she likes nsync AND mylie cyrus? where do you find these people?
me: she's a new friend, I take no responsibility. you can blame rob.

me: (to paul) so not much has changed since high school - all my friends are still fun. and completely ridiculous.

pat: in brazil we are rude and push people and we not care about others.
me: that's an eastern european accent you're using.
pat: in brazil we sound like russian. this is what I learn at my job.

erin: (for the 7th time in as many minutes) but see, I'm married -
eric: is she married?
rob: well, she's married....
me: she really wants us to know this.
eric: or she's trying to convince herself...
rob: that's much more likely.
erin: (who has not heard any of this aside) what? I'm married, and....

me: you should go sing something.
paul: um, no.
me: why? you were IN a band once...
paul: yeah, that was a LONG time ago.
me: I'm sure it's like riding a bike...
paul: yeah, no. it's probably more like flying a plane - if you forget something you don't just fall down, someone could die...

He Has A Point...

me: good lord, i have issues. how do i make it through the day?

john: vodka?

me: no. hmm. maybe that's the problem.

john: obviously.

Mom Does It Again...

text from my mother this morning...

'Had a dream the other night where the 4 of us were on a winding road in the van. Dad fell asleep at the wheel. I took the wheel and kicked his foot off the gas pedal. Mayzie and I was ok, you and dad were thrown from the van. Dad was sliding down the hill so I was hanging on to him. They took you to the hospital with two holes in your left thigh, and all the doctor had to say was, "really Karen, 2 tattoos of sesame street on your leg?"'

for the record, I have no muppets on my person, nor do I ever plan to, no matter how much i may like them. I promise.

As Long As I Don't Think About it Too Hard... (Too Late)

I'm not anywhere close to even entertaining the possibility of being slightly ready for anything. at all. I'm still a big fat mess. i'm easily a year (or more) from being emotionally stable enough to consider letting someone else in. and i'm pretty sure that even if i can, i'll have a much smaller range of motion, emotionally. not sure there's even much of a point, but i digress.

but he makes me smile and I am appreciative of that. i'm not sure if i'm capable of moving forward - i'm still not completely over my life imploding, i'm very distrustful of my ability to have a relationship without being left, and (clearly) have serious abandonment issues. so there's nowhere to go for me, and no way to know if i'll ever be able to do anything about how i feel. but i'm very thankful that there's someone who gets me, who makes me laugh, and makes me feel a little better about life. and i will enjoy that for as long as i can...

Clearly, the Ridiculousness is Hereditary...

my mother: hey, i just saw those photos you posted yesterday. those are some really beautiful pictures of you.

me: thanks, mom!

mom: you know how everyone says you look like me? i had no idea i was so gorgeous...

me: good lord, woman. i'm hanging up on you now...

Turning a Page (I Hope)

the last 2 years have sucked, this we know. and actually, i've been having a really hard time getting my feet under me for the last 3 and half years, several months of love-induced bliss aside. but the last few days have felt... better. after a really horrific and emotional (and shoe-less) birthday, i think i may finally be on an upswing. and it's a solid feeling, too - i'm waking up feeling a teensy bit better about life in general. even my habitual mantra of "i hate life" isn't popping into my head so often. well, here's hoping...

A Little Musical Wisdom

You remember there's more than this
There always was and always is
Tend the artist in your charges, you are full invested

Rise up your dead

There's life in the old girl yet

-indigo girls

p.s. do yourself a favor and create a "cowboy mouth" station on pandora. even if you don't know who they are. especially if you don't know. it is a most awesome station... trust me.

And So Appropriate With Easter Around the Corner...

this is one of my favorite scenes in the book, at the wedding in cana:

Just then Joshua stumbled through the gate and crashed into us. We were able to catch ourselves and him before anyone fell. The Messiah was holding the little girl's pet bunny, hugging it to his cheek with the big back feet swinging free. He was gloriously drunk. "Know what?" Josh said. "I love bunnies. They toil not, nor do they bark. Henceforth and from now on, I decree that whenever something bad happens to me, there shall be bunnies around. So it shall be written. Go ahead, Biff, write it down." He waved to me under the bunny, then turned and started back through the gate. "Where's the friggin' wine? I got a dry bunny over here!"

"See," I said to Maggie, "you don't want to miss out on that. Bunnies!"

i enjoy christopher moore as a writer. i have most of his books, but my favorite by far is Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, which i just finished re-reading. and please don't be put off by the blasphemous-sounding title; this book is brilliant. it's funny, touching, thought-provoking, and spiritual.

i was raised catholic, and if you've met me, you know i need to know the "why" of things. a lot of the things i was being taught were presented as fact without any reason behind it. it's not that i disbelieved what i was being taught, it's just that i wanted to know more. i needed to understand the people in the story, not just the story itself. my biggest issue, always, was the way jesus ("joshua" in the original hebrew, and how he is titled in the book) was described, personality-wise. as in, he had none. yes, he was the son of god, and yes, he had very important things to do and ideas to teach. but one of the central tenants of christianity is that jesus was just like us "in all ways except sin." if he was like us, where was the humanity? i get that he didn't sin, but didn't he get confused, happy, irritated, etc just like us? how else would he know the experience of being human? i know life was hard in that time and especially for jews under roman rule, but wouldn't there have been some humor, some spontaneity, even if it were just in self defense to keep from going crazy? and also: where did he learn all these things he taught as an adult? they were decidedly un-jewish concepts, and very eastern in their feel.

i think part of why this book sits well with me is because it just makes sense to me. yes, it's a work of fiction, and moore readily admits that several things included most likely could never have happened; but it's a beautiful story of a soul that is struggling to learn all he can so he can be messiah to his people. in lamb, joshua does not sin, but everything else about him is human. and if you have a person who cannot sin, then he needs someone to look out for him. you need someone like biff who's going keep him safe and do the lying and stealing and cheating when it's necessary for survival. who is, as raziel the angel states, a bit of an asshole. it just makes sense.

My Mother, Who Got Me Into This Business...

my mom called the other day to discuss this post, even though it had strict parental guidelines - as in, if you are my parent, you may not want to hear this stuff. convo went like this:

mom: so i read your entry-thingie you had posted on facebook, even though you said for me and rob not to...

me: it was just a "fair warning" kind of thing. i don't care if you read it.

mom: good, because i did. do you really feel this way?

me: which part?

mom: like you don't want a relationship at all?

me: absolutely. i'm am so beyond be able to trust someone and myself in that situation. can't do it.

mom: and you won't just sleep with someone... like one night stands or anything?

me: um, no. is this conversation going to make me uncomfortable soon?

mom: no, i'm just checking. you said you had morals. and you do. this is good, it means i raised you right. i'm glad you turned out that way - i did teach you something.

me: (starting to laugh) well, this IS all about you.

mom: of course it is! i don't want to have to say, "this is karen, my ho."

me: (snickering) well, i don't think you can call me your ho unless you're my pimp. in which case you'd be getting a percentage...

mom: nice. would it be enough to quit my job and live off you?

yep, we really have these conversations... :o)

I Wish My Life WERE Tofu

so, random deep conversations happened last night, sprinkled in amongst the normal ridiculousness and shenanigans. (i will post videos of said shenanigans later. because the dancing? it is amazing.) one of these was about how crappy my life outlook is right now and how i seem unable to change that, as much as i wish i could. "it's ok," bibi said. "you're life's just... tofu right now. just... bland. it happens." but i couldn't agree. life's been tofu before, and while it's not completely fun, it is at least acceptable. but it's not. it's like life's a plate of onions and peppers - it won't kill me or anything, but please take it away because it's going to make me very, very ill. and that's just... sad. really kinda depressing. how do i get out of that? how do i change that? i don't even want to turn it into, say, chicken marsala with garlic mashed potatoes and fresh peas. firstly, i'm pretty sure that's impossible, but even it's not, it's out of reach for now. i'll settle for tofu. tofu would be good. so how do i get there? how do i change my menu?

and now, to lighten the mood and counteract my ick, i present to you "big fish, little fish, cardboard box."

Best Quote of Last Night...

... goes to bibi. we were at universal and city walk last night because andy was in town and celebrating mardi gras (again). while in rising star, a bride-to-be took the stage and while at least she could actually sing, she and her harem drunkenly cavorted and made it very hard not to point and laugh. i commented, "see? this is why i wasn't going to have one of these. we are just not these girls." to which bibi replied, "oh, no, sweetie, i would've thrown you one. but it would've been classy. we would've been in evening gowns and all done up... and there would've been a stripper, but he would be a CLASSY stripper - he would start in tuxedo pants and those little cuffs..."

aaaaaaaaaand this is why we're friends.

Kindergarten Insight

to be honest, i’m really not cut out to teach little kids. i MUCH prefer my high-schoolers, thank you very much. i do, however, readily admit that little kids can be a great source of amusement. These are some of the things posted on the walls of the kindergarten/first grade pod at one of our “science club” schools.

first, sing with me now: "one of these things is not like the others..."

"oh, one of these things just doesn't belong..."

(“um, i kinda misunderstood the assignment…”)

and i love the reasoning behind their choices. for example, these may seem reasonable and obvious enough:

and then we have these:

simple, honest, and to the point. love it.

Val and B.B. - A Tale of Two Intoxicating Women

from radio freefall: "the two women in the group... were as different from each other as valium and crystal meth."

i think this is an excellent description of me and charissa; both are very potent drugs, but they work in very different ways. when i sent this to c, she immediately and completely agreed. obviously (if you've ever met us, this will be easy to figure out) she is meth, and i am valium. i think it's part of why we work well as friends - we're opposites in a lot of ways, and we tend to balance each other out. almost immediately my nickname became "val", but meth proved harder to work with. "crystal" or "crys" just don't fit her, and are too close to her actual name anyway. "meth" is a stupid name for a person. c.m. (her actual initials, funnily enough) doesn't work either. so we started looking at street names for it. enter "black beauty" - a nickname for meth and the perfect (and very appropriate) one for her. we're using "b" or "b.b." for short. should i be concerned that a quote about drugs is what inspires our nicknames? i suppose it's just life imitating art, or in our case, art imitating life...