Wow, How Time Flies When You're a Mess...

the last time i posted was on may 18th - nearly 10 months ago. i'm really not sure what happened, besides the fact that life became to much for me to even comment on any more. which i realize is kind of sad and pathetic, but there you have giraffes. to bring you - and me - up to speed, i'll just bullet point the last year...

• got stuck in virginia till the end of the school year. planned to spend a few weeks with my parents and then move back to florida.
• my grandfather died right as i was moving, and i ended up staying in mo-town for a couple months to help out and things.
• moved to florida at the end of august. stayed with rob for a few months while i attempted to save up money to have my own place.
• started teaching ballroom dance at various schools as an after-school program, and working with a dance studio as an assistant.
• only at the studio one day a week now, still teaching ballroom, will be teaching tap, jazz, and ballet as well. hoping this will continue to pay the bills...
• still a big fat emotional mess. can't always be bothered to get up in the morning. working on this.
• a friend of mine is staying with me for now whilst she sorts out some issues in her life. this is awesome because she rocks and it's nice to have the company - and the pressure to actually care about my home environment. however, it's been a while since i had a roommate, so i have to remember how to be a good one. (rob doesn't exactly count because a. we're very similar; 2. it's like living with family; and also i kinda had my own side of the house.)
• discovered that my medical issues and "fibromyalgia" seems to be, in fact, celiac disease. great that i can control it just with my diet; sucks because gluten is EVERYWHERE and it's become very inconvenient and expensive to eat.
  
  i think that about covers it. i'll try to actually post now. i think it's best if i give myself some sort of outlet, and i haven't in quite a while. we'll see how this goes...

Is It Wrong To Hope for Something Bad?

i've been mysteriously ill for a year and a half now. fatigue, pain, blahdi, blahdi, blah, and it's still not fixed.  it's been labeled "fibromyalgia" (and we all know how i feel about that title), but it wasn't ever a clear diagnosis, since i had other issues that didn't fit into that mold. it's not leukemia, it's not my thyroid, and no, it's not lupus. a week or so ago, i had the worst spot (and yes, it was just a spot, on my left shoulder) of sunburn i think i've ever had. so i went to the urgent care place to see if there was anything i could do for the pain.  while taking the routine vitals, the doctor says, "you know you have a heart murmur, right?" clearly assuming i DID know.  which i didn't.  so i found a regular doctor, saw her on friday, and she concurred that there was a murmur.  when you add that to all the other things that are wrong with me, my heart becomes suspect.

today, i went in for an echocardiogram (which is basically an ultrasound of your heart).  i should find out within a week what's what.  and of course i don't want my heart to have a severe problem - it's my heart, and i kinda need it to, you know, survive and stuff.  but a part of me hopes that it is; that there's something there so they can finally say, "there! that's why you're broken!" and then we can take steps to fix me.  it seems morbid to hope for the worst, but really, feeling this way is getting really old...

WTF - A List

look, i'm a pretty go-with-it kind of a chick.  i understand that life requires highs and lows, flows and ebbs, and i do my best to enjoy or survive these things.  but seriously?  this is getting RIDICULOUS.  rather than ranting, i'm simply going to list the plethora of stupidity that has happened in the past year and a half or so.  i'm not sure what i did to piss off the universe - because really, i thought the 'verse and i were pretty buddy-buddy, but apparently i was wrong - but i wish i could fix it. so... a list:

1. start of mysterious illness (9/07)

2. mysterious illness worsens to the point that i'm unable to work and teach the way i want to, and the way my kids deserve

3. doctor after doctor after doctor until i'm a pincushion and still no diagnosis

4. i'm so ill that i fall behind on my teacher licensing, which needed to be done by the end of the school year

5. licensing got delayed, and i got caught in budget cuts

6. tried my best working part time, but couldn't make ends meet

7. no insurance now, and worsening symptoms

8. offered a job out of state, went in debt to move

9. get cut from that job, and i have a $1250 a month to pay in rent - oh, and still in debt

10. get scorched and end up with a festering cesspool of blisters for a shoulder.

11. and.... wait for it... while at the doctor's for the blistering shoulder, he discovers that i have a heart murmur.

yep, because being jobless in a town where i hang out with exactly one person (well, one and a half, i guess), have exorbitant rent and a few thousand dollars in debt, and a medical condition with no know cause or cure just isn't enough.  let's add a heart murmur to the mix. and because my mother occasionally reads this blog, i can't swear as much as i would really, really, really like to, so i'll just leave it at what the hell?!? aaaaarrrgh!!!

What Exactly Goes Into Making Snot?

where is all this snot coming from? seriously, if we go by sheer volume from the last, say, five hours, i should have dropped at least 7-10 pounds. and it can only come from my head right? there's a finite amount of space in there - certainly not enough room to house the gallons of ickiness pouring out through my nose and watering from my eyes. i don't understand. and why can't the rest of my body work this efficiently? because it's clearly doing an excellent job of cranking out buckets of grossness around the clock. ick. just... ick.

i'm not even going to get started on the particular shade of magenta my nose is at the moment...

Or Was It the Red Pill? Wait - I Don't Have Red Ones...

i seem to have done it again. once again, my memory - which was getting a bit run down on its own, thank you very much - is failing me. my mind used to be a steel trap; i had a photographic memory until i was about 18, at which point it apparently decided it had been working too hard and downgraded itself to a raccoon cage of the aluminum variety. (i have been assured this is perfectly "normal" - people with photographic memories often lose them at some point in their lives. whatever.) somewhere along the way it became more like mosquito netting: it kept most things safe, but every once in a while, something small enough would pass through. now, due i guess to the fibro or whatever the hell's wrong with me, that netting could pass for swiss cheese... the holes are large enough for a hippo to fall through, never mind my day-to-day or hour-to-hour activities. what did i forget this time? my meds. or rather, i forgot what i did with my meds.

this, unfortunately, is not new. i had to go home one day last year because i took the night-time meds in the morning and was literally falling asleep in my first period class. i sometimes forget to take the zoloft in the morning (when i'm always the fuzziest) and if i miss it two days in a row, i get physically ill, which then alerts me to the fact that i haven't taken it. i have one of those colossal pill-counter-container thingies (which john makes fun of me for) but i had been doing so well the last month or two that i haven't been using it. and because of it, i did what i did today... which was forgetting that i took my zoloft this morning, and taking another this afternoon. which is why i'm as wired as a hyena on 5 tripple-shot espressos. my body is beyond exhausted, but my mind - oh it's FAR too excited to be concious. it's 1:23 in the morning, and i'm jumping out of my skin - and trust me, these days i don't EVER bounce, let alone jump, out of anything. i also think i may have a percoset instead of the 800 mg ibuprofin. (hey, the pills look the same. why the percoset bottle was on the counter instead of the ibuprofin bottle is way beyond me. it's hard to tell really. i mean, i found a fork in the freezer yesterday, and a mango in with my tupperware. seriously, i'm ridiculous.) anyway, please excuse the random blathering, because i'm really a big fat mess right now. a big fat AWAKE mess... arrgh.

Someone Page Dr. House, Please!

seriously, would it kill a member of my family to have a nice, normal medical problem? the flu, say, or chicken pox, or any one of a thousand other maladies that are easily diagnosed and fixed... is that too much to ask for? we know about all my bizarro issues, from the fibro complications down to the random floating piece of bone in my right elbow that occasionally pinches a nerve. and my parents are no different. i blame all my medical issues on them, because they also cannot seem to have average every-day illnesses. my mother was admitted to the hospital today due to an infection in the cartilage of her ear. she's had pain since friday, it got consistently worse over the weekend, and didn't respond to any of the copious amounts of antibiotics they prescribed her. they admitted her so that they could pump even more ridiculously large amounts of drugs into her - because if they don't get the infection soon enough, it could disintegrate the cartilage of her ear. seriously? what the hell? can you think of a more random, potentially harmful thing? you may watch house on t.v. and think, "well, that's pretty far-fetched - who would that happen to?" the answer is us, my friend; my family - we're the freaks that these things happen to. oi. and keep mom in your thoughts, would ya? thanks.

At Least the Micro-Bathroom Was Good For Something

bloody hell. for the past 24-hour-or-so period, i have been embroiled in a nasty battle with some type of equally nasty infection. even since the fibro onset, i don't really get colds and flus and things anymore. my body is so busy fighting off EVERYTHING (including things that it shouldn't), that those things don't get past my hyper-active immune system. so when i started being violently ill tuesday morning, it actually only took about 5 hours before i gave in and went to the lorton office. if you know me, you know that i abhor going to the doctor's for what i consider minor stuff - and normally throwing up would fit into that category. but i was so ill, so violently, for so long a continuous period - plus i was in some nasty pain, too - that i shlepped myself in. part of the reason was because my gall bladder was acting up last week, so i wanted to make sure that wasn't the problem. but i haven't been that sick since i had the norwalk virus over four years ago.

if you've never had norwalk - and let's hope you haven't, and never will have it - it is amazingly horrific. it's not something i would wish on my worse enemy. well, not that i really have enemies, but you know what i mean. in fact, now that i think about it, it should really be instituted as a form of justice. seriously. infect an inmate with norwalk, give him just enough fluids to not be at a critical state, and let him suffer for a week. i swear to you, it would be more effective than locking someone up in a climate-controlled jail with cable tv, libraries, and gym equipment. when you have norwalk (and this is going to get a little gross, so just skip to the next paragraph if you're squeamish), everything in your body is going to be purged any way it possibly can. whenever it can. all at the same time. you have chills and sweats, and usually can't walk more than 20 feet without passing out. any form of liquid you may try to put in you, will simply flow right back out without passing go and collecting $200. if you've never been in a crew cabin on a cruise ship, you have no idea how tiny those rooms can be. even on the sovereign, where the cabins could be considered downright luxurious, the bathrooms are ridiculous. to give you an idea: imagine stepping inside and shutting the door behind you. there is no actual space to move in, so you turn in place and sit on the toilet. the sink is directly to your left - and i mean directly. no matter how skinny you may be, when sitting on the toilet, your left arm is going to be up against the sink. the basin of the sink starts almost immediately; not a lot of counter space here. which mean you can sit on the toilet, lift your left arm up and rest in on the sink, and then lean over and yak into the sink without having to move at all. which is how i spent the better part of two days. thank goodness my roommate was generally down in her boyfriend's cabin. i just sat there purging in between moments of passing out on the sink. fun times.

they ran a quick panel on my blood to see if i had an infection, and it seems i do. antibiotics were prescribed along with anti-nausea pills so i could keep the antibiotics down. it's been a slow-progressing battle, but i think i'm starting to feel a little better... at least i managed to get in about 6 hours of sleep, so hopefully that'll help. i had been planning to head to my parents' house today, so we'll see how that goes... wish me luck. bleagh.

Stupid Fibro Fog

thanks to the zoloft, i don't have to deal with "fibro fog" as often anymore. (and yes, it's a real problem - inconvenient and sometimes scary... look here or here for more info.) anyway, it decided to rear its ugly head this morning. besides waking up late and not being able to find my socks, i also walked out of my house without my glasses. by the time i realized this conciously, it was too late to go back and get them. fantastic. it's also (just to add insult to injury) gross and rainy out, and most of my drive home is in the dark; my night vision is crap as it is, without adding lack of depth perception and rain fuzziness to the mix. i guess it's a good thing i do a lot of under-30-mph driving while on route 1 on the way home... wish me luck...

stupid fibro.

No, Seriously... I Mean It

i realize that this caption won't make sense to anyone who doesn't know me and my current health issues, and that no one over on that accursed, addictive website will understand it - but i had to create it anyway...

Look At My Face... My Face! (Or, The Cleavage Conundrum)

clearly, my body is not perfect and there are things about it that i would change if that were an option; it's not (or at least not without surgeries or extensive visits to the gym, neither of which i'm a fan of) so i deal with what i've got. if 4 1/2 years in a theatre costume shop have taught me anything, it's how to accentuate what's awesome, and hide what's not. (well, that and "never distract a freshman boy when he's attempting to use the sewing machine for the first time"... yikes) anyway, what i'm saying here is this: like anyone who's not obnoxiously narcissistic, there are things about my body that i don't particularly like. my breasts, however, never made it to this category.

why are we talking about my breasts, you ask? here's the thing: they've always been quite nice, and not really something i've ever had a problem with. they're large enough to balance out my hips and make me look proportionate, but not large enough to spill out of things or have a mind of their own.

until now.

because a side effect of 2 of the 3 meds i am currently taking is weight gain, i have indeed gained weight. not a ridiculous amount, mind you, but just enough to be thoroughly annoying and cause me to have to buy new pants. however, instead of just padding my hips and my rear like usual, the girls got some padding, too - and it's become a bit awkward. i work with kids, specifically middle and high schoolers. it's just not appropriate to be teaching and tutoring with major cleavage showing. however, i currently find myself trying on shirts that were perfectly professional and acceptable four or five months ago, and discovering that i very clearly need something over or under the garment to make it appropriate. because boys aged 12-16? they may honestly be listening to you and carrying on a conversation, but their eyes will stray if so tempted (and let's be honest, it doesn't take much - and they never really grow out of it, come to think of it, but i'm digressing). it's suddenly much more labor-intensive to dress for work. there is not only the stand-in-front-of-the-mirror check; there's also the sit-in-front-of-the-mirror check and the lean-over-in-case-this-creates-more-cleavage check and the lean-down-like-you're-grading-a-paper check. it's just ridiculous.

what a bizarre "complication" of my illness... what do i do with these things? i've already had to buy new pants, i certainly can't afford to buy new tops too...

Expecting Death

i realize this sounds pretty morbid, but bear with me; just some thoughts and feelings i recently discovered and how they've changed my thinking. i have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia - unfortunately, i'm pretty sure fibromyalgia (literally "soft tissue pain") is just a fancy word for "there's something really seriously wrong with you, but since we're not sure what it is, we're going to lump you into this category and just try treating your symptoms." there are several symptoms - a few are recent additions - that don't fit into the fibro category, so once i have insurance again, i'm sure there'll be more testing in my future.

it wasn't until very recently - maybe the last few weeks or so - that i realized something: for a while there, i was completely resigned to having a terminal illness. all those months of pain and fatigue and fuzzy mindedness and sleepless nights and pain... it was clear that there was something very wrong with me. and if you were one of the few people who actually saw me during this time period, you probably agree that i looked seriously ill. and i don't mean "oh you must have a bad flu" kind of ill... i mean "at death's door" kind of bad. i hobbled around like an 87 year old woman (and that's not even an exaggeration. both my grandmothers, one of whom is in her 90's, move around better than i do at times), i often had crippling pain in my hands and fingers, and i went through some scary lack of mental abilities (for example, i wouldn't be able to recall my own address, which i've had for over 2 years). even now, though i am somewhat better, i have to apply makeup in the full-kabuki fashion in order to look normal - otherwise i make people uncomfortable. (true story: rob and i went to chili's a month or so ago, and since i hadn't planned on going out in public - i had only intended to hang out at his house - i had no makeup on and my hair was pulled back. our waiter, after one initial glance, would not meet my eyes the entire meal. he would ask if i needed anything and bring me water when i needed it, but his eyes would sort of glance off to the side instead of staying on me. he talked to rob normally, but not to me. and that's hardly an isolated incident; in my natural, non-cosmetic state, i apparently now strike a "there's something really wrong, like cancer wrong, with her" chord in people which, understandably, makes them uneasy.)

it went beyond what i looked and felt like, though... the worst part was the medical staff. all the doctors and specialists i saw all greeted me normally - and then they looked at my vital signs, my blood test, whatever it was in that chart in their hand. they would examine me, look back through the chart, and then a sort of change happened. it was something in their face, a slight gathering of tension, and their voice would become a little kinder. their eyes would take on a wary cast and they would have to take a deep breath before giving me the verdict. and the verdict was always the same: more tests to be run, more blood to be taken so that we would "know for sure." i'd ask what the next batch of tests was for and was given the same answer pretty much every time. they'd list all the extreme probabilities - lupus, cancer, brain or nervous system tumors, etc. - and tell me if that came out negative, we would do some more testing for more benign things. "it's just to rule them out," they'd invariably say, "just so you won't have to worry." but i could see it in their eyes (and, well, i am an empath... it was just there). they wanted to test for the worst case scenario because that's what they expected it to be. and they didn't want to waste time looking for the minor things when we could use that time to treat the illness, whatever it was.

slowly these reactions - without me ever consciously thinking about it - settled into my head and took root. it was a slow process... i couldn't even tell you when that idea became part of my everyday life. but it changed, just as slowly and unobtrusively, my outlook on a lot of things - and life in general. i can't be bothered about little stupid things anymore. pride rarely gets in the way of anything anymore. i know my body's limitations, and however much i may hate it, i have to be realistic. i have to ask for help. i have to back out of things i really want to do. i can't deal with other people's stress that has nothing to do with me. i have to be honest about it. i can no longer hold onto grudges or misunderstandings. i can't expect people to speak up first. i can't hold back or sugar-coat my thoughts and needs because i think someone might need that. i'm not even stressing overmuch about my current (precarious) job-and-rent situation. life is just too short not to enjoy it - and apparently i needed to assume i was dying to remember that.

When Did the Sloths Become Trained Ninjas?

if you have no idea what i mean by that, and if you don't know about the elephants currently standing on my left shoulder, let me explain...

several months ago i got fed up of talking about how miserable i felt all the time, and i can only guess people got tired of hearing it. friends and family, genuinely concerned with how i was doing, would ask how i felt, and "okay" or "meh" were not generally accepted as responses. however, logging everything that was wrong with me on a given day (because it could be many things at once, and those things could change day to day) became very tiresome and - let's face it - pretty depressing. so i developed a "shorthand": since my two biggest problems were pain and fatigue, i decide to break them down into expressions that were easy to share. and, because it's me, and i was over talking about "pain" and "fatigue", it needed to be something with a little humor.

hence the elephants and sloths.

elephants register the amount of pain i'm in, from 1-50; 10 elephants is low, everyday kind of pain (i feel like only 10 elephants have run over me), while something like 35-40 elephants means i'm in pretty severe pain. and those elephants are clever - apparently they've been taking lessons from circus trainers. some days (like today, for example) my body pain's only around 5 elephants, but there are at least 25 balancing precariously on my left shoulder. and at least one of those pachyderms needs to work on its balance, because it seems to be leaning on my neck for support.

sloths tally the amount of fatigue i'm feeling, and they run from 1 to 10. don't let that low number fool you, though: these sloths are serious about their, well, slothiness. and several of them clearly need to go on jenny craig, because when they decide to take a nap on me, i can barely move myself, even if i need to. they seem like such gentle creatures, but looks can be deceiving... i met one at the give kids village a couple of weeks ago while i was taking pictures; the people from discovery cove bring over various animals once a week for the kids to see and interact with. lucky the two-toed sloth was very sweet and docile. but when i asked politely that he tell his relatives to please lay off the junk food, he just blinked sleepily at me and pretended not to know what i was talking about. you'd think, because they generally move so slowly, that i'd have ample warning before they attack, but oh, no... apparently the sloths are also adeptly trained ninjas, masters of the sneak attack. i meant to be over at rob's nearly three hours ago, but they ambushed me and rendered me unconscious for two hours. they may seem sweet, but they fight dirty...

so should you ever hear me talking about my elephants or those damned sloths, now you understand... and be careful, they've been known to try to follow others home. we must all be very vigilant...

The Year That Disappeared

i swear last week it was september, and somehow suddenly it's the middle of july. i know i've had a crazy last 10 months or so, and was kind of out of it a lot, but seriously - where did the year go? i find myself randomly thinking of something, and say to myself, "oh, that was in february. no, wait, that was LAST february!" it's a very odd sensation - like the last 10 months didn't really happen. and while i admit there are some gaps (thank you so much, fibro fog), i do remember stuff that happened this past year. but it's just one big blur for the most part. just... wierd. what an odd feeling.

Of Course I Have a Condition Without Known Causes or Cures...

i have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. basically, it means i have a condition causing pain, fatigue, and general ickiness. they don't know how it comes about, and therefore they also don't know how to cure it. clearly. i've been taking flexeril at night to help me sleep the night through, and it's amazing what a decent night of rest can do for my body. pain decreases, and sometimes even the fatigue. before i was sleeping for huge amounts of the day and night, but i was waking up every 15-30 minutes to shift or move or thrash about to get in a comfortable, pain-free spot.

the pain and other symptoms will never fully go away - they can (and do) fluctuate back and forth. i might be feeling fairly normal for a few days, then have a day where i can't even get out of bed. the next day i may have back pain - the day after that, it might go away and i'll have pain and stiffness in my hands and feet. it's a varitable smorgasboard of randomness. it's like every morning, just before i become conscious, my body spins a great big wheel of fortune to see what the day will be like. it would be more entertaining if the options included things like "good hair day," "flawless complection," or "happy happy joy joy"...

anyway, that's the medical update. according to the infectious disease guy, all those tests came back negative. so we're going with fibromyalgia and i'm currently monitoring what's trying to become bronchitis. i mean, i know it's generally an annual event for me, but really? can i have another year off? i don't think i have enough sick days...

Now I Know How a Vampire's Victim Must Feel...

i saw two specialists this week: a doctor of infectious disease (and doesn't that just sound like a fun thing to devote your life to?) on tuesday, and a rheumatologist on thursday. after my appointment on thursday, i stopped by a quest diagnostic to have my labs taken care of. eight vials of blood later - yes, i said eight - i headed home to get ready for the ptsa's christmas party. needless to say, there wasn't a whole lot of "getting ready" to be had. i sat on the couch for 45 minutes trying not to fall asleep and then dragged my carcass to the tavern. (free food is a great incentive...)

the point of the labs is to rule out any other serious conditions. the infectious disease guy said that it's definitely an auto-immune problem and was glad i was seeing the rheumatologist. the rheumatologist (who i really like and instinctively trust - a key thing for me) said that he doesn't think it's lupus, and that if the other labs come back negative then it's probably fibromyalgia and we'll treat accordingly. of course i would have the disease that has unknown origins and is incurable because of that whole we-don't-know-what-causes-it thing. luckily, the symptoms are treatable, and hopefully the pain and fatigue will soon be down to a manageable level.

by the way... thanks for the concern and well-wishes. i really appreciate it. and i really am sorry for sometimes not getting back to you right away. it sucks not having the energy to go out with friends or leave the house or grade papers (well, i never seem to have energy for that...). i was supposed to go to a christmas dinner tonight and slept right through it. i didn't even hear my alarm go off. so irritating. but i'm not going to complain. i'm thanking.

and if i don't get back on here before christmas, have a happy and safe holiday! :o)

I Am SO Over This...

so i've been sick for almost two months now. we know i have remnants of an EBV virus that's making me feel not so pleasant, but that doesn't explain all my symptoms. the lab finally sent my doctor the rest of my results last week. apparently things were elevated that shouldn't be elevated. (i'd tell you what they are, because joanna told me the technical names, but i had no idea what she was talking about. i look intelligent, so people tend to explain things as if i was on their level. i have a degree in theatre, people, not medicine, and i teach english. oy)

anyway, what it all boils down to is that it's probably an auto-immune problem. this means that for whatever reason, my body is attacking itself instead of the things it should be attacking. i have an appointment with a rheumatologist to diagnose and/or treat me, but the first available appointment isn't until december 20. which means another month of this crap. today, i had to leave school early because i was falling asleep in first period. luckily the kids were taking a state-mandated writing exam, so no one noticed. elaine found people to cover my classes the rest of the day (i LOVE my department) and so i went home. i changed back into my jammies and promptly fell asleep around 10 this morning. i got up at 4. and i slept for nine and a half hours last night. and i'll probably go to bed around 7 or 8 tonight.

this is getting ridiculous

Things I Have Learned This Weekend:

1. in mandarin, the phonetic sound 'ma' means mother. however, if you drag it out an extra sylable and raise the pitch of your voice at the end, it means 'horse'. use and abuse with family members accordingly.

2. teachers take their beer pong seriously. it can become particularly vicious if you pit two super troopers against beth the bounty hunter and the devil. sitting several feet away is advised.

3. this virus is no joke. yesterday i had to carry in four - count 'em, four - bags of groceries, only one of which was even remotely weighty with canned goods. i quite literally had to sit down for almost ten minutes to recover enough to go out and get the 24-pack of water. after which i had to sit down next to the fridge in order to take them out of the plastic and refridgerate them. i didn't even have the energy to stand there and do it. ridiculous.

4. i like port wines. actually, i really really like port wines. particularly tawny ports. specifically aged tawny ports. i'm not a big wine drinker, and i'm really not a fan of red wines, so i wasn't thinking port would be something i'd like, but it turns out that if you throw in some brandy, it makes everything a little better. no, it makes everything a lot better.

5. also, port wines have to come from porto, portugal to officially be port; otherwise it's just a blended wine. just like real champagne has to come from the champagne region of france, or it's just a sparkling wine.

6. besides having no appetite to alert me when i'm hungry, i also seem to currently be without the ability to tell if i'm full. this means that if i sit down to eat, i don't know how much my body needs. i will eat whatever's in front of me until my stomach feels as though it's stretching like a balloon filled with lead. this (by the way) is not a comfortable feeling. i'm going to have to start weighing and measuring my food like a beauty pagent queen from here on out...

it's been a very educational weekend.

After 5 Weeks of Being Sick, I Have One Part of the Answer...

so the third round of blood tests have come back, and it turns out i have an EBV virus - one that is similar to mono. at least i have one answer; it explains all the fatigue and general ickiness. unfortunately, it doesn't explain some of the other symptoms and some of the other lab results, so the search is still on for added explanations. hey, on the bright side, this virus doesn't typically last more than four months... woo-hoo, just two and a half more months of crappiness to go...

on a very helpful note, the lab that my doctor's office sends their blood tests to has been screening all samples for an additional test - i have tested positive for it. problem is, the lab has not explained to the doctors what the test is for, or what that result means. i have been advised not to worry about it... yet. they'll let me know when they learn something...