As Long As I Don't Think About it Too Hard... (Too Late)

I'm not anywhere close to even entertaining the possibility of being slightly ready for anything. at all. I'm still a big fat mess. i'm easily a year (or more) from being emotionally stable enough to consider letting someone else in. and i'm pretty sure that even if i can, i'll have a much smaller range of motion, emotionally. not sure there's even much of a point, but i digress.

but he makes me smile and I am appreciative of that. i'm not sure if i'm capable of moving forward - i'm still not completely over my life imploding, i'm very distrustful of my ability to have a relationship without being left, and (clearly) have serious abandonment issues. so there's nowhere to go for me, and no way to know if i'll ever be able to do anything about how i feel. but i'm very thankful that there's someone who gets me, who makes me laugh, and makes me feel a little better about life. and i will enjoy that for as long as i can...

It's just That I Don't Like Pain...

the old metal fillings on my back tooth are breaking down, and the dentist I saw on Saturday decided that the best thing to do is a root canal and put a crown on it. it's not that I'm nervous about the procedure itself - I have 3 fake teeth already - but I'm just dreading the pain that's going to happen in a few hours. so I'm grateful for the Valium he prescribed - I'm gonna need it. never mind the $2000 I have to fork over that I don't have (believe me, that's painful enough), but I have issues: a) I never seem to numb all the way, no matter how much novacaine they shoot into me, so I get to feel my tooth being broken apart. and hear it, which is an added bonus. wonder if they'd let me put my earphones in during the procedure? and then 2) I have tmj issues and my jaw doesn't open very wide on it's own. which means they have to force it open and hold in place with a bite block. that being done for over an hour means severe headaches and migraines for the next week. which all adds up to awesomeness. sigh. good times ahead....

Two Quotes

from Sandra King:

"if you want to find yourself but don't know where to look, search for who you were before you were told to sit down and shut up; there will be your spirit. search for the traits you both admire and abhor; there will be your needs. search for what brings you to life; there will be your heart. search everywhere; there will be Self trying to find it's way home."

"let others in you're in a dark place. no, they won't be able to lift you out of the space you're in, but the light that spills in when you call, "come in," will at least show you which way is the door."

My Awesome Dancers

i love these girls, plain and simple. they're funny, they love to dance, and they work hard (most of the time). this is a routine they'd been working on for only 2 classes at this point; which means when you factor out warm-up time, bathroom/water breaks, and occasional silliness, they'd probably only spent about 60-70 minutes learning and practicing this. which is pretty awesome until it all falls apart. :o) i'm so proud of these kiddos - and hopefully i'll get them doing the full thing later this week...

update: i can't get the video to upload so i'll try to get a video on my phone this week...

Clearly, the Ridiculousness is Hereditary...

my mother: hey, i just saw those photos you posted yesterday. those are some really beautiful pictures of you.

me: thanks, mom!

mom: you know how everyone says you look like me? i had no idea i was so gorgeous...

me: good lord, woman. i'm hanging up on you now...

Turning a Page (I Hope)

the last 2 years have sucked, this we know. and actually, i've been having a really hard time getting my feet under me for the last 3 and half years, several months of love-induced bliss aside. but the last few days have felt... better. after a really horrific and emotional (and shoe-less) birthday, i think i may finally be on an upswing. and it's a solid feeling, too - i'm waking up feeling a teensy bit better about life in general. even my habitual mantra of "i hate life" isn't popping into my head so often. well, here's hoping...

Doing What I Love. Preferably for a Paycheck.

just in case the universe has started listening to me again, and may be in a position to help, i would just like to point out that i do NOT love childcare and/or working for minimum wage, and i DO love working with older kids in the realms of theatre and dance. so, you know, it'd be awesome to actually be able to support myself doing these things. especially since i know i'm good at it and can (and do) make a difference. just throwin' that out there...

A Little Musical Wisdom

You remember there's more than this
There always was and always is
Tend the artist in your charges, you are full invested

Rise up your dead

There's life in the old girl yet

-indigo girls

p.s. do yourself a favor and create a "cowboy mouth" station on pandora. even if you don't know who they are. especially if you don't know. it is a most awesome station... trust me.

The Most Beautiful Shoes in the World

birthday shoes: they are a tradition for me. the shoes don't have to be expensive, but they SHOULD be festive and maybe a little flashy. last month, my bgbff informed me that my 40th birthday pressie would be laboutins - 40, partly because it's a milestone, and partly because it's clearly going to take 5 years to save up the ridiculous amount of money that they cost. bored one night, i decided to look up laboutin's current seasonal offerings, just to see what was what. and that's when i discovered these magical shoes, which were clearly thought of, designed, and made specifically for me:

aren't they magnificent? now, as you may or may not know, christian laboutin sells his shoes for roughly $3000 a pop. yep, 3 thousand. but then during an image search - so that i could find a better picture of these lovelies - i discovered this site, which claims to sell REAL laboutins for only $188. there are 2 possible logical conclusions here: either a) they are fake ("slaboutins", as amy calls them), or 2) some obscure russian mafia member had to kill off someone's grandma and smuggle these out of the factory. truth is, i'm not sure sure i care either way. i mean, DID YOU SEE THE SHOES??? they are magical and good, and NEED to be part of my wardrobe. (they will then be known as my "faux dragon" shoes, thanks to a convo with rob.) so if anyone out there wants to buy me some magical birthday shoes (HI, MOM!), you should go HERE. and since the site says they'll be delivered within 7 days, if you order tomorrow (size 39 or 39.5 EU, please), they should be here in time for me to wear to benihana's on the 20th.

just trying to be helpful...

Well, That Didn't Quite Work...

last post was in april... so much for trying to write more as an outlet. ah, well. let's see. update: working at rdv sportsplex as a glorified baby-sitter for minimum wage - not loving that, though i do like working parties and special events; no longer teaching at the studio as lukasz has apparently decided that, after working there for a year, i "don't fit in with the studio" (read: i'm not skinny, i don't wear tons of make-up or dress to the nines to teach kids tap and ballet, and i'm not fake); started slowly weaning myself off the zoloft, which went fine until i took myself off completely - the physical withdrawal symptoms are mild and i'm dealing, but apparently i'm still mentally and emotionally a bit more effed-up than i gave myself credit for. which sucks on two levels: 1) i'm finding myself easily overwhelmed and having mild anxiety issues about every-day things that i should be able to deal with without blinking; and b) i'm having problems assimilating and dealing empathically - i'm not sure if it's because i'd gotten so used to the zoloft causing me not to feel things at full-strength, or because i'm just not able to handle other people's thoughts and feelings right now without pharmaceutical assistance. i assume it's the second, because of that "emotionally effed-up" discovery. which is not particularly cool, but i'm not really sure how to fix it. i suppose i can either suck it up and deal and stay off the drugs, or i can give in and go back on the small dose i've been taking for the last 2 months. i'm really not sure which is the better option, really...

ok, that concludes the extremely-colonic-and-parenthetical portion of today's discussion. i'd like to say that my posts will be more positive as i work to make my life more positive, but i can't promise that. this is my outlet, after all, so it is what it is and i'll say what i need to say. i suppose i can try a disclaimer system to warn you not to read the negative stuff, though it's not like lots of people read this anyway, so you know, maybe i won't... :o)