Officially Counting Down...

yes, i know i'm a big fat dork. please shut up. it's just that i'm crazy excited, and clearly this excitement has robbed me of my senses temporarily. hopefully, i will be able to return you to your regularly scheduled karen shortly...

But What Am I Going To Wear?

i'm not sure if the following story makes a statement about the kind of person i am, that c is, or about our friendship in general... (possibly all of the above.)

c called me earlier this evening and said, "ok, so just be aware, you and i are going to slovakia.  possibly soon."  my first question was, "when are we going?" the second, "what's the weather like?" which naturally led to, "what should i pack?" and then, "how am i affording this?" not until about 8 or 9 on the question list did i finally come up with "wait, WHY are we going to slovakia?"  nope, didn't even crack the top 5 in the List of Pertinent Information about taking a trip half-way around the world to places i've never been and don't speak even the slightest bit of the language. 

i have priorities, it just seems as though they're in a slightly different order from the rest of the world...

Just Hand Me the Green Sippy Cup And No One Gets Hurt

this past weekend i went to orlando for a little r & r, some bnl, and a few other initials. the flight i found took me up to nyc before heading down to florida - because clearly, it's cheaper to take 2 flights instead of one and head north before going south - but should have been fairly easy. flight at 12:50, an hour layover at jfk, then into orlando at 5:40. yeah, i should know better. i found bwi, parked out in the long-term lot, and made it to my flight on time. i boarded the plane and we started toward the runway. then we sat there. and sat there. finally the captain came on, appologized, and explained that jfk was "regulating the volume of planes in and out of the airport," and we'd be sitting on the tarmac for another 50 minutes till we were cleared to leave. fantastic. then later in the flight, we were instructed to go into a holding pattern over atlantic city. when we finally touched down, and i made my way to the terminal (just 2 minutes before my next flight was scheduled to leave), i found out that it had actually left early. lovely. ok, no problem, just have to find the next flight. which wasn't till 8:30 that night. it was the only other flight from jfk to mco. so eventually they found me a flight to boston, which then connected with a flight to orlando. fine. then the flight to boston was delayed. when i got to boston, i had to switch airlines, and therefore terminals. wonderful. seriously, i must have walked over a mile - and quickly - to get to the delta flight. there were no trams, so i had to hoof it through corridor after corridor, down an escalator, and to another terminal, where i had to go through security again. at this point, it's 7:05 and my flight is set to leave at 7:20. and of course they have to look through my bag. "i'm never making my flight," i said wearily to the nice man who had to shake down my luggage. "what time?" he asked. i told him. "no problem, just head down that escalator and it'll be straight ahead. good! down the escalator, check. then.... not so much. three more long corridors (two of which had people-movers that were broken) up another escalator, then down to the end of the terminal to get to the gate. i was the next to last person to get on before the aircraft doors were shut. luckily we had an extremely entertaining old queen of a flight attendant that made me laugh. plus, my card wouldn't go through when i tried to pay for a fruit and cheese tray (i hadn't been able to eat since noon-ish), so he gave it to me for free. when i finally got to orlando, and finally got to rob's car, he handed me a green sippy cup (well, a sports bottle) full of gentleman jack and coke. and that, dear reader, is a good friend.

No, You Can't Say the Zed Word!

sheer brilliance.

apparently, some people (who would probably be my friends if i knew them) hacked into the computers for construction signs in austin, texas. they changed them to things like this:






other choices included, "the end is near!", "nazi zombies! run!", and the less creative (i think) "run for colder climates!". of course, it IS technically a crime, so the perps did get caught... but it's still fantastic. it totally would have made my drive to work. you can read the full story here.

Just Can't Help Being All Shook Up In My Blue Suede Shoes By My Burning Love When You Love Me Tender In Las Vegas. Love, Your Teddy Bear

john and i are planning a trip to vegas for sometime this year. clearly, research needs to go into this. i mean, you can’t just show up to the Frivolity Capital of the World without a game plan. there are so many things to do, it would be easy to become overwhelmed. so we started info-gathering. it started with three categories: shows; activities, clubs, etc.; and shopping. (because of course there were charts and graphs that needed to be made…) i have since changed the categories to "legit stuff," "ridiculousness," and "clearly we need to do this." and yes, i realize that some items in the “ridiculousness” and “clearly we need to do this” groups will overlap, but whatever. i’ll get to these charts at a later blog, i’m sure, but really this is all just exposition for the point of this blog. after the obvious suggestions – cirque du soleil, roulette, elvis impersonators – john suddenly took in a big dramatic breath.

“ooh! We should totally get married in vegas! by elvis, of course.”

it should be noted that honestly, i love this idea. it’s hilarious, tacky, ridiculous, and totally us. you just have to kind of ignore the fact that we both like boys and aren’t remotely attracted to each other. (well, we’re both attractive people, and we cannot take a bad picture together, but you know what i mean. and wow, did that sound conceited. ah, well – the picture thing is true, though. i'll put up the evidence in a later blog.) unfortunately, both of our mothers are staunch catholics and they would most probably disown us both if we did so. (john’s response: “hey, my parents might actually be excited that I’m marrying a girl.” but i can already hear my mother preparing a “marriage is a sacrament” speech, and john was forced to admit that we’d be yelled at by both sets of in-laws. it would be bad enough to be disowned by my own mother; but being renounced by both of them would certainly be traumatic.) but we are creative people, and naturally we found a way to get around this: we figured that none of these places is going to care if we don't have a marriage certificate as long as we let them know that WE know this. we can turn it into a “platonic soul mates” ceremony or something...

so we set about researching places to get married by elvis. because, really, if you’re going to get married in vegas, it really ought to be by the king, or by one of those drive-thru wedding chapels. otherwise, why even bother with vegas? (the one exception being people like my friend jen, who was actually from vegas, and had most of her family there.) this is my favorite site…. i was reading these out to john over the phone and i could barely speak because i was laughing so hard. there were at least two points in the conversation that i had to stop completely and just dissolve into giggles. this place is a gold mine of ridiculousness – it’s brilliant. the best parts:

1. can’t afford a hawaiian wedding? no problem – you can purchase the "blue hawaii" theme wedding. (hula dancer only an additional $140!)
2. no matter what package you choose, you get a copy of elvis and priscilla’s wedding certificate. perfect for framing next to yours, or for any of your scrapbooking needs.
3. elvis will escort the bride down the aisle. way swankier than be given away by your father, or anyone else that you might actually know in real life.
4. there are choices of themes for elvis. you can choose “gold lame," “black leather jumpsuit, “ or “aloha” for an additional fee. you know, just in case black leather doesn’t go with your bridal colors.
5. if you can’t decide, there’s always the “the famous dueling elvis package” – not one but TWO, that’s right, TWO elvises. you get a young elvis in gold lame, and (i would guess) an (older, fatter) elvis in his flashy sequined 70’s las vegas jumpsuit!
6. “flashy sequined 70’s las vegas jumpsuit” is actually a direct quote from the website. behold it’s awesome selling power!
7. you have the ability to have pictures like these in your wedding album:

8. you can be like these people! (actual website copy: “Las Vegas Weddings: Wedding in Las Vegas is one of the best wedding ideas- join the likes of Jon Bon Jovi and Billy Ray Cyrus!”) a few questions, people… do you really want to be just like billy ray cyrus?

i mean, look at that hair, people! you can't follow the example of someone who looks like this on purpose!

and i’m confused; is jon bon jovi marrying this guy?

oh, wait… this makes more sense…

and who exactly was richard simmons marrying? a woman? someone from this planet? richard, i’m pretty sure there’s a wedding day rule of not out-pompadour-ing your wedding officiant. it’s probably right after “don’t upstage the bride,” another rule which was probably broken…

awesomeness. i cannot make this stuff up!

Fun Times in Va.

this past weekend, i went up to virginia to visit jen and chris and to see about maybe moving up there. i had an awesome time, ate some awesome food, and got to spend time with the awesome baby grayson. (although, regrettably, we never did get around to carving that pumpkin...) jen's posted some great pics on her site, but i'll leave you with one here: grayson and i reading a story about winnie the pooh...

Welcome to the Heart of Gold

i am in ft. lauderdale visting john for the week. i flew because i found a $23 roundtrip flight on spirit (how do they keep running these specials? i'm sure they should be bankrupt by now...) and that's a lot cheaper than the 100 or so dollars i would spend on gas and tolls to drive here. last night, i got off the plane, made my way downstairs, and out to passenger pick-up. there is a small vestibule area there; you pass though one set of automatic sliding doors, walk through a short hallway, and then through another set of doors that lead outside. i decided to forgo the exit that everyone else was using (and therefore jamming up) and move on to the empty one on the left. as i activated the first set of doors and walked through them, chimes sounded - dum da da dum DUM! - and masculine, computerized voice said, "you are beautiful."

i'm sorry, did i take a wrong turn and end up on a stolen state-of-the-art spaceship? did i just pass through sirius cybernetics' latest product? because it's really the only explaination for complementary sliding doors in an airport. if so, where's marvin to cynically complain about them, and what about ford and arthur? and where's my tea? and if it's not the case, is there someone sitting in some booth saying these things and watching for reactions? because i didn't hear any of other passageways making comments as i passed....