Dancing Giraffes

this photo makes me laugh, and it reminds me of my favorite headset conversation at FoLK (festival of the lion king, for non-disney people), which happened during "be prepared" ...

show control: giraffe?

me: yes, cheryl?

sc: whatcha doin?

me: fire wand routine.

sc: i see that. (pause) why?

me: well, we're down a girl. and i know the routine. and vicky [the giraffe puppet] is a good dancer.

sc: yes, we are. and yes, you do. and yes, she is. (long pause) giraffe?

me: yes, cheryl?

sc: how did Vicky get a raffia wand in her mouth?

me: savannah animals are very nice. and helpful.

sc: I see. (pause) giraffe?

me: yes, cheryl?

sc: don't ever do fire wand routine when i'm not the stage manager.

me: ok, cheryl!

Random Morning Musings

• i dislike the "in-between sick" feeling when you're just ill enough to feel like absolute crap, but not bad enough to justify staying in bed and shirking all responsibilities.
• a fine layer of roto resin on your skin works almost as well as latex as old age make-up. the problem being of course that it does NOT want to come off. i look like i have dragon skin on my right arm. so not cute.
• i am strong and adaptable; i can deal with almost anything as long as i know what's going on. i am useless if the situation i am in is nebulous and undefined. my mind just goes around in circles forever unless something definitive stops it. meanwhile, i just drive myself crazy. therefore...
• i strongly believe knowing is better than not knowing. always. or almost always - i'm sure there's an exception to this rule out there somewhere... there usually is. but in general (and specifically with me), even the worst things can be dealt with effectively if only i know what i'm dealing with. also, i need closure so my mind can shut up about things, and closure can't happen if i don't know what's going on.
• there is a very fine line for me between something building up and being completely overwhelming. and if i'm overwhelmed, i just shut down and can't deal with it. and this sounds very deep and emotional, but mostly it just applies to stupid things. like my apartment. it's become a bit of a disaster lately - not dirty, just... stuff everywhere, with things strewn about where i've left them instead of where they should be. it sort of crept up on me, and by the time i realized it was getting out of control, well, it was too late. my brain could no longer figure out where to start and therefore relegated it to the "i'll deal with it later" file. but since "later" has no specific date, it'll never get done. luckily i'll be moving in a few months, so i'll fix it then - and hopefully organize myself successfully enough in the new place (wherever that may be) so that this won't happen as easily.
• which is a theory that might work. i am, after all, in a better head space than i was a year and a half ago when i moved back down here. i'm still having moments - a few too many lately, if you ask me; but what can you do? - but my inability to deal with life is directly linked with how i keep my living space. if i can't deal with life, i can't be bothered with my surroundings. i'm ocd enough that germs and ickiness are not tolerated, but everything else? whatever. i'll try to set up my new place like i'm actually expecting people to come over and things...
• although i am occasionally a very social person, i only have a few close friends. i've always been like that - nothing new there. but lately (as i struggle with the loneliness) i'm struggling with that as well. when you only hang out with 3 or 4 people, and their schedules are all different from yours, you don't really get out much. well, i don't anyway. and sometimes i want to go out and be around people and meet people and have lots of friends to hang out with. but you know, not really. people are a lot of work. and being around a lot of random people is exhausting when you're picking up on everyone's energy and emotions, no matter how well you shield yourself. in the end, i'd much rather just hang out with someone i'm completely comfortable with. but that's a short list. and i do add to the list from time to time, but still...
• that circular thought pattern got away from me there, and wandered dangerously close to self-pity. sorry. and i apologize again, because the next thought is a bit self-indulgent as well...
• i am so very tired of being alone and being left behind. i've never been one of those people who needs to be with someone to be happy - and good thing too, given my extremely sparse dating life - and i'm very self-reliant. but you know what? i'd like to not be lonely for a while. or ever. whatever. however...
• while i'm very good at being in a relationship - from my limited experience anyway - i am absolute rubbish at everything leading up that. i have no idea of the standard social norms and protocols for dating or flirting are. everyone else seems to understand these things inherently; i am clueless. i don't understand games or tactics or anything like that. (i think this is why jr. high sucked so badly for me - it's ALL about social tactics and mind games and i had no idea what was going on. ever.) i'm even worse now that i'm afraid to put myself out there again.
• and also there's the fact that i never want things in the abstract. i don't want simply to date anyone. i don't - and can't - just let anyone in to my life. so it's got to be someone that fits. and that narrows down the possibilities to a sliver. that doesn't help. i could easily "not be alone" but that isn't the same as being happy with someone.
• apparently, my head was a bit fuller than i thought. and with weightier things than i thought. ah, well. i suppose it's better to blather on than to leave them stuck in my head.
• you know what i really want? a jelly donut. i've been craving one for the last month or so, something fierce. it's something i just can't find a gluten-free equivalent for. which is extremely sad. jelly donuts are good.
• today is a cure kind of day. "mint car" just came on and pretty much made my day.
• that is all for now. i think.

The Stupid Thing Is That I'm Surprised Every Time

"well, you know how it feels if you begin hoping for something that you want desperately badly; you almost fight against the hope because it is too good to be true; you've been disappointed so often before. that was how digory felt. but it was no good trying to throttle his hope. it might - really, really, it just might be true. so many odd things had happened already." ~c. s. lewis, the magician's nephew

.

Come to the Water

there are a few constant truths in my life, and it always amazes me when I forget them. or, if not forget, then push them to the side. it all makes sense at the time; it's inconvenient, or it'll cost money I don't have, or I don't have a day off, or whatever. but I really should know better by now. I DO know better. sometimes I just make poor choices based on malaise or convenience or just plain laziness. because rule number one is not "the doctor lies", it is "go to the beach". or any shoreline, really - sand does not actually have to be involved. there is something about being in a place that's a crossroads of all the elements - it centers me in a way nothing else does. I may have only been on the beach for a few hours last sunday, reading and sitting and then wandering around, but those few hours rebooted me entirely. things I'd been thinking over and worrying about and meditating on for weeks or months just melted away into clear answers. or maybe not clear answers, exactly, but certainly a calmer acceptance of where I am and how to deal with it. or not deal with it and just be. because apparently being beachside makes me into a yoda-like zen master. at least for a little while. and when wears off and I go back to being anxiety-girl, could you kindly order my excuse-finding ass back to the beach? thanks.

I Love My People

paul, a friend from high school, was in town on a job. he and his his co-pilot - for he flies planes for a private company - were looking for something to do. luckily for them it was a Thursday night; we all know I rarely do anything and am something less than a social butterfly. I am completely out of touch with normal going-out-and-partying type things. but thursdays, I can offer open-mic night. so I did. and I asked some other people to come play, and they did, and I believe a good time was had by all. I know a good time was had by me, anyway.

rob: she's a dancer. she has to do everything with a flourish.
me: but not on purpose. I think I'm just extra ridiculous all the time, and flourishes are the result.
rob: yes, that's exactly it, actually.

eric: she likes nsync AND mylie cyrus? where do you find these people?
me: she's a new friend, I take no responsibility. you can blame rob.

me: (to paul) so not much has changed since high school - all my friends are still fun. and completely ridiculous.

pat: in brazil we are rude and push people and we not care about others.
me: that's an eastern european accent you're using.
pat: in brazil we sound like russian. this is what I learn at my job.

erin: (for the 7th time in as many minutes) but see, I'm married -
eric: is she married?
rob: well, she's married....
me: she really wants us to know this.
eric: or she's trying to convince herself...
rob: that's much more likely.
erin: (who has not heard any of this aside) what? I'm married, and....

me: you should go sing something.
paul: um, no.
me: why? you were IN a band once...
paul: yeah, that was a LONG time ago.
me: I'm sure it's like riding a bike...
paul: yeah, no. it's probably more like flying a plane - if you forget something you don't just fall down, someone could die...

He Has A Point...

me: good lord, i have issues. how do i make it through the day?

john: vodka?

me: no. hmm. maybe that's the problem.

john: obviously.

Mom Does It Again...

text from my mother this morning...

'Had a dream the other night where the 4 of us were on a winding road in the van. Dad fell asleep at the wheel. I took the wheel and kicked his foot off the gas pedal. Mayzie and I was ok, you and dad were thrown from the van. Dad was sliding down the hill so I was hanging on to him. They took you to the hospital with two holes in your left thigh, and all the doctor had to say was, "really Karen, 2 tattoos of sesame street on your leg?"'

for the record, I have no muppets on my person, nor do I ever plan to, no matter how much i may like them. I promise.

Well, Crap.

pretty ideas and random daydreams are one thing; they're pleasant distractions from the real world, and that's fine. the problem is when something goes from being a pretty - and probably unobtainable - idea to being something you actively want. wanting is never good. it means you're emotionally invested and that if (or more likely when) you don't get that thing, it takes a toll. wanting is a part of desire, and to quote neil gaiman, desire is always cruel. dammit....

Can't Be Stopped

I'm currently reading extremely loud and incredibly close by Jonathan safran foer. and loving it. the following passage just caught me - something about the simple beauty of damaged people helping each other because they can't help themselves, I guess...

[mr. black is talking about a community in Russia of artists who had been forced to flee the cities, and had covered their new place in paintings - the walls, the ceilings, the plates, the windows, everything. also, mr. black shouts because he's a bit deaf.]
"Stalin found out about the community and sent his thugs in, just a few days before I got there, to break all their arms! that was worse than killing them! it was a horrible sight, Oskar: their arms in crude splints, straight in front of them like zombies! they couldn't feed themselves, because they couldn't get their hands to their mouths! so you know what they did!" "they starved?" "they fed each other! that's the difference between heaven and hell! in hell we starve! in heaven we feed each other!" "I don't believe in the afterlife." "neither do I, but I believe in the story!"

Throwing It All Away (Or Trying To)

"With the time I waste on the life I never had
I could've turned myself into a better man"
- toad the wet sprocket, "throw it all away"

I worked a party a couple weeks ago with a girl who just broke up with her boyfriend, and had already set her sights on a guy who works in the complex with us. and while I personally don't work that way, I undersstand the view point: that's over so it's time to move on. or as she said, "I just wasted two years of my life on someone who can't be bothered anymore. why should I waste anymore time on it?" and for whatever reason, at that moment it resonated with me. I've essentially wasted two years of my life mourning the loss of a future with a man who, contrary to previous actions, apparently decided I wasn't important enough to say goodbye to. and while I obviously needed the time to heal - and am still working on it - I can't keep letting my soul be damaged by someone who clearly wanted to be out of my life. damage has been done, I have to live with it and work through it, but I don't have to let it continue to scar me. I'm trying to open myself to possibilities around me. do I believe anything will work out? or even happen at all? I don't know. I'm not sure I believe I get to have a successful relationship or be happy. and yes, I know it's depressing and a sad viewpoint to have, but I have only my past to look at and the evidence seems to speak for itself. and I'm not sure I'd even be prepared for anything to actually happen. but I suppose the fact that I'm willing to see says something, right? well, we'll see I guess...