Why Do I Not Wanna?

what is it that causes me to not want to do things - to make me believe they’re too much effort? i mean, obviously i understand the situational cause, but there’s got to be some sort of scientific explanation, too, right? like my brain isn’t producing enough [insert latin chemical name here] and this is what causes me to be unable to do (what should be) simple things like do the laundry or call the doctor’s office. i need to be enlightened because if there’s something i can do to offset this symptom, i need to be doing it. i don’t do much anyway, what with the being poor and living far from people and not having a lot of going-out-with friends; i need to keep from being completely inert. my life cannot become only work and sitting on my couch browsing the interwebs and crying, because that’s certainly not going to help my mental state. any science-minded people have any answers?

I Don't Know How To Answer That

"how are you?" seems like a simple enough question. and most of us answer it automatically, just like we ask it. we hear it so often - from our neighbors, co-workers, the cashier at the market - and most of the time it's only asked out of politeness; the person asking really doesn't care, or at least doesn't really want an answer other than "fine" or "good." and that's ok, really - it's a social conditioning to ask, to be polite, to show possible interest. sometimes it's asked with real concern, by the people who know and love us, and it seems easier to answer those inquiries honestly. but i seem to be having some real problems responding to the casually-asked version of this question lately.

i'm odd anyway (like that should be a shock to anyone) and one of my weird ocd things is accuracy. in this case, it prevents me from replying "fine" when i'm not. if i say "not so great," then the next question will undoubtedly be some variation of "what's wrong?" i realize that most people don't want a dissertation on why i'm not fine, and in 95% of cases, i don't really want to tell them anyway. inner circle and family aside, people want to be supportive, but aren't really equipped to deal with others' loss. it makes them uncomfortable, and understandably so. no one wants to imagine what that sort of thing feels like, and besides, what do you say? "i'm sorry" seems woefully inadequate and doesn't really do anything. and asking for more details will probably only intensify the sad and possibly bring on tears - even more uncomfortable for the person just trying to be nice. none of this is fun for anyone involved.

the other issue i'm having with this question is that i honestly don't know how to answer it. i'm definitely not fine, but what am i? awful? well, yes, emotionally i suppose i am. i am bereft of my connection with one the most beautiful human beings i have ever known; i have to wake up every day knowing i will never again get a silly text from him, or ruminate with him about life over drinks, or see him onstage doing what he loved, or hear a new piece of his music. and that knowledge sucks harder than i can possibly put into words. but i also know - objectively, mind you, in those brief moments when i can get around the sheer horribleness of the situation - that i'm dealing with this fairly well. (ironically, i can deal because of him, but that's another subject for another blog.) i sit around and cry all the time, i'm frequently overwhelmed by the need to hear from him, or the want to send him a silly picture, or just by the intense feeling of without.  but i get up. i go to work. i occasionally do things with people. i eat (though not terribly well, i admit). and i try my best to go to yoga because it seems to be keeping me sane. sometimes i even enjoy myself for small pockets of time before something random reminds me that everything sucks. but that's the point: not everything sucks, just this one thing. granted, it affects how i deal with and feel about everything else, but i have work, i'm mostly making ends meet for the moment, i have my drama classes to teach, and i'll have dance again soon. most of my life isn't sucky, technically. so how do i feel? i don't know. mind-bogglingly sad. grateful for my jobs. alone. appreciative of the friends and family that love me. kinda angry. mindful of the beauty around me. heart-broken. all of these contradictory things, and usually all at the same time.

so i think i've come to the conclusion that it's just best not to answer in casual conversation. i've had enough theatre training and guest/client/parent contact over the years to enable me to smooth over and redirect the conversation. usually just repeating the question will encourage the person to answer, and few follow-up questions should be enough to put the focus on them. eventually i'll be able to go back to "fine" and "good" but until then, i think i'll just stick with, "how are you?"

i'm trying to take your advice...

i am. it's not going very well at the moment, i'm afraid. but i'll keep trying...

 

(that was such a fun night, too...)

So Much Awesome In Only 52 (or so) Hours

i believe i'll bullet-point the weekend for convenience's sake, so here we go. all this for $10 and a tank of gas...

• friday i found out i won tickets to the incredible burt wonderstone through a friend's website. (if you don't know drew, and are a fan of magic and/or theatricality, go here.) this meant i got to get out of my house (for free!) and catch up with some old friends. the movie was actually much better than i expected, i met some cool new people, and i may have made a tutoring connection. excellent all-around evening.

• saturday morning i worked, as usual. but because one of my students cancelled, i got out an hour early and had time to take a nap.  i picked up c around 6 and we headed out to melbourne for a st. patrick's day street party. we scored rock star parking (for only $5 - which is seriously impressive if you're used to living in orlando) and headed over. it was a typical small-town street party: not terribly exciting, but rife with outstanding people-watching opportunities. and people with monumental mustaches. 

• the whole point of traveling to melbourne, of course, was to see cowboy mouth. if you don't know my love for this band, well, clearly we've not met. and you don't read this blog. they put on one of the best live shows you'll ever see. and they delivered, as usual. which is extra amazing when you consider that they just played d.c. 10 hours earlier to kick off the rock and roll marathon. so they were clearly tired and road-weary and all the rest, and still kicked ass. i wasn't sure what to expect crowd-wise, but there were several fans there, so that was cool. also, because the stage was tiny and we were up front (because where else would i be?), we were thisclose to the band - which made for even more interaction than usual. so much awesome. cm shows are such a catharsis, and since the past month or so has been one big ball of stress, i was overdue for a good release. 

• sometime saturday i learned via twitter that neil gaiman and amanda palmer were trying to do a ninja gig somewhere in sarasota on sunday. this is just over 2 hours away from me, and i waffled back and forth for hours sunday morning. do i go? can i really justify two road trips in one weekend? i mean, my little car is the most awesome piece of vehicular machinery ever (no hyperbole; just truth), but it is getting older and i hate adding to its stress. finally, i decided that if i didn't go, i'd probably regret it. and i was right. the show was at 2 at ringling college, and i figured i should probably leave at 11. after all the back-and-forthing with myself, i ended up leaving around 11:30. traffic was going well and i was feeling confident i'd arrive with enough time to figure out where on the campus i was going, when i4 came to a dead stop. absolute parking lot. for about 45 minutes. eventually it cleared, and i hurried on, afraid i'd miss the show. i arrived about 35 minutes late, just as neil began reading a selection. there's something innately magical about listening to an author read his own work to a spell-bound crowd. i'm sure the fact that it was neil gaiman reading only intensified the effect. afterward, he and amanda took questions from the crowd, which ranged from, "can you help me repair a friendship i messed up?" to "do you guys have to deal with carpel tunnel?" the conversation between them and the crowd went from inspirational to silly to philosophical and was lovely. i was interested (and pleased) to note that when amanda asked the audience, "who feels like they are doing what they are meant to do?", i found my self raising my hand and (more importantly) believing it. i may barely be making ends meet, and i may not be doing ALL of what i'm meant to, but i'm certainly doing some good. q & a ended, amanda sang a fantastic song about the power of the ukulele and, much too soon, it was all over. afterward, there was a group photo - with ukuleles, clearly - and i even got a selfie with neil. i totally had a (mostly internal) fangirl-like moment, which is SO not me, but it happened. his works have had a great impact on my life, from the first Death comic a friend gave me when i was a teenager, to his novels that make me think and question, to the short stories i once taught my 9th graders at CHS. and so i squee'd inside for a good hour afterward (and out loud in my car once for good measure). 

• one of the most unexpected and excellent things that came of this gig happened at the book table. amanda encouraged a book swap, so i found 6 books - mostly from my old classroom library - to go on to better lives. one of these books was dealing with dragons by patricia c. wrede. as the books tumbled out of my bag to join the others on the table, the girl next to me let out a gasp and touched dealing with dragons reverently. "i haven't read this since i was a kid! oh, cimorene..." "it's yours," i said. "done. take it." i could tell by the look on her face that she had just been reunited with a childhood best friend. it was heartwarming to see her reaction, to know that others are just as deeply affected by a stranger's words as i am. i loved seeing someone react to a book the way i would react to seeing a ramona quimby, age 8 or so you want to be a wizard. and i'm so glad i was able to give that reunion to her, because i know what it would've meant to me. (and now i've got to go find another copy of that book; truth be told, i don't think i'd ever actually read it, and seeing the reaction it garnered? definitely deserves a perusal.)

• after all that, i decided to head to a beach. i was right on the coast, after all, and shorelines are my grounding places. so i went and i walked and i breathed; and then i shook the sand off my feet and put my chucks back on and went home. 

so that was my weekend. random and joyous and unexpected, and so very much what i needed. i did end up with a narrow - but very angry - strip of sunburn on my neck from the i4 incident. it's not pretty, and i'm just hoping it doesn't blister. but that's insignificant. (at least to the weekend, if not to my skin.) my pile of good stuff far outweighed my pile of bad stuff, and i am very, very grateful for it.

PBS, A Hot-Button Issue Among the Elementary School Set

Overheard while my students were arriving for drama class...

student 1 (a 2nd grader): if you could vote, who would you vote for?
student 2 (a 3rd grader): romney
1: do you watch PBS?
2: yeah! i watch it after school all the time.
1: you know if romney wins, he's gonna shut down PBS. forever.
2: but that's STUPID! we need that! well, never mind. who would vote for that? does he hate kids?
1: he might. he seems kinda jerky...

i Should Stop Thinking So Much...

I realized yesterday that I'm sort of holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. things are going marginally well, I'm healthier physically and emotionally, and I'm finding myself relatively happy. and here I am, apparently waiting for something to fall through, for someone to walk away, for something to implode. and I don't like it. I don't want to be suspicious of happiness and stability in my life. I mean, given past experiences, my worry is hardly unfounded or irrational, but still, it's no way to go around being. I don't know - maybe its good in a sort of reverse-psychology way? I never think about the possible downfalls, so when they happen, they're that much more devastating. maybe if I go into things expecting the worst, or at least allowing for those possibilities, it'll all be fine? sometimes my convoluted thought processes give me a headache. anyway, point is, I don't like assuming that things won't last, but I don't know how to fix that, as looking on the bright side of things never seemed to get me anywhere either. i don't like being negative. it's no fun and gets me nowhere. ah, well. one day at a time, everything into bite-sized pieces I suppose...

Days Don't Get Much Better

so this friday? pretty much a perfect day.  not even the random fallout of small, bitey crustaceans hitching a ride in my car and ravaging my legs and any other uncovered skin for a few days ruined the awesomeness.

sometimes i have questionable ideas, and i thought (as i drove east-bound at quarter-to-5 in the morning) that getting up WAY before the crack of dawn to drive to the beach for sunrise was one of them.  turns out, it was an excellent idea. this was my view as i arrived:

i went to playalinda beach on the space coast. there was NO ONE. anywhere. at all. sometime around 9 am, i finally had some neighbors, waaaaaaaaaaaaay down the beach. it was blissful. after watching the sunrise and eating a cupcake for breakfast, i read for a little while. 

afterwards, i drove through a wildlife preserve, and admired the local flora and fauna. i actually saw a baby bobcat on the way to the preserve, but wasn't quick enough to catch it with my camera.

then i headed home, but not before discovering an adorable little gluten-free bakery in cocoa.

home, shower, nap. i got up, all refreshed-like, and got ready to go out. agr was playing at the hard rock hotel, out by the pool. so i threw on a sundress, actually did my hair and put on make up, and met up with charissa and ivana. turns out, there was some rum-sponsored party happening out there by the pool, and as such we got two free drinks for the evening, just for showing up. excellent. i got to hang out, listen to some of my favorite musicians, hang out with eric for a bit, and just generally relax and chill. at some point, c decided she wanted to jump in the pool, but she was wearing jeans. we reasoned that if she jumped in with a tank top and underwear, she'd be perfectly acceptable. but she still hemmed and hawed. so i offered to jump in, too. i mean, why not? i had a dress on, so it didn't seem like that big a deal. so we did. because we're ridiculous.

and spent the rest of the time listening to the band whilst in the pool. thoroughly enjoyable day.

Today: A Pictorial in Hipstamatic

i guess i didn't enunciate...

we never got sporks with our school lunches!

umbrella-and-wellies weather

see?

invitation for my pseudo-nephew's birthday party - wish i could be there!

extra $5 i didn't know i owned = menchie's for dinner

a little light reading...

 

variations: rain on the windshield

home pedicure

more reading...

fortune cookie fortune

a little upload-and-connect time

This Week's Discoveries and Being Crafty

• i need a medium sized pot. for no readily explained reason, I have 3 very small pots and 2 ginormous ones. if I want to make, say, mac and cheese, I need to put more water on to boil than fits in the small pot. but I only have to fill up a third of the big one. ah, first-world problems.  

• I discovered half a bottle of aged tawny port in my cupboard I totally forgot I had. luckily, port doesn't go bad as long as its stored in a cool, dark place, so it's still delicious. I have the alcoholic taste of a 70-year-old man, apparently.  

• I got crafty last weekend and made a magnetic board for the make-up I use most often I'm order to get it up off my bathroom counter. bought a black magnetic office board, attached magnetic tape to the back of my make-up, ran two lengths of ribbons around the bottom of the board to fasten my hair clipies to, and voila! I am extraordinarily pleased with it. I kinda want to do this to all the things in my house now...

I Think I'm Too Old for This...

thoughts from the past few days...

• why do i feel like i've been struggling so hard (and constantly) the past 4 years? well, because i have, i suppose, but why is this so hard? why can't i find the right place to be? it never used to be this hard to figure things out. things fell into my lap, or at least drifted across my field of vision, and i took the opportunities as they presented themselves. now it seems to be slim pickings; and what does appear tends to be place-holder or filler positions. i don't understand why it's been nearly impossible for me to be find a full-time position where my talents are needed. or even just a full-time position (preferably with benefits), period. i know it may not be the best option, but seriously, i need to be able to support myself and keep a roof over my head. it's becoming ridiculous.
• i've been ill the past 4 days and haven't been able to keep anything down. well, that's not entirely true. i've eaten a whole banana and some powerade. anyway, my point here is this: after 2 days without food i started having pain and weakness because of the malnutrition. i assume my body is just hypersensitive because of the celiac and the fact that i suffered from malnutrition for almost 3 years, but that's what it is... all the pain and fatigue i experienced was caused by lack of vitamins and protein and things. which made me wonder, how do people who suffer from eating disorders and things do it? because certainly they're afflicted with a lot of the same symptoms i had.  it was nearly impossible to get up in the morning, it hurt to do anything, i could barely walk up a flight of stairs, my mind was stupid-fuzzy all the time... how do you go through that willingly? i get that's it's a mental disorder, but most people with anorexia put on a happy face and act mostly normal outside of their food issues. how do they not fall over all the time? do they just discard the constant pain, because it's really hard to push past that... just a random thought that has nothing to do with anything.
• i'm attempting to start to do something with my penguin stories. i have 4 or 5 of them finished, and they've been sitting around for about 10 years - they need to see the light of day. but broaching the publishing world is a bit overwhelming. do i self publish? i just now (after many years of attempting) got sample sketches of the two main characters. it could take a really long time to get a full book of illustrations out of frank. if i attempt to go with a publisher, do i get an agent? most places generally agree that this speeds the process along. but also, most publishers prefer to use their own illustrators - so do i trust someone i've never met to put an image to my babies? and and all the uber-talented and creative people i know, none of them have anything to do with the publishing industry, so there's no insider help for me. ugh. it's a lot to think about.
• i think - and this is hard to admit - that even though i took myself off medications a while ago (which i still think was the right thing to do), i don't think i'm totally at "fully operational" yet. which i had kidded myself into thinking i was. and may well be part of my problem in moving forward, or not, as the case may be. i don't know how to make myself happier so i can get to a better place, when the constant struggling puts me in an unhappy place. stupid emotional catch 22.
• on a more positive note, i realized that i'm most over the jon relationship trauma. not completely, mind you - that wound runs pretty deep, and unfortunately it seems to make connections with every other relationship i've had/attempted pretty much ever... so it's probably fair to say it's still a work in progress. but the pain is not crippling. it's not even something that enters my thoughts much any more, at least not on a daily basis. so that's good, right? i guess it's possible that it's just because i'm preoccupied with other stresses, but still... it's something. i'll take what i can get right now.
• every time i take a job for the sake of having a job and a paycheck, it does not go well, and it does not last long. and for the record, universe, i get it. i get that i'm not meant to be there, and therefore i'm forced out one way or another. i get it. but if there's nothing better for me at the time, what am i supposed to do? i can't just be unemployed until the perfect opportunity presents itself, unless you also plan to let me or a close friend or family member win the lottery. because otherwise, i need a roof and food and stuff. just saying.
• i do, however, think i'm getting closer to being more connected, like i used to be. i'm not totally there, but i feel more connected to myself than i've been in quite a while, and that's certainly a start. 
• ok, i think i've emptied out some of the extraneous mind junk. that's enough for now...