All of the Things, All of the Love

*warning: the following contains lots of feelings (mostly of the sad variety), grief, personal information, and possibly some self indulgence. proceed at your own discretion.*

I can't believe it's been a year. I can't believe I've survived an entire year without you in my life. and I'm very aware how selfish that sounds, but it's the truth. you're one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I was always aware of how lucky I was to have you around. I know you let me in much further than you meant to, but the fact that you didn't push me back out meant everything to me. you almost did, once, and I am forever grateful that you chose not to. I wouldn't have blamed you if you had - after all, it would've been the same struggle i'd have had if it were me. similar creatures, always. I'd never experienced that before; my brain and my soul always seemed to work so differently from everyone else's. I'm not very good with people past the superficial because I don't understand them. and conversely, they don't understand me. I just seem to be wired differently. but then there was you, who not only understood my ramblings but expounded upon them, creating fantastic, intelligent, thought-provoking conversations that helped me make sense of life and the events around me. but just as important was the silliness - the bad jokes, horrible puns, and funny pictures that we constantly sent back and forth. to have someone in my life who operated on the same basic system as me - not identical, of course; we didn't agree on everything, and it'd have been boring if we had - was a first. I'd always been the odd one out, the one who thought completely differently. I'm very lucky I'm both clever and an empath; without both those traits, I'm sure I would have been labeled a sociopath and more or less ostracized in social situations. even with those things, I'm still awkward and odd and uncomfortable. and somehow you never saw that. and I never struggled around you. it seemed that we just had the same oddities, so we made sense to each other. oh, I was still awkward sometimes, but for a totally different reason. I loved that about us together, by the way: it was just the right amount of awkward. too much awkwardness is uncomfortable, and none at all means it doesn't matter. but we were just slightly awkward with each other, just some of the time, and there was such a beauty in it. and in the fact that neither of us backed away from it. we just hung out on the ledge together and bumbled through with perplexed but genuine smiles, until the world smoothed out again and we went back to talking or being silly or whatever we were doing.

it still hurts every single day, and I'm not sure it will ever stop doing that. before you I was alone and apart but I assumed that's just the way it was. I was not made like everyone else, so that feeling of "once-removed" was just something I had to live with. I got used to it. it didn't even bother me any more; it was just a fact of life. but then it seemed I wasn't alone anymore because you were somehow like me. and it's weird and strange to suddenly have to change your world view, to have to stretch it to include someone else when the universe had always seemed to tell you that you were it - that your bubble didn't actually connect to the rest of world's Venn diagram. but we overlapped somehow, and it was amazing to discover. it's not to say I don't have friends or family that love me, because I do, and I love them right back. my parents are amazing, and I have john and jen, my inner circle, who love me no matter how weird I am. but for a brief (way too brief) time, there was someone that loved me for my weirdness and idiosyncrasies, not in spite of them. and furthermore, someone who understood them, as I understood yours. it was a magical thing. and now that you're gone, the aloneness I'd gotten used to and had come to rely on is suddenly extremely painful. because before I only knew the separation. now I know how lovely it is not to be separated - with no way to get that back. and that really really sucks.

you were brilliant and funny and sweet and kind and insanely talented. and didn't seem to really understand how rare and beautiful you were. we knew each other for several years before we became close - you always had protective walls up and I always respected that, though now I suppose I wish I'd been less respectful - but you were always on my radar, long before I even realized it. the word I always used in my head (from the beginning) to describe you was "adorable," which I meant the most literal sense possible. you were adorable in the modern sense as well, of course (and I miss seeing your face and your smile more than I could ever find words for), but I always saw you as someone worthy of being adored. no one deserved it more than you. you held a mirror up to me when I was at my lowest and helped rediscover the parts of me I'd lost or forgotten about. I just seemed to be unable to be stuck in the past when I was with you. I've always sucked at "living in the moment"; I'm always overthinking what just happened or thinking ahead to the next thing. but I was always completely in the present with you. because where else would I possibly ever want to be? you made everyone around you want to be better, to do their best, to up their game. it was something in your presence that just made us want to be the best versions of ourselves for you. it was nothing you ever consciously said or did, just who you were and how you inspired us to be. when you left, you left a huge hole, not just in my heart and in the hearts of those who loved you, but in the universe as a whole. you were such a positive force, even when you didn't think you were, and a light went out with you. it crushes me to think of the amazing music that will never be written, the thoughtful, beautiful lyrics that will never be sung. the incredible adventures and experiences that you'll never get to have, that you deserved to enjoy.  all the things we'll never get to talk about, all the places we'll never travel to, all the time I'll never get to spend with you. because I'll never stop wishing I had more time with you. I can only hope that I was able to bring into your life a fraction of the joy and beauty you brought into mine.  all of the love, always.

Always Something There to Remind Me

when something is no longer part of your life - when someone dies, yes, but also when a friendship goes sour, you break up with a partner, a pet dies or runs away, you lose a job you liked, or maybe you move away from a city you lived in for years - the memories of it are everywhere.  often they pop up in unexpected places  or catch you when you least expect it.  (like in the song "call me maybe" - why is chirpy bubblegum music making me cry?)  but it happens, and it's normal, and we assume it will happen when we lose something we love. i anticipated this, but i was not even a little prepared for how extensive it was. and still is, six months later.
eric and talked about everything. important stuff, sure; the world and how it works and how we felt about it and all sorts of deep, philosophical thoughts. but also - and more often - lots and lots of mundane and often silly things. music, tv shows, really bad jokes, where we were taking each other to visit when we (someday) had money, horrible puns, the pros/cons of moving to idaho, what animals we identified with, harry potter, doctor who, being geeks in general, emoticons, and whole host of other ridiculous things. i loved all our deep conversations, but i absolutely adored our dorkiness. and because said dorkiness ranged across so many subjects, the reminders are everywhere.
the other problem (maybe problem is not the right word - complication? issue?) is my eidetic memory.  granted, it's much more selective than it was when i was a kid due to the years of undiagnosed celiac and the resulting brain fog, but now that i'm mostly healthy, it has started to return. and moments from the last few years are burned indelibly into my memory circuits.  although, now that i think of it, maybe it's not just that. maybe it was just him. because even before that, before the onset of the worst of my symptoms, before my brain started clearing up and remembering more of what it saw, i seem to have filed away all sorts of little interactions. unimportant things, casual conversations, nothing impressive. and all stuff before we really started spending time together and became close. but he was always on my radar, i guess. and my brain - however many holes and gaps it has when it comes to other subjects - found a way to tuck him inside to keep.
anyway, the point of all that is this: saying that everything reminds me of eric - of some conversation we had or some joke we shared or some time we hung out - is not hyperbole. it is actual fact. and while sometimes i'm too busy or preoccupied to always notice the connection or to let myself dwell on it, it happens. a hundred times a day. and at least a dozen of those random times cause me to, if not out and out cry, at least tear up. and there's nothing i can do about it, because the emotion is just there, and so strong that it just bubbles out before i can stop it. (which is super professional when you're working with a student and something stupid like the word "doctrine" or a reference to a platypus suddenly brings tears to your eyes.) not to mention the countless things that cross my path that make me immediately think, "i need to send this... never mind." i mean, who else is going to appreciate a star trek/beatles crossover meme on all the levels? or fantastically illustrated puns? the conversations that would've followed those shares would've had me laughing all night. and i miss that so desperately. there seem to be a million things i miss, deep, important, life-changing things, and maybe i'll be able to discuss those things eventually. (those roots go deep, though, and - since i spent much of the writing of this blog with tears trickling down my face - i'm not sure i'm ready to sob openly while trying to write that one.) but it's the smallest things that make my heart ache the most. the hello-theres and what're-you-doings and what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-peoples and so-this-just-happeneds. they were the best parts of my days and now they're gone. and nearly everything in the world seems to remind me of that. i hate the reminders because the initial happy thought is invariably followed by a vague but crushing sense of "and i never get to do/see/talk about that with him again." but oddly i love them, too, because they mean those things happened, and i got to be a part of them, and i wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

I Don't Know How To Answer That

"how are you?" seems like a simple enough question. and most of us answer it automatically, just like we ask it. we hear it so often - from our neighbors, co-workers, the cashier at the market - and most of the time it's only asked out of politeness; the person asking really doesn't care, or at least doesn't really want an answer other than "fine" or "good." and that's ok, really - it's a social conditioning to ask, to be polite, to show possible interest. sometimes it's asked with real concern, by the people who know and love us, and it seems easier to answer those inquiries honestly. but i seem to be having some real problems responding to the casually-asked version of this question lately.

i'm odd anyway (like that should be a shock to anyone) and one of my weird ocd things is accuracy. in this case, it prevents me from replying "fine" when i'm not. if i say "not so great," then the next question will undoubtedly be some variation of "what's wrong?" i realize that most people don't want a dissertation on why i'm not fine, and in 95% of cases, i don't really want to tell them anyway. inner circle and family aside, people want to be supportive, but aren't really equipped to deal with others' loss. it makes them uncomfortable, and understandably so. no one wants to imagine what that sort of thing feels like, and besides, what do you say? "i'm sorry" seems woefully inadequate and doesn't really do anything. and asking for more details will probably only intensify the sad and possibly bring on tears - even more uncomfortable for the person just trying to be nice. none of this is fun for anyone involved.

the other issue i'm having with this question is that i honestly don't know how to answer it. i'm definitely not fine, but what am i? awful? well, yes, emotionally i suppose i am. i am bereft of my connection with one the most beautiful human beings i have ever known; i have to wake up every day knowing i will never again get a silly text from him, or ruminate with him about life over drinks, or see him onstage doing what he loved, or hear a new piece of his music. and that knowledge sucks harder than i can possibly put into words. but i also know - objectively, mind you, in those brief moments when i can get around the sheer horribleness of the situation - that i'm dealing with this fairly well. (ironically, i can deal because of him, but that's another subject for another blog.) i sit around and cry all the time, i'm frequently overwhelmed by the need to hear from him, or the want to send him a silly picture, or just by the intense feeling of without.  but i get up. i go to work. i occasionally do things with people. i eat (though not terribly well, i admit). and i try my best to go to yoga because it seems to be keeping me sane. sometimes i even enjoy myself for small pockets of time before something random reminds me that everything sucks. but that's the point: not everything sucks, just this one thing. granted, it affects how i deal with and feel about everything else, but i have work, i'm mostly making ends meet for the moment, i have my drama classes to teach, and i'll have dance again soon. most of my life isn't sucky, technically. so how do i feel? i don't know. mind-bogglingly sad. grateful for my jobs. alone. appreciative of the friends and family that love me. kinda angry. mindful of the beauty around me. heart-broken. all of these contradictory things, and usually all at the same time.

so i think i've come to the conclusion that it's just best not to answer in casual conversation. i've had enough theatre training and guest/client/parent contact over the years to enable me to smooth over and redirect the conversation. usually just repeating the question will encourage the person to answer, and few follow-up questions should be enough to put the focus on them. eventually i'll be able to go back to "fine" and "good" but until then, i think i'll just stick with, "how are you?"

i'm trying to take your advice...

i am. it's not going very well at the moment, i'm afraid. but i'll keep trying...

 

(that was such a fun night, too...)

Days Don't Get Much Better

so this friday? pretty much a perfect day.  not even the random fallout of small, bitey crustaceans hitching a ride in my car and ravaging my legs and any other uncovered skin for a few days ruined the awesomeness.

sometimes i have questionable ideas, and i thought (as i drove east-bound at quarter-to-5 in the morning) that getting up WAY before the crack of dawn to drive to the beach for sunrise was one of them.  turns out, it was an excellent idea. this was my view as i arrived:

i went to playalinda beach on the space coast. there was NO ONE. anywhere. at all. sometime around 9 am, i finally had some neighbors, waaaaaaaaaaaaay down the beach. it was blissful. after watching the sunrise and eating a cupcake for breakfast, i read for a little while. 

afterwards, i drove through a wildlife preserve, and admired the local flora and fauna. i actually saw a baby bobcat on the way to the preserve, but wasn't quick enough to catch it with my camera.

then i headed home, but not before discovering an adorable little gluten-free bakery in cocoa.

home, shower, nap. i got up, all refreshed-like, and got ready to go out. agr was playing at the hard rock hotel, out by the pool. so i threw on a sundress, actually did my hair and put on make up, and met up with charissa and ivana. turns out, there was some rum-sponsored party happening out there by the pool, and as such we got two free drinks for the evening, just for showing up. excellent. i got to hang out, listen to some of my favorite musicians, hang out with eric for a bit, and just generally relax and chill. at some point, c decided she wanted to jump in the pool, but she was wearing jeans. we reasoned that if she jumped in with a tank top and underwear, she'd be perfectly acceptable. but she still hemmed and hawed. so i offered to jump in, too. i mean, why not? i had a dress on, so it didn't seem like that big a deal. so we did. because we're ridiculous.

and spent the rest of the time listening to the band whilst in the pool. thoroughly enjoyable day.

Why This Weekend Rocked

it's been a really long time since I've been able to say I had an amazing weekend, start to finish. not that my weekends suck or anything - but I usually work saturday mornings, and don't do much else. there's nothing wrong with that, but for the first time in a really long time i could answer the question "how was your weekend?" with "it was amazing!" (ironically, it was the first time in a really long time that no one actually asked me that question on a monday. go figure.) reasons for extreme fantasticalness are as follows:

• i did not have to work at huntington on saturday morning, which meant no alarm to wake me up. blissful.
• watched some highlander and napped the rest of the day.
• met up with eric at the florida music festival that night. got in for free, too - without any effort on my part. sometimes it pays to be a cute girl.
• ping-ponged the ends of wall street, listened to some good music - and some not-so-good, but such is life - and laughed a lot.
• i was coming off the worst anxiety attack i'd had in years, and wasn't sure how i'd handle the crowd and chaos. turns out that, in general, when eric's around, i'm good. i am so invested in talking and laughing with him in the moment that i don't really notice anything else, so it doesn't bother me. being with him just makes my soul happy.
• sunday i met jen, chris, sandy, and the kidlings for fun at the magic kingdom.
• i love being aunt karen. it is awesome to be loved like that. gray was so excited to see me he bounced up and down and he literally shook with excitement. granted, he also reacts that way to seeing mickey mouse and riding a train, but whatever - i'll take it.
• i miss jen a lot - she really is my "fake sister". luckily her real sister and i get along great too... i have so much fun with both of them.
• chris's cousin and her family joined us half-way through the day - they were excellent people and fun to hang out with.
• left the kingdom around 10, completely exhausted but centered and happy.

I Love My People

paul, a friend from high school, was in town on a job. he and his his co-pilot - for he flies planes for a private company - were looking for something to do. luckily for them it was a Thursday night; we all know I rarely do anything and am something less than a social butterfly. I am completely out of touch with normal going-out-and-partying type things. but thursdays, I can offer open-mic night. so I did. and I asked some other people to come play, and they did, and I believe a good time was had by all. I know a good time was had by me, anyway.

rob: she's a dancer. she has to do everything with a flourish.
me: but not on purpose. I think I'm just extra ridiculous all the time, and flourishes are the result.
rob: yes, that's exactly it, actually.

eric: she likes nsync AND mylie cyrus? where do you find these people?
me: she's a new friend, I take no responsibility. you can blame rob.

me: (to paul) so not much has changed since high school - all my friends are still fun. and completely ridiculous.

pat: in brazil we are rude and push people and we not care about others.
me: that's an eastern european accent you're using.
pat: in brazil we sound like russian. this is what I learn at my job.

erin: (for the 7th time in as many minutes) but see, I'm married -
eric: is she married?
rob: well, she's married....
me: she really wants us to know this.
eric: or she's trying to convince herself...
rob: that's much more likely.
erin: (who has not heard any of this aside) what? I'm married, and....

me: you should go sing something.
paul: um, no.
me: why? you were IN a band once...
paul: yeah, that was a LONG time ago.
me: I'm sure it's like riding a bike...
paul: yeah, no. it's probably more like flying a plane - if you forget something you don't just fall down, someone could die...

This Song Makes Me Feel Better About Life

also, my friends rock. literally.





(go check them out here. and go buy a cd!)

FMF FTW!

the past thursday, friday, and saturday nights found me in downtown orlando bouncing from venue to venue for the florida music festival. great live music, bad band names (arnon armoth, anyone?), good friends, fantastic people-watching opportunities... all in all an amazing 3 days.

we all know i'm a live-music junkie as it is, so what better way to spend some time than watching some old favorites and discovering awesome new (well, new to me) bands?

people who don't suck:

(click on the name, and it will take you to a video...)

minus the bear

easy star all-stars

thomas wynn and the believers

tayler buono (not bad for a 17-year-old...)

the lighter exchange (featuring a friend who is also frontman for agr)

big 10-4

and of course, better than ezra. because you just gotta love kevin and the band. they're big fat dorks who happen to be excellent musicians. and they like getting up on a stage and playing with the audience. for example, as seen below: "if you have any troubles with fast-moving stuff, like flashing lights or strobes, and it makes you dizzy or you fall down... you might want to avert your eyes from my fretboard, because what you're about to see might just blow your mind!" (you may want to turn the sound down a bit - it's not the best quality. but still entertaining to watch...)

I Am A Lousy Groupie

you know i love my music, and especially my live music. i also love my ridiculously talented friends who make music for us and for themselves. i go to shows when I can, dragging others with me, and i’m constantly sharing their music with others who I think might enjoy it. and i suppose i can blame it on being poor, and being a little stressed with the moving stuff, but the truth is I’ve missed the last couple of afterglow and junkie rush shows, as well as those of other assorted local bands. also – and this is the big reason that i’m a sucky groupie – i have yet to buy the new agr cd. after harassing (in good fun, of course) jeremy and eric because the cd was delayed for a few months, i find myself without it even though it’s been out for a while now. i need to get back on the ball. and what with the possible move, i need to get in as much local band time as possible. of course, maybe that just means they need to go on tour to northern Virginia…

Never a Dull Moment

it's summer. i have a LOT of free time on my hands. so it was with this in mind that i decided to go to clearwater on friday, then swing up to new port richie for an afterglow show. of course, my body being tempramental and all, i was not motivated at all to head to clearwater early in the afternoon. i was, however, easily persuaded to go see wall-e, which is a whole 'nuther story involving a cute movie, a broken air conditioner, and a packed house. suffice it to say that i needed to go back to my house and shower before heading out.

at this point, it's 6:00. i call a friend who lives out in that general area who i haven't seen in forever, and procede to talk to him for a half-hour. 6:30. he had to work at 5 the next morning, so no show for him. everyone else was out due to visiting relatives and other plans, and at that moment the sloths decided to attack. (if i haven't explained that yet, i'll do so in another blog.) nearly 7. obviously, i'm not getting to clearwater first. new port richie is about an hour and 45 minutes away from me. i was debating not going at all, but i already bought tickets and - let's be honest here - what else was i going to do, sleep some more? i needed to get out of the house, so i threw on some make-up (full kabuki since i'd be in public) and headed out.

It was an interesting evening to say the least. i'm pretty sure my hair did not meet the height requirement and my jeans weren't tight enough, but they let me in anyway. the space was pretty decent (bourbon street nightclub, if i didn't mention it); two full bar areas, darts, several pool tables, a "cafe" area, plenty of seating, and a decent stage area. and it was chock full of interesting characters.

let me preface this by saying that i having nothing against hanging out on my own. i have no problems going to a movie, out to eat, or to show by myself. i'm an observer - i'm perfectly happy to people watch and file away the senarios playing out around me. i generally tuck myself into a corner or along the bar and hang out. however, on friday night, unbeknownst to me, i apparently had a large neon flashing light above my head that said, "all wierdos come by and talk to me!" i don't know who plugged this sign in for me (or where, thank you eric) but i kinda wish they'd talked to me first. or warned me at least.

first up was the obligatory foreign i'm-here-to-hit-on-any-and-every-woman-here guy. i don't know where these guys come from (this one sounded eastern european) or whether thy're aware that they're a trite cliche, but nothing seems to phase them. after being shot down by me (really? your second question is "you're here with just friends, no husband?" apparently a boyfriend wouldn't have slowed him down...), he moved on to other targets. next up was a guy - harmless, obviously not trying to pick me up, and possibly high - who was talking to me, but didn't really seem to need my input in the conversation. he would bring up things and then answer them, watching me but really just having a conversation with himself. it was... odd.

the most random conversation of the night came after the older guy next to me asked me to watch his (pitcher of) beer while he ran to the bathroom. no problem. i was unaware, however, that watching someone's beer for 2 minutes instantly made you a close personal friend. i learned all sorts of educational things: how much money you can make off of selling scrap copper (a lot, apparently), the mechanics of a drill bit, and that you can pull in $75 an hour doing landscaping - and that's just doing the trees. i waited till he was distracted by ordering another pitcher (because clearly he hadn't had enough) and made my escape to the other bar.

most of the rest of the night passed relatively routinely. the main band - 12 stones - took the stage and i found them to be quite enjoyable. the lead singer made me giggle. alot. i know most of you have not seen cowboy mouth in concert (and really, fix that would you? they're amazing and p.s. they're playing at bb king's at point orlando the 25th. just saying...) but this guy was fred leblanc on crack. fred - lead singer and drummer for cowboy mouth - is probably the most upbeat and positive guy you will ever meet. but don't let that fool you. if you are not having fun, if you are not standing up and clapping and having a good time, he will call your ass out on it, and likely stand over you with a microphone until you do. (please see past blog from january to clarify.) 12 stone's lead singer? a tad crazier and more vocal, if that's possible. my favorite crowd admonition was, "okay, so who out there is at their very first rock show tonight? yeah? one guy? alright, what the HELL is the problem with the rest of you? act like you're at a rock show, would ya?"

best part of the night came when i was heading home. there's a 24-hour drive-through starbucks in new port richie, so i stopped for an iced caramel machiato (soy and decaf) for my ride home. and sidebar, why does new port ritchie have a 24-hour drive-through starbucks when there is no such thing anywhere near me in orlando, one of the largest tourist destinations in the world? anyway, i waited at the pick-up window for a while. when the barrista (is it a barristo if it's a guy?) opened the window to give me my drink, he refused to let me pay for it because apparently he kept messing it up and kept having to start over. really? i wasn't waiting that long, but whatever... yay, free starbucks!

see the shenanigans you miss out on when you don't hang out with me?