I Wish I Were More Like Avril Lavign. Well, Sort Of...

we'll just start this by saying that if you don't see me, or WANT to see me, as a sexual creature - if you're my mom, or rob, who refuses to believe that neither i nor his sister could ever have sex, even though his sister has three kids... ok, i'm digressing a lot, but you see what i'm saying here. part of my ick right now has to do with the way i think about sex, so if you don't care about these things, please read no further.

i am - as we all know - a mess. which lots of people say and mean in various degrees of truth. the thing is, i'm really broken. and i don't know how - or even if - i can be fixed. i still only want one person, although that's impossible and incredibly pointless and rather stupid. i get all this logically, but it doesn't change anything. i'm also incredibly lonely and in desperate need of some male attention and/or company... buuuuuut i don't want a person in the abstract - you see my problem here? it's all very stupid.

i'm just not the sort of person that can do casual sex or even casual relationships. i'd like to, trust me, but it just doesn't work for me. part of it is the empath component. here's the cycle of stupidity that happens in my head: sex is obviously the closest you can physically be to another person, right? and since i'm someone who can physically feel people's energy from some distance, i obviously need to be comfortable with this person and his energy. and if i'm comfortable with his energy, then chances are that i like and respect him. and if i like and respect him, then it's probably someone i could be in a relationship with. it's a natural progression, and let's be honest: i'm a girl. i'm predisposed to emotional connections. so it's not likely that i will be able to just have a physical relationship without it spilling over into the emotional. and right now, i have absolutely NO ability to even CONSIDER an emotional relationship. i want be all, "all my life i've been good but now i'm thinking what the hell?" ala ms. lavign, but the truth is it doesn't work that way in my world. and also i have so many hang ups about disease and pregnancy that "casual" becomes too much work... and so i sit here. alone and lonely and no way to ease it.

ok, enough whining - i just needed to sort through my emotions and why i feel so craptastic right now. end rant.