I Wish I Were More Like Avril Lavign. Well, Sort Of...

we'll just start this by saying that if you don't see me, or WANT to see me, as a sexual creature - if you're my mom, or rob, who refuses to believe that neither i nor his sister could ever have sex, even though his sister has three kids... ok, i'm digressing a lot, but you see what i'm saying here. part of my ick right now has to do with the way i think about sex, so if you don't care about these things, please read no further.

i am - as we all know - a mess. which lots of people say and mean in various degrees of truth. the thing is, i'm really broken. and i don't know how - or even if - i can be fixed. i still only want one person, although that's impossible and incredibly pointless and rather stupid. i get all this logically, but it doesn't change anything. i'm also incredibly lonely and in desperate need of some male attention and/or company... buuuuuut i don't want a person in the abstract - you see my problem here? it's all very stupid.

i'm just not the sort of person that can do casual sex or even casual relationships. i'd like to, trust me, but it just doesn't work for me. part of it is the empath component. here's the cycle of stupidity that happens in my head: sex is obviously the closest you can physically be to another person, right? and since i'm someone who can physically feel people's energy from some distance, i obviously need to be comfortable with this person and his energy. and if i'm comfortable with his energy, then chances are that i like and respect him. and if i like and respect him, then it's probably someone i could be in a relationship with. it's a natural progression, and let's be honest: i'm a girl. i'm predisposed to emotional connections. so it's not likely that i will be able to just have a physical relationship without it spilling over into the emotional. and right now, i have absolutely NO ability to even CONSIDER an emotional relationship. i want be all, "all my life i've been good but now i'm thinking what the hell?" ala ms. lavign, but the truth is it doesn't work that way in my world. and also i have so many hang ups about disease and pregnancy that "casual" becomes too much work... and so i sit here. alone and lonely and no way to ease it.

ok, enough whining - i just needed to sort through my emotions and why i feel so craptastic right now. end rant.

Wow, How Time Flies When You're a Mess...

the last time i posted was on may 18th - nearly 10 months ago. i'm really not sure what happened, besides the fact that life became to much for me to even comment on any more. which i realize is kind of sad and pathetic, but there you have giraffes. to bring you - and me - up to speed, i'll just bullet point the last year...

• got stuck in virginia till the end of the school year. planned to spend a few weeks with my parents and then move back to florida.
• my grandfather died right as i was moving, and i ended up staying in mo-town for a couple months to help out and things.
• moved to florida at the end of august. stayed with rob for a few months while i attempted to save up money to have my own place.
• started teaching ballroom dance at various schools as an after-school program, and working with a dance studio as an assistant.
• only at the studio one day a week now, still teaching ballroom, will be teaching tap, jazz, and ballet as well. hoping this will continue to pay the bills...
• still a big fat emotional mess. can't always be bothered to get up in the morning. working on this.
• a friend of mine is staying with me for now whilst she sorts out some issues in her life. this is awesome because she rocks and it's nice to have the company - and the pressure to actually care about my home environment. however, it's been a while since i had a roommate, so i have to remember how to be a good one. (rob doesn't exactly count because a. we're very similar; 2. it's like living with family; and also i kinda had my own side of the house.)
• discovered that my medical issues and "fibromyalgia" seems to be, in fact, celiac disease. great that i can control it just with my diet; sucks because gluten is EVERYWHERE and it's become very inconvenient and expensive to eat.
  
  i think that about covers it. i'll try to actually post now. i think it's best if i give myself some sort of outlet, and i haven't in quite a while. we'll see how this goes...

Kindergarten Insight

to be honest, i’m really not cut out to teach little kids. i MUCH prefer my high-schoolers, thank you very much. i do, however, readily admit that little kids can be a great source of amusement. These are some of the things posted on the walls of the kindergarten/first grade pod at one of our “science club” schools.

first, sing with me now: "one of these things is not like the others..."

"oh, one of these things just doesn't belong..."

(“um, i kinda misunderstood the assignment…”)

and i love the reasoning behind their choices. for example, these may seem reasonable and obvious enough:

and then we have these:

simple, honest, and to the point. love it.

Cherry Blossoms, Beavers, Frozen Yogurt, and Wax Figures

rob and i ventured into d.c. friday and saturday to wander about and take part in the cherry blossom festivities. as previously discussed, i sucked at life friday, but i was a bit better on saturday and much fun was had. high points of the weekend included, but were not limited to:

• discovering fro-zen-yo downtown; self-serve frozen yogurt and toppings for a very low price. and YUMMY!!
• fun photos at madame tussaud's
• a boat tour organizational mishap that led to an entertaining cruise around the potomac and anacostia rivers
• walking around the basin and taking pictures of the breathtaking sight that is the circle of cherry blossom trees in full bloom
• discovering ella's wood fire pizza and the deliciousness that was the "verdura" pizza
• meeting paddles the beaver (who reminds us all not to pick the cherry blossoms)
• 

Val and B.B. - A Tale of Two Intoxicating Women

from radio freefall: "the two women in the group... were as different from each other as valium and crystal meth."

i think this is an excellent description of me and charissa; both are very potent drugs, but they work in very different ways. when i sent this to c, she immediately and completely agreed. obviously (if you've ever met us, this will be easy to figure out) she is meth, and i am valium. i think it's part of why we work well as friends - we're opposites in a lot of ways, and we tend to balance each other out. almost immediately my nickname became "val", but meth proved harder to work with. "crystal" or "crys" just don't fit her, and are too close to her actual name anyway. "meth" is a stupid name for a person. c.m. (her actual initials, funnily enough) doesn't work either. so we started looking at street names for it. enter "black beauty" - a nickname for meth and the perfect (and very appropriate) one for her. we're using "b" or "b.b." for short. should i be concerned that a quote about drugs is what inspires our nicknames? i suppose it's just life imitating art, or in our case, art imitating life...

A Great Big Ball of Suck

this is what my life appears to be at the moment. b.b. (c's new nickname - i'll explain later) and i were discussing this today. i'm sick of it. i'm tired of hating life and being terminally depressed. it's exhausting, and it certainly can't be any fun for the people who have to be around me. i assumed that with rob visiting me for spring break, i'd be sufficiently excited and distracted, but not so. don't get me wrong - i love rob and i was very very glad to spend time with him. but i still had to literally force myself to do stuff. i still didn't want to do anything but hide in my bed and sleep. i spent much of friday apologizing for sucking at life (it was a particularly bad day for me), and i'm sure rob was tired of my continual sorry's, but i felt guilty. we should have been talking and laughing and being silly the whole time, and i just couldn't find it in me to do that. it's just ridiculous. i just wanted to spend time with one of my best friends and hang out and have fun, but it was torturous forcing myself to do so.

you know, people really shouldn't be able to screw up each other this way. and that goes all around, i guess. if girls in jon's past hadn't screwed with his head, maybe he would have been able to trust me and what we had, thereby avoiding effing me up royally. and, sadly, i'm really starting to believe that this is something that i'll just have to learn to live with. it's not like i'm ever going to be completely over him or anything - as i've said before, it can only be downhill after "love of your life" so what's the point? - so maybe this is a condition, like the fibro or panic disorder, that i'll just have to cope with. the pain may never go away, but hopefully my tolerance will go up - just like it has with my physical pain - and it'll be easier to live with. hopefully. i don't know. i don't know anything anymore. my world has been completely shattered, and i never knew it was possible for a single person to do that to me. bleagh. i'll stop kvetching now, i guess. i'm done, is all. just done.

What Would Happen If Ray Bradbury, David Bowie, Ayn Rand, and Metallica Got Together and Made a Book

i have started reading radio freefall by matthew jarpe, and really, the title of this blog is the best way i can think to describe it. it's intriguing and interesting, a rock 'n roll take on the future of the human race. it's smart, clever, and funny; it doesn't spoon-feed you, but allows you to connect the dots from our current state of affairs to the book's setting in 2031, giving you enough info to understand what's going on without spelling out everything in tedious exposition. i'm about 100 pages in, and i'm hooked. i'm not entirely sure where everything is going, and that's hard to find - something i love in a story, as long as the ending doesn't suck. if you like any and/or all of the things in the title, i suggest you give a try...

Just In Case You Weren't Sure...

john called me last night and shared this story with me. it made me laugh quite a bit...

As I am going on holiday in Key West in a week, I went shopping for a new swim suit. I headed into my local homo clothing store and was browsing, when greeted by a friendly German middle aged salesman. He held up a pair of trunks and with heavy accent said “These are nice. The wee-wee goes here in the front, the bum goes in the back, and everyone is happy.” Thank you, Mr.German Shopkeep for explaining the mystifying logistics of the men’s swim suit. I mean really, I have worn pants before, and I think I can maneuver a square piece of fabric with two leg holes without further instruction.

To Put it in Perspective...

germany says, "heißen sie willkommen zu 1883!"

the UK says, "welcome to 1911!"

france says, "accueillir à 1930!"

canada says, "bienvenue and welcome to 1961!"

australia says, "welcome to 1975!"

look, i get that americans kind of suck when it comes to "political traditions" and change. and i understand that this is a huge change that will take a while to implement. but look around, people. we need this change. unemployment is at a ridiculous level; and more importantly, a lot of people who have jobs (hi, america, my name is karen) only have part-time status - usually at more than one place - or work for a company that can't afford or doesn't offer health care for their employees. and seriously, this is not some crazy new radical idea. it's been in place in other countries - SUCCESSFULLY - for years. decades. even centuries, in some cases. bottom line is it works. and most importantly: PLEASE inform yourself with real facts, figures, and news about this bill. do not watch fox news and call this truth. do the research, find out the actual truth, and then if you still disagree, fine. but do so intelligently, instead of using the latest catch-phrase about what's "really going on" or how evil the supporters of this are.

ok, i'm down, and putting the soapbox away now...

The Impact of an Amazing Teacher

mrs. buchman (pronounced "bookman") was my fifth grade home-room teacher. i also danced at the same studio as her daughter, so i knew who she was before i had her, even though i always viewed her as "teacher" before "friend's mother." mrs. buchman was awesome. she knew how to make boring stuff fun - or at least less boring - knew how to keep us interested, and knew when we needed a break. she loved what she did, and she loved each and every one of us even when we were being difficult. and she "got" us. fifth and sixth grade are extremely tricky years, and i'd never be able to handle teaching those grades full-time. (i know people think i'm crazy for teaching high school, but i think elementary school is way harder to deal with. but i digress. as usual.) anyway, my point here is that mrs. buchman rocked. today, i got a friend request on facebook from "carolyn buchman." it actually took me a second, because of course when you're 11, you don't really think about your teachers having first names. once i realized it was my mrs. buchman i actually got really excited, and flattered that she'd remembered me and found me on facebook and wanted to touch base with me. she's one of the teachers that truly inspired me and made me realize how much a teacher could do for her students - that it wasn't just classwork and bookwork, but that you could teach life lessons and help students learn about themselves. i only hope that a former student of mine will someday feel that way about me.