Social Drawbacks

sometimes i wish i had more friends. let me clarify: this is not some teenage-y, emo, nobody-likes-me rant. i know and am friendly with lots of people, but i’ve never been the sort of person that has lots of close friends, which has always suited me just fine. i'm an introvert and an empath, and am very selective of who gets access to my energy. unfortunately, at this point in my life, most of the people closest to me live very far away. and on nights like these - when i just desperately want to go get a drink and listen to some live music - i really feel their absence. any one of my inner circle would absolutely hear that i need the company and the distraction and would make plans to join me. but they are not here, and i don’t really have anyone else to ask. those near me either can’t because it’s the middle of the week, or aren’t going to put my needs above their own. which is fine and understandable, but not helpful to me at the moment. i know i’m being selfish right now, but i really am so rarely selfish (and i really kind of need to be) that i simply can’t feel that bad about it. which leaves me on my own. and while i have never had a problem with hanging out alone, i’m not really in a place where sitting and drinking by myself seems like a good idea. so that leaves me on my couch without distractions, wishing for once that i had more willing-to-go-out-at-a-moment’s-notice friends.

Why Do I Not Wanna?

what is it that causes me to not want to do things - to make me believe they’re too much effort? i mean, obviously i understand the situational cause, but there’s got to be some sort of scientific explanation, too, right? like my brain isn’t producing enough [insert latin chemical name here] and this is what causes me to be unable to do (what should be) simple things like do the laundry or call the doctor’s office. i need to be enlightened because if there’s something i can do to offset this symptom, i need to be doing it. i don’t do much anyway, what with the being poor and living far from people and not having a lot of going-out-with friends; i need to keep from being completely inert. my life cannot become only work and sitting on my couch browsing the interwebs and crying, because that’s certainly not going to help my mental state. any science-minded people have any answers?

i'm trying to take your advice...

i am. it's not going very well at the moment, i'm afraid. but i'll keep trying...

 

(that was such a fun night, too...)

Just So You Know Where I'm Coming From

anxiety disorder is a fickle (and intensely annoying) thing. unlike a lot of people who suffer from it, I don't have specific triggers. it can be anything or - most often - nothing at all; my body just decides to freak the hell out. I do what I can to prevent these this... I keep caffeine out of my diet (or at least to the bare minimum), I try to avoid getting overly stressed, I keep an emergency prescription of Xanax around just in case, etc. most of the time this is enough. when my anxiety level gets too high or I have an attack, usually chilling out and taking half a pill will bring me back to normal. unfortunately not so much this time. my anxiety had been riding a little high for the last couple weeks, but it was nothing I couldn't deal with. I was out of meds, and waiting for a prescription refill from the doctor. (side note: when a doctor denies a refill - for any reason, even if it's routine - either the pharmacy or the doctor really should inform you of this so you know what's going on. just saying.) wednesday night I went into full blown attack mode. fun. put a call in to my doctor's office and left a message to see if I could get in the next day and tried to calm down. music, lights out, breathing exercises, meditation, stretching - nothing helped. finally I dosed myself with more than the recommended dose of Advil pm and tried to make myself unconscious. morning, which came very early, was no better. I still couldn't get myself under control. and at this point it was starting to annoy me as well as concern me. even my worst attacks don't usually last more than 6 hours. and I was still in full panic mode - breathing shallowly, sharp chest pains, super high blood pressure, shaking, keening, the works. called in to work, because there was simply no way I could do detailed painting work like that. unfortunately, I had my drama kids to teach that afternoon, and it was their last class and performance - I had to go. I did my best to control myself, though I think I came off a little mean while we were rehearsing (it doesn't help that they're super spastic all the time anyway). by the time that was over, I was entering hour 20 of a full blown attack and something had to be done. my doctor's office couldn't work me in, and I learned that centracare cannot write scripts for things like Xanax. so I was forced to go to the ER. which is stupid. it's stupid that I have to spend that kind of money for a panic attack, it's stupid to take a spot in line away from someone who might actually be dying (not just feel like it), and well, you get the idea. but it was bad. and I did try to leave after the triage nurse told me it could take 4 hours to
be seen. 4 hours sitting still? to be seen for just anxiety? in a place with actual sick people? my poor spazzed out mind would have had a hundred things to grab on to and freak out about. however, when I tried to take my name off the list and leave, the guy who just came on duty convinced me to wait a few more minutes while he got me worked into the "fast track" area of the ER. I'm pretty sure the crazy eyes and uncontrollable tears made him want to prevent me from getting in a car and driving. in any case, a doctor saw me reletively quickly, gave me a few pills and sent me on my way. I'm much better, but suffering from what I consider an anxiety hangover. and all
that ^ was background for the next entry, so that when I say random things, you know where I'm coming from... sort of. or at least how I got to this mental point.

The Stupid Thing Is That I'm Surprised Every Time

"well, you know how it feels if you begin hoping for something that you want desperately badly; you almost fight against the hope because it is too good to be true; you've been disappointed so often before. that was how digory felt. but it was no good trying to throttle his hope. it might - really, really, it just might be true. so many odd things had happened already." ~c. s. lewis, the magician's nephew

.

Fatal Flaw

John has yelled at me about this - and reprimanded me again recently for a comment I made - but I really have no other explanation. for all my frivolity and randomness and even my romanticism, I am a very practical person. highly logical, albeit in my own way. and yes, I realize it's impossible to make rigid statements when dealing with people because people are individual and changeable. but when every single guy I've ever had a relationship with reacts the exact same way, then something's gotta be up, right? (or attempted a relationship, because, let's be honest, I do bring a lot of harder-to-deal-with things to the table to begin with.) and these are all very different men and really good people. well, ok, one of them was kind of an asshat about things, but generally, awesome people who, after a certain amount of time with me, all do the exact same thing: walk away from me with no explanation, no reason, no good-bye. no excuses, even. just gone. out of my life completely, just like that. and it's not like these guys even had a history of walking out on people. (well, ok, maybe the same aforementioned asshat had some issues. ok, that one I take responsibility for - I should've known better.) anyway, the point is: if every single person reacts the exact same way, and these people are all different, then obviously the fault must lie in me. the evidence points to the apparent fact that something about me must trigger this response. the frustrating thing is I can't fix it because I don't know what it is. and I can't ask anyone, because they're all gone. (well, all but one, but that's a long complicated mess that is currently simple and surfacey and uncomplicated and I'd like to keep it that way.) and the next logical conclusion is that this will continue to happen any time I might try to be with someone. if someone can claim to love me and want to marry me and make a life with me and STILL walk away from me without a word, then... what's funny is that I never went into any relationship - or potential relationship - expecting them to walk away. which seems silly in retrospect, but I guess it didn't occur to me that the same thing would happen over and over.

which brings up another point, and the one that john yelled at me for: I can't keep doing this. I sure as hell can't survive what I went through after jon again. so how can I trust that the next man WON'T run away? clearly I now have abandonment issues; and I can't even consider being with someone until I can let go of that and not expect it. I fully believe that to be successful in a relationship you need to be able to be completely open and completely over what has happened in the past. I won't go into something if I'll be projecting past problems on the current person. it's totally unfair, and as I've been hurt by this in the past, I refuse to do this to anyone else. but how do i let go of what appears to be fact? an obviously repeting pattern that is out of my control? ugh. I hate being broken...

Oh, You Have Got to be Kidding...

so today was take two on my root canal. the problem is that several other old fillings have been working their way loose and needed to be addressed first. so by the time they've gotten through those, I'm toast. between severe TMJ problems and the stupid anxiety disorder, I can only make it so long. and today the Valium never kicked in. AT ALL. I might as well have had a triple espresso instead of two downers. ridiculous. and, of course, it all adds up to more money I don't have, that I'll have to borrow from my incredibly helpful and understanding parents, which is totally unfair to them. they dont have a spare $4000 to be dropping on my teeth, and besides i still owe them money from the last two failure-ensconced years of my life. ugh. I'm so frustrated. my next appointment isn't until January when I get back from cruising, so hopefully nothing else will fall apart between now and then...

It's just That I Don't Like Pain...

the old metal fillings on my back tooth are breaking down, and the dentist I saw on Saturday decided that the best thing to do is a root canal and put a crown on it. it's not that I'm nervous about the procedure itself - I have 3 fake teeth already - but I'm just dreading the pain that's going to happen in a few hours. so I'm grateful for the Valium he prescribed - I'm gonna need it. never mind the $2000 I have to fork over that I don't have (believe me, that's painful enough), but I have issues: a) I never seem to numb all the way, no matter how much novacaine they shoot into me, so I get to feel my tooth being broken apart. and hear it, which is an added bonus. wonder if they'd let me put my earphones in during the procedure? and then 2) I have tmj issues and my jaw doesn't open very wide on it's own. which means they have to force it open and hold in place with a bite block. that being done for over an hour means severe headaches and migraines for the next week. which all adds up to awesomeness. sigh. good times ahead....

I Wish I Were More Like Avril Lavign. Well, Sort Of...

we'll just start this by saying that if you don't see me, or WANT to see me, as a sexual creature - if you're my mom, or rob, who refuses to believe that neither i nor his sister could ever have sex, even though his sister has three kids... ok, i'm digressing a lot, but you see what i'm saying here. part of my ick right now has to do with the way i think about sex, so if you don't care about these things, please read no further.

i am - as we all know - a mess. which lots of people say and mean in various degrees of truth. the thing is, i'm really broken. and i don't know how - or even if - i can be fixed. i still only want one person, although that's impossible and incredibly pointless and rather stupid. i get all this logically, but it doesn't change anything. i'm also incredibly lonely and in desperate need of some male attention and/or company... buuuuuut i don't want a person in the abstract - you see my problem here? it's all very stupid.

i'm just not the sort of person that can do casual sex or even casual relationships. i'd like to, trust me, but it just doesn't work for me. part of it is the empath component. here's the cycle of stupidity that happens in my head: sex is obviously the closest you can physically be to another person, right? and since i'm someone who can physically feel people's energy from some distance, i obviously need to be comfortable with this person and his energy. and if i'm comfortable with his energy, then chances are that i like and respect him. and if i like and respect him, then it's probably someone i could be in a relationship with. it's a natural progression, and let's be honest: i'm a girl. i'm predisposed to emotional connections. so it's not likely that i will be able to just have a physical relationship without it spilling over into the emotional. and right now, i have absolutely NO ability to even CONSIDER an emotional relationship. i want be all, "all my life i've been good but now i'm thinking what the hell?" ala ms. lavign, but the truth is it doesn't work that way in my world. and also i have so many hang ups about disease and pregnancy that "casual" becomes too much work... and so i sit here. alone and lonely and no way to ease it.

ok, enough whining - i just needed to sort through my emotions and why i feel so craptastic right now. end rant.

A Great Big Ball of Suck

this is what my life appears to be at the moment. b.b. (c's new nickname - i'll explain later) and i were discussing this today. i'm sick of it. i'm tired of hating life and being terminally depressed. it's exhausting, and it certainly can't be any fun for the people who have to be around me. i assumed that with rob visiting me for spring break, i'd be sufficiently excited and distracted, but not so. don't get me wrong - i love rob and i was very very glad to spend time with him. but i still had to literally force myself to do stuff. i still didn't want to do anything but hide in my bed and sleep. i spent much of friday apologizing for sucking at life (it was a particularly bad day for me), and i'm sure rob was tired of my continual sorry's, but i felt guilty. we should have been talking and laughing and being silly the whole time, and i just couldn't find it in me to do that. it's just ridiculous. i just wanted to spend time with one of my best friends and hang out and have fun, but it was torturous forcing myself to do so.

you know, people really shouldn't be able to screw up each other this way. and that goes all around, i guess. if girls in jon's past hadn't screwed with his head, maybe he would have been able to trust me and what we had, thereby avoiding effing me up royally. and, sadly, i'm really starting to believe that this is something that i'll just have to learn to live with. it's not like i'm ever going to be completely over him or anything - as i've said before, it can only be downhill after "love of your life" so what's the point? - so maybe this is a condition, like the fibro or panic disorder, that i'll just have to cope with. the pain may never go away, but hopefully my tolerance will go up - just like it has with my physical pain - and it'll be easier to live with. hopefully. i don't know. i don't know anything anymore. my world has been completely shattered, and i never knew it was possible for a single person to do that to me. bleagh. i'll stop kvetching now, i guess. i'm done, is all. just done.

Better Living Through Chemistry (Whether I Like It Or Not)

i've mentioned before how much i hate being dependent on meds, so i won't go into to that again. apparently the big ball of suck that is my current state of life is taking its toll on my body. i've started having chest pains, trouble breathing, and cluster headaches. i live with panic disorder; it runs in my family. and i understand that these things are textbook symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks, but it's never manifested this way in me before. i was also getting all ragey and angry, and that's not something i've ever done, no matter what level of anxiety or depression i've been at. so i went to the doctor, just to make sure there wasn't anything seriously wrong. after checking me out thoroughly and talking to me, she agreed that it was probably just anxiety in super-strength form. so she prescribed me some xanax to "take off the edge". i used to always have an emergency stash around in case i needed it - i think i went through 30 pills in about a year. because i hate drug reliance, i used it only when i couldn't function. but i've been out of the stash for a long long time (because thankfully i haven't needed to refill). so i had to start taking 2 to 4 half-pills a day just to keep functioning, which is more than i've ever taken before. i only had to take one half-pill yesterday, but then it was a lazy, gorgeous saturday that included a massage and a cupcake, so i expect that rage and pain will return when i have to deal with kids and parents and my assistant. so we'll see. surely the suck has to stop soon, or at least lessen...

Pointless Self-Indulgent Pity

i don't, as a rule, enjoy feeling sorry for myself. most of the time i just put on my big girl panties and deal with life, because really - what else is there to do? but i'm wallowing a little right now, and it's very irritating. so what i'm going to do is this: i'm going to get it all out in one (albeit long) sentence, and then i will go back to trying to pick up the pieces of my life. okay, here we go...

i hate pretty much everything about my life at this moment; i'm alone, snowed in to my apartment, in virginia, my flight was cancelled so i'm missing juliana's wedding (in t-minus 31 minutes), i'm very sick, and my heart is aching for a man who has not spoken to me in over three months and who i quite inexplicably still want to spend my life with. did i mention my head is exploding?

okay, stupid self-involved moment over. i hope. (and yes, technically that was two sentences. whatever. my blog, my rules, right?)

**update: add to that the fact the power went out for many hours, making it very cold... oi.

Total Sensory Deprivation and Back-up Drugs

well, not exactly, but still... if you know me, you know i hate (hate, hate, hate, HATE) being chemically dependent. i despise taking any medicine at all, but i acknowledge that sometimes it has to be done in order to re-boot my system, or to kick-start it into healing. the fact that the stupidity being termed by my doctors as "fibromayalgia" makes it impossible to live without some sort of medication is highly irritating. but the truth is i was completely non-functioning at the onset (those of you that had to put up with me/helped me through this time understand how bad it was) and i couldn't do my job or, well, anything, so something had to be done. same with the panic disorder - occasionally that gets out of hand, and i have no choice. eventually i managed to wean myself off everything but the zoloft (doing double duty, since it also helps with the panic disorder) and tylenol pm or benedryl to go to sleep at night. this is not really the best decision due to the crazy stupid amounts of chronic pain, but i deal the best that i can. i know what (most of) my limits are and i try to keep myself working.

but once again i'm a mess, for mostly totally different reasons. it got to the point that i was (am) sleeping 12-14 hours a day - and not because my body's exhausted and shutting down, like with the fibro, but simply because i can't bear to be conscious any more than necessary. it's just so much easier to deal with the world if i'm asleep. yes, i know this is avoidance and ridiculous, but that doesn't change the fact that i got to the lowest point i've ever been. i truly hit my emotional bottom, and again something had to be done. so when i went to the doctor's on friday (p.s. my cholesterol has gone down 20 points, so no meds for that, thank goodness), we discussed. she put me on something for the restless leg syndrome, which has gotten way worse lately (i'm sleeping all the time, but it's not good sleep, so i'm getting more pain when i'm awake), emergency ambien for the bad nights, and she upped my zoloft from 100 mg to 150. i'm having minor side effects, but nothing horrible. i feel a little weird, slight dull headaches, nausea after i take the requip (rls med), but overall, i can deal. my body seems to be adjusting pretty well and fairly quickly. the hardest to deal with is the increased mental alertness - i know that sounds silly, but suddenly i need to be doing a lot of things, only i really don't have anything to do. i'm up, i'm alert, i'm awake, but i don't really want to be. it's going to take some adjustment to get my "what i feel like doing" to line up with "what my body's ready for." because my body's ready to go, but i really just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. only i can't, because i've got too much energy. ah, well. some day i'll be able to pull my emotional state up. hopefully being "up" physically will eventually force my spirits there as well. we'll see. but that's the update for now....

Refocusing

this year has been one of extreme highs and equally extreme lows, amid general suckiness. the high points being finally (after almost 6 years of bad timing and false starts) getting to start a romance with the love of my life, becoming engaged, and starting to plan a life together. the low bits being pretty much every moment after he began to suddenly freak out about the whole thing and then stopped talking to me altogether. i won't go into it (you can go and read past blog entries if you really want to hear about the soul-crushing heartache) but suffice it to say that this has pretty much destroyed me. since the pain is not magically going to go away (and probably not ever - i mean it's gotta be all downhill after "love of your life," right?) i've decided not to even try. instead, i'm refocusing - shifting to outside of me. i'm stuck inside my head - and trust me, it sucks in here right now - and i need out. so i'm going to focus on my passions (theatre, teaching, and travel) and helping others.

clearly i need out of here, so the first step is moving. i figure i'll probably end up in central florida since i have some seriously awesome friends there, and i know the area. plus, that puts me in a position to help mikki with CN4C and lets me volunteer at the give kids the world village. i really wish there was some way i could convince the powers-that-be at GKTW to create a full-time photography position (with benefits, preferably) for me. however, since that's probably not going to happen, the first order of business is finding a job. that's where you come in. anybody have any leads on a job, at least temporarily? because of the fibro, i can't stand for long periods of time or lift, well, anything really, so keep that in mind. i'm working on getting my certification back so that i can at least sub while looking for other teaching jobs. so... help? any suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated. i need out of here, and as soon as possible, so that i can start focusing on yakking up sunshine and rainbows and making the world a better place and crap, and stop focusing on my own pain. thanks!

Worst. Attack. Ever.

on monday, the day i before i left the relative comfort of south florida to return to the frozen tundra of the north, i went to work with john. it's more entertaining than sitting by myself in his apartment all day, and i can think of worse things to do than be surrounded by books all day. there were errands to be run first, one of which was stopping at starbucks. this was the 28th - voodoo day - so we had to do something indulgent like getting obscenely over-priced (and in this case slightly burnt) coffee. i ordered a venti iced soy decaf caramel macchiato (man that sounds pretentious) and was enjoying it till about 4 hours later, when it suddenly became clear that though i ordered decaf, and i heard the cashier tell the guy making my drink that it was decaf, it was most decidedly NOT decaf.

i cannot have caffeine. this is not me being picky, or wanting to go to bed early; i really can't have much caffeine at all. when i have a really bad headache and need a little caffeine to help kick it, i can't have more than one-third of a 16 oz. can of coke. even that will make it hard to sleep that night, but more than that will trigger my anxiety. and when you live with panic disorder (thanks, mom's side of the family, for that) you do whatever you can to avoid that. if you've never had a panic attack - and thank the stars if you haven't - then it's almost impossible to describe what one's like. you really have no control over it - your body is betraying you, and nothing you try (like slow, deep breaths, or "keeping calm," or anything else) will help. suffice it to say that when you've been relatively caffeine-free for about 10 years, three double shots of espresso is NOT a good thing.

i started feeling anxious and jittery. i drank copious amounts of water. i walked down to the end of the plaza and got a smoothie, because water and fruit both help to cleanse the system, and the caffeine needed to get out. this did not help. i gathered up my stuff and went outside to start walking. i got about half-way around the complex before i started crying. lovely. if you've never cried for no reason before, i don't recommend it. just like the hyperventilating and the racing heart beat, it's something you can't control. i start walking around the back of the building and the uncontrollable sobbing starts. awesome. the thing about anxiety attacks is that they trigger emotional responses. since pretty much all of my emotions in the last couple of months have been negative (hurt, loss, heart-break, etc.), i spent 2 hours sitting in the same spot, half-way up the stairs at the back of the movie theatre sobbing and rocking like a crazy homeless person. just how i wanted to spend the evening. eventually john closed the store and came around to collect me so we could head home. all told, the attack was almost 5 hours long, which is just insane. i've never had one that bad before, ever; not even during my onset. just ridiculous. so thank you, stupid starbucks barista, for not paying attention and thoroughly ruining my day. (and the next two, because it takes a while for the "anxiety hangover" to wear off...)

At Least It's Only Once a Year...

christmas sucks for me. always has, and i don't totally understand it. it always makes me sad and depressed. i figured that this year would be different since i would be with the man i planned on spending my life with. yeah, well... since that's not happening, it's turning into the worst holiday season ever. i'm ridiculously depressed, obviously, and there's just no getting out of it. and as much as i love my family - and i really do - there's just no way i'm going to be able to function around all the holiday crap and family stuff. i had a minor breakdown on thanksgiving, and that family didn't even belong to me. (sorry about that, c... but thanks for dealing with me!) so, i will be spending christmas with the bff. i'm flying down to ft. lauderdale on christmas eve (i know, i know, but it was $50-100 cheaper than any other day) and we will be enjoying christmas on miami beach. christmas dinner will be at benihana's. it will be our very non-christmas-y christmas. he can't be with his family as he has to work the day before and after, and christmas really isn't his thing either... plus, we've both had a seriously crappy year, so hopefully this will be good for both of us. we'll see. i totally expect to become a big blubbery mess at some point, but hopefully i'll manage to wait till i'm not in public. we'll see. all i know is that he's my bff for a reason, so hopefully we'll make each other feel better...

Ok, I Lied; I CAN Think of an Analogy...

(it seems i can always come up with a good metaphor...)

i didn't understand it was possible to hurt this badly; to feel this sort of soul-crushing pain. i mean, i suppose i sort of acknowledged the idea of it, just as you - having never broken a bone - can acknowledge that breaking one is going to hurt. i've broken bones before, literally and figuratively, and so i thought i knew what to expect. but i forgot that there's an intense difference between, say, fracturing your wrist and breaking a couple of ribs. (both of which i've had the displeasure of experiencing, thankyouverymuch.) the wrist hurts, it lays you up for a while, it's difficult to do a lot of the things you're used to doing.... but after a short while the pain is more annoying than anything, and you quickly learn to compensate with the other hand until the pain has faded completely. breaking ribs, on the other hand, is a totally different story. the pain is intense, crippling. it's hard to breathe, it's stabbingly painful to even try, and the slightest movement in any part of your body will set off explosions of white-hot searing pain. and that shit doesn't heal quickly, either. with a wrist, you can put on a cast or a splint, give it a month or two, and you're as good as new. ribs? yeah, not so much. there's nothing you can do short of immobilizing your entire body, and the stabbing pain can take between 6 months and a year to go away. and even after it's supposedly healed, it can still give you twinges, years later. so i thought i'd known emotional pain and heartache, but it turns out it was just a fractured wrist. now i've got several crushed and broken ribs and i'm struggling for my very breath. not a pretty picture, granted, but at least it's accurate, and may help explain how i'm feeling...

A Visual Aid for the Current State of My Soul

i would be the blue one on the left...

(the extreme irony, of course, being that the artist is the one who rendered me so...)

From Such Great Heights

just as you had to bear with me when i was at an extremely high point in my emotional well-being, you will now have to deal with the extreme low. i apologize for this, but well, this blog is a catch-all for my thoughts and feelings, and nothing in either of those categories is very optimistic at the moment. i don't have an analogy or metaphor strong enough to express how shattered i am inside and how hard it is to even breathe right now. part of the problem, i think, is that i fell from such a height - it's one thing to be happy, but i was happy to the exclusion of all other things. other issues, money problems, stress... none of that mattered in the least, because i was so over the moon. i've never had that kind of happy before, ever. it was the best i've ever felt, ever. not to say i've NEVER been happy, because clearly i have, but not like this. not like nothing could touch me and everything was possible. not even when i was seven, and the world was still full of magic. so to have it taken away, so suddenly and so completely, was beyond devastating. it's like my world imploded, and i was trapped in the center, helpless to stop it. the pain is overwhelming, and really, that concerns me a little - i was thinking about this this morning... i am currently on 100 mg of zoloft a day; can you imagine if i were not? if i can be this depressed WHILE on anti-depressants, i shudder to think of the mess i could be without chemical help. my philosophy does not allow for suicide, but i think i would be close to those depths, if (again) i allowed for such thinking. it's all icky, i am icky, and i'm sorry - i try not to break down in public or in front of anyone if i can help it, but i can't promise that i won't have a moment here and there. i'm SO very tired of the crying, of the miserableness, of everything, but i just can't get out of it yet...

Stealing Stuff from Sami

(man, i love a good alliteration...)

my friend sami had this posted as her status: [sami] is damaged and thus will hurt you if you get too close. Therefore, I accept my sentence of experiencing this life by myself...

i feel like these words sum up my emotional state right now, and so i am stealing them.