Well, Crap.

pretty ideas and random daydreams are one thing; they're pleasant distractions from the real world, and that's fine. the problem is when something goes from being a pretty - and probably unobtainable - idea to being something you actively want. wanting is never good. it means you're emotionally invested and that if (or more likely when) you don't get that thing, it takes a toll. wanting is a part of desire, and to quote neil gaiman, desire is always cruel. dammit....

Can't Be Stopped

I'm currently reading extremely loud and incredibly close by Jonathan safran foer. and loving it. the following passage just caught me - something about the simple beauty of damaged people helping each other because they can't help themselves, I guess...

[mr. black is talking about a community in Russia of artists who had been forced to flee the cities, and had covered their new place in paintings - the walls, the ceilings, the plates, the windows, everything. also, mr. black shouts because he's a bit deaf.]
"Stalin found out about the community and sent his thugs in, just a few days before I got there, to break all their arms! that was worse than killing them! it was a horrible sight, Oskar: their arms in crude splints, straight in front of them like zombies! they couldn't feed themselves, because they couldn't get their hands to their mouths! so you know what they did!" "they starved?" "they fed each other! that's the difference between heaven and hell! in hell we starve! in heaven we feed each other!" "I don't believe in the afterlife." "neither do I, but I believe in the story!"

Throwing It All Away (Or Trying To)

"With the time I waste on the life I never had
I could've turned myself into a better man"
- toad the wet sprocket, "throw it all away"

I worked a party a couple weeks ago with a girl who just broke up with her boyfriend, and had already set her sights on a guy who works in the complex with us. and while I personally don't work that way, I undersstand the view point: that's over so it's time to move on. or as she said, "I just wasted two years of my life on someone who can't be bothered anymore. why should I waste anymore time on it?" and for whatever reason, at that moment it resonated with me. I've essentially wasted two years of my life mourning the loss of a future with a man who, contrary to previous actions, apparently decided I wasn't important enough to say goodbye to. and while I obviously needed the time to heal - and am still working on it - I can't keep letting my soul be damaged by someone who clearly wanted to be out of my life. damage has been done, I have to live with it and work through it, but I don't have to let it continue to scar me. I'm trying to open myself to possibilities around me. do I believe anything will work out? or even happen at all? I don't know. I'm not sure I believe I get to have a successful relationship or be happy. and yes, I know it's depressing and a sad viewpoint to have, but I have only my past to look at and the evidence seems to speak for itself. and I'm not sure I'd even be prepared for anything to actually happen. but I suppose the fact that I'm willing to see says something, right? well, we'll see I guess...

Fatal Flaw

John has yelled at me about this - and reprimanded me again recently for a comment I made - but I really have no other explanation. for all my frivolity and randomness and even my romanticism, I am a very practical person. highly logical, albeit in my own way. and yes, I realize it's impossible to make rigid statements when dealing with people because people are individual and changeable. but when every single guy I've ever had a relationship with reacts the exact same way, then something's gotta be up, right? (or attempted a relationship, because, let's be honest, I do bring a lot of harder-to-deal-with things to the table to begin with.) and these are all very different men and really good people. well, ok, one of them was kind of an asshat about things, but generally, awesome people who, after a certain amount of time with me, all do the exact same thing: walk away from me with no explanation, no reason, no good-bye. no excuses, even. just gone. out of my life completely, just like that. and it's not like these guys even had a history of walking out on people. (well, ok, maybe the same aforementioned asshat had some issues. ok, that one I take responsibility for - I should've known better.) anyway, the point is: if every single person reacts the exact same way, and these people are all different, then obviously the fault must lie in me. the evidence points to the apparent fact that something about me must trigger this response. the frustrating thing is I can't fix it because I don't know what it is. and I can't ask anyone, because they're all gone. (well, all but one, but that's a long complicated mess that is currently simple and surfacey and uncomplicated and I'd like to keep it that way.) and the next logical conclusion is that this will continue to happen any time I might try to be with someone. if someone can claim to love me and want to marry me and make a life with me and STILL walk away from me without a word, then... what's funny is that I never went into any relationship - or potential relationship - expecting them to walk away. which seems silly in retrospect, but I guess it didn't occur to me that the same thing would happen over and over.

which brings up another point, and the one that john yelled at me for: I can't keep doing this. I sure as hell can't survive what I went through after jon again. so how can I trust that the next man WON'T run away? clearly I now have abandonment issues; and I can't even consider being with someone until I can let go of that and not expect it. I fully believe that to be successful in a relationship you need to be able to be completely open and completely over what has happened in the past. I won't go into something if I'll be projecting past problems on the current person. it's totally unfair, and as I've been hurt by this in the past, I refuse to do this to anyone else. but how do i let go of what appears to be fact? an obviously repeting pattern that is out of my control? ugh. I hate being broken...

Brief Hiatus From Land

because i've had some serious issues in the last couple of years finding a full-time job - or even several part-time jobs that allow me to keep a roof over my head and eat - i started filling out applications to everything that i was even slightly qualified for. 2 weeks ago i was offered a seasonal youth staff position with norwegian cruise lines... starting tomorrow. the problem with this is that by the time i took 2 or 3 days to make up my mind (do i really want to do this?) it gave me about 8 business days to get things done. i made as many appointments as possibles around my work schedule. the bigger problem was that this week is a holiday week, and most doctor's offices and labs were only open 2 or 2 and a half days. which meant i could get things run, but i can't get the reports until next week. so my ship out date has been pushed out till mid-week or next sunday. i'm a little worried about food and cross-contamination, since i was informed that no special consideration will be made for crew member's dietary restrictions. i guess i'll just have to illegally stash peanut butter and gf crackers in my cabin...

it looks like i might have some good stuff lined up for when i get back in 6 (well, now 5) weeks. if nothing else, it's a break from jobs i don't particularly like and a chance to travel a bit. hopefully, it'll be a good decision and experience. and chances are i won't lose too much sanity in 5 weeks...

UPDATE: yeah, that didn't happen. norwegian was a pain in the ass to deal with, and then i started a job that is kinda awesome, so no ships for me. which is probably for the best, since i really wasn't sure about how my body was going to react, what with the motion sickness and the celiac...

This Song Makes Me Feel Better About Life

also, my friends rock. literally.





(go check them out here. and go buy a cd!)

Oh, You Have Got to be Kidding...

so today was take two on my root canal. the problem is that several other old fillings have been working their way loose and needed to be addressed first. so by the time they've gotten through those, I'm toast. between severe TMJ problems and the stupid anxiety disorder, I can only make it so long. and today the Valium never kicked in. AT ALL. I might as well have had a triple espresso instead of two downers. ridiculous. and, of course, it all adds up to more money I don't have, that I'll have to borrow from my incredibly helpful and understanding parents, which is totally unfair to them. they dont have a spare $4000 to be dropping on my teeth, and besides i still owe them money from the last two failure-ensconced years of my life. ugh. I'm so frustrated. my next appointment isn't until January when I get back from cruising, so hopefully nothing else will fall apart between now and then...

As Long As I Don't Think About it Too Hard... (Too Late)

I'm not anywhere close to even entertaining the possibility of being slightly ready for anything. at all. I'm still a big fat mess. i'm easily a year (or more) from being emotionally stable enough to consider letting someone else in. and i'm pretty sure that even if i can, i'll have a much smaller range of motion, emotionally. not sure there's even much of a point, but i digress.

but he makes me smile and I am appreciative of that. i'm not sure if i'm capable of moving forward - i'm still not completely over my life imploding, i'm very distrustful of my ability to have a relationship without being left, and (clearly) have serious abandonment issues. so there's nowhere to go for me, and no way to know if i'll ever be able to do anything about how i feel. but i'm very thankful that there's someone who gets me, who makes me laugh, and makes me feel a little better about life. and i will enjoy that for as long as i can...

It's just That I Don't Like Pain...

the old metal fillings on my back tooth are breaking down, and the dentist I saw on Saturday decided that the best thing to do is a root canal and put a crown on it. it's not that I'm nervous about the procedure itself - I have 3 fake teeth already - but I'm just dreading the pain that's going to happen in a few hours. so I'm grateful for the Valium he prescribed - I'm gonna need it. never mind the $2000 I have to fork over that I don't have (believe me, that's painful enough), but I have issues: a) I never seem to numb all the way, no matter how much novacaine they shoot into me, so I get to feel my tooth being broken apart. and hear it, which is an added bonus. wonder if they'd let me put my earphones in during the procedure? and then 2) I have tmj issues and my jaw doesn't open very wide on it's own. which means they have to force it open and hold in place with a bite block. that being done for over an hour means severe headaches and migraines for the next week. which all adds up to awesomeness. sigh. good times ahead....

Two Quotes

from Sandra King:

"if you want to find yourself but don't know where to look, search for who you were before you were told to sit down and shut up; there will be your spirit. search for the traits you both admire and abhor; there will be your needs. search for what brings you to life; there will be your heart. search everywhere; there will be Self trying to find it's way home."

"let others in you're in a dark place. no, they won't be able to lift you out of the space you're in, but the light that spills in when you call, "come in," will at least show you which way is the door."

My Awesome Dancers

i love these girls, plain and simple. they're funny, they love to dance, and they work hard (most of the time). this is a routine they'd been working on for only 2 classes at this point; which means when you factor out warm-up time, bathroom/water breaks, and occasional silliness, they'd probably only spent about 60-70 minutes learning and practicing this. which is pretty awesome until it all falls apart. :o) i'm so proud of these kiddos - and hopefully i'll get them doing the full thing later this week...

update: i can't get the video to upload so i'll try to get a video on my phone this week...

Clearly, the Ridiculousness is Hereditary...

my mother: hey, i just saw those photos you posted yesterday. those are some really beautiful pictures of you.

me: thanks, mom!

mom: you know how everyone says you look like me? i had no idea i was so gorgeous...

me: good lord, woman. i'm hanging up on you now...

Turning a Page (I Hope)

the last 2 years have sucked, this we know. and actually, i've been having a really hard time getting my feet under me for the last 3 and half years, several months of love-induced bliss aside. but the last few days have felt... better. after a really horrific and emotional (and shoe-less) birthday, i think i may finally be on an upswing. and it's a solid feeling, too - i'm waking up feeling a teensy bit better about life in general. even my habitual mantra of "i hate life" isn't popping into my head so often. well, here's hoping...

Doing What I Love. Preferably for a Paycheck.

just in case the universe has started listening to me again, and may be in a position to help, i would just like to point out that i do NOT love childcare and/or working for minimum wage, and i DO love working with older kids in the realms of theatre and dance. so, you know, it'd be awesome to actually be able to support myself doing these things. especially since i know i'm good at it and can (and do) make a difference. just throwin' that out there...

A Little Musical Wisdom

You remember there's more than this
There always was and always is
Tend the artist in your charges, you are full invested

Rise up your dead

There's life in the old girl yet

-indigo girls

p.s. do yourself a favor and create a "cowboy mouth" station on pandora. even if you don't know who they are. especially if you don't know. it is a most awesome station... trust me.

The Most Beautiful Shoes in the World

birthday shoes: they are a tradition for me. the shoes don't have to be expensive, but they SHOULD be festive and maybe a little flashy. last month, my bgbff informed me that my 40th birthday pressie would be laboutins - 40, partly because it's a milestone, and partly because it's clearly going to take 5 years to save up the ridiculous amount of money that they cost. bored one night, i decided to look up laboutin's current seasonal offerings, just to see what was what. and that's when i discovered these magical shoes, which were clearly thought of, designed, and made specifically for me:

aren't they magnificent? now, as you may or may not know, christian laboutin sells his shoes for roughly $3000 a pop. yep, 3 thousand. but then during an image search - so that i could find a better picture of these lovelies - i discovered this site, which claims to sell REAL laboutins for only $188. there are 2 possible logical conclusions here: either a) they are fake ("slaboutins", as amy calls them), or 2) some obscure russian mafia member had to kill off someone's grandma and smuggle these out of the factory. truth is, i'm not sure sure i care either way. i mean, DID YOU SEE THE SHOES??? they are magical and good, and NEED to be part of my wardrobe. (they will then be known as my "faux dragon" shoes, thanks to a convo with rob.) so if anyone out there wants to buy me some magical birthday shoes (HI, MOM!), you should go HERE. and since the site says they'll be delivered within 7 days, if you order tomorrow (size 39 or 39.5 EU, please), they should be here in time for me to wear to benihana's on the 20th.

just trying to be helpful...

Well, That Didn't Quite Work...

last post was in april... so much for trying to write more as an outlet. ah, well. let's see. update: working at rdv sportsplex as a glorified baby-sitter for minimum wage - not loving that, though i do like working parties and special events; no longer teaching at the studio as lukasz has apparently decided that, after working there for a year, i "don't fit in with the studio" (read: i'm not skinny, i don't wear tons of make-up or dress to the nines to teach kids tap and ballet, and i'm not fake); started slowly weaning myself off the zoloft, which went fine until i took myself off completely - the physical withdrawal symptoms are mild and i'm dealing, but apparently i'm still mentally and emotionally a bit more effed-up than i gave myself credit for. which sucks on two levels: 1) i'm finding myself easily overwhelmed and having mild anxiety issues about every-day things that i should be able to deal with without blinking; and b) i'm having problems assimilating and dealing empathically - i'm not sure if it's because i'd gotten so used to the zoloft causing me not to feel things at full-strength, or because i'm just not able to handle other people's thoughts and feelings right now without pharmaceutical assistance. i assume it's the second, because of that "emotionally effed-up" discovery. which is not particularly cool, but i'm not really sure how to fix it. i suppose i can either suck it up and deal and stay off the drugs, or i can give in and go back on the small dose i've been taking for the last 2 months. i'm really not sure which is the better option, really...

ok, that concludes the extremely-colonic-and-parenthetical portion of today's discussion. i'd like to say that my posts will be more positive as i work to make my life more positive, but i can't promise that. this is my outlet, after all, so it is what it is and i'll say what i need to say. i suppose i can try a disclaimer system to warn you not to read the negative stuff, though it's not like lots of people read this anyway, so you know, maybe i won't... :o)

FMF FTW!

the past thursday, friday, and saturday nights found me in downtown orlando bouncing from venue to venue for the florida music festival. great live music, bad band names (arnon armoth, anyone?), good friends, fantastic people-watching opportunities... all in all an amazing 3 days.

we all know i'm a live-music junkie as it is, so what better way to spend some time than watching some old favorites and discovering awesome new (well, new to me) bands?

people who don't suck:

(click on the name, and it will take you to a video...)

minus the bear

easy star all-stars

thomas wynn and the believers

tayler buono (not bad for a 17-year-old...)

the lighter exchange (featuring a friend who is also frontman for agr)

big 10-4

and of course, better than ezra. because you just gotta love kevin and the band. they're big fat dorks who happen to be excellent musicians. and they like getting up on a stage and playing with the audience. for example, as seen below: "if you have any troubles with fast-moving stuff, like flashing lights or strobes, and it makes you dizzy or you fall down... you might want to avert your eyes from my fretboard, because what you're about to see might just blow your mind!" (you may want to turn the sound down a bit - it's not the best quality. but still entertaining to watch...)

And So Appropriate With Easter Around the Corner...

this is one of my favorite scenes in the book, at the wedding in cana:

Just then Joshua stumbled through the gate and crashed into us. We were able to catch ourselves and him before anyone fell. The Messiah was holding the little girl's pet bunny, hugging it to his cheek with the big back feet swinging free. He was gloriously drunk. "Know what?" Josh said. "I love bunnies. They toil not, nor do they bark. Henceforth and from now on, I decree that whenever something bad happens to me, there shall be bunnies around. So it shall be written. Go ahead, Biff, write it down." He waved to me under the bunny, then turned and started back through the gate. "Where's the friggin' wine? I got a dry bunny over here!"

"See," I said to Maggie, "you don't want to miss out on that. Bunnies!"

i enjoy christopher moore as a writer. i have most of his books, but my favorite by far is Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, which i just finished re-reading. and please don't be put off by the blasphemous-sounding title; this book is brilliant. it's funny, touching, thought-provoking, and spiritual.

i was raised catholic, and if you've met me, you know i need to know the "why" of things. a lot of the things i was being taught were presented as fact without any reason behind it. it's not that i disbelieved what i was being taught, it's just that i wanted to know more. i needed to understand the people in the story, not just the story itself. my biggest issue, always, was the way jesus ("joshua" in the original hebrew, and how he is titled in the book) was described, personality-wise. as in, he had none. yes, he was the son of god, and yes, he had very important things to do and ideas to teach. but one of the central tenants of christianity is that jesus was just like us "in all ways except sin." if he was like us, where was the humanity? i get that he didn't sin, but didn't he get confused, happy, irritated, etc just like us? how else would he know the experience of being human? i know life was hard in that time and especially for jews under roman rule, but wouldn't there have been some humor, some spontaneity, even if it were just in self defense to keep from going crazy? and also: where did he learn all these things he taught as an adult? they were decidedly un-jewish concepts, and very eastern in their feel.

i think part of why this book sits well with me is because it just makes sense to me. yes, it's a work of fiction, and moore readily admits that several things included most likely could never have happened; but it's a beautiful story of a soul that is struggling to learn all he can so he can be messiah to his people. in lamb, joshua does not sin, but everything else about him is human. and if you have a person who cannot sin, then he needs someone to look out for him. you need someone like biff who's going keep him safe and do the lying and stealing and cheating when it's necessary for survival. who is, as raziel the angel states, a bit of an asshole. it just makes sense.

My Mother, Who Got Me Into This Business...

my mom called the other day to discuss this post, even though it had strict parental guidelines - as in, if you are my parent, you may not want to hear this stuff. convo went like this:

mom: so i read your entry-thingie you had posted on facebook, even though you said for me and rob not to...

me: it was just a "fair warning" kind of thing. i don't care if you read it.

mom: good, because i did. do you really feel this way?

me: which part?

mom: like you don't want a relationship at all?

me: absolutely. i'm am so beyond be able to trust someone and myself in that situation. can't do it.

mom: and you won't just sleep with someone... like one night stands or anything?

me: um, no. is this conversation going to make me uncomfortable soon?

mom: no, i'm just checking. you said you had morals. and you do. this is good, it means i raised you right. i'm glad you turned out that way - i did teach you something.

me: (starting to laugh) well, this IS all about you.

mom: of course it is! i don't want to have to say, "this is karen, my ho."

me: (snickering) well, i don't think you can call me your ho unless you're my pimp. in which case you'd be getting a percentage...

mom: nice. would it be enough to quit my job and live off you?

yep, we really have these conversations... :o)

FaceBook: Creating a False Reality Since 2004

i met the levins on libby's 5th birthday. they were an amazing family that came to the garden, and i spent the day playing with them in between my shows. rebecca got my email address so she could send me pictures when she developed them and scanned them in. (remember when we had to develop photos?) so we stayed in touch. she let me know when they were in town, and i would come meet them to play. i went on ships for a year, then started teaching, and rebecca and i kept up with each other pretty regularly. when they came down for mickey's not-so-scary halloween party, i met them at mk and hung out all night.

life, of course, gets busy. rebecca has 3 kids, and they were growing up. there were lessons and appointments, and personal family stuff to deal with. i was teaching high school lit and working with the theatre department, so my plate was pretty full too. i moved away for almost two years, moved back... through most of this we had facebook. rebecca and i communicate pretty often on the fb; sometimes it's just comments and captions, but often we're sending letters and pictures, talking about the kids and what's going on in our lives. so much so that i forgot how long it's been since i've seen them in real life - after all, just a few days ago we were "talking". and to paraphrase william goldman, what with one thing and another, 6 years went by. as rebecca said, facebook really creates a false sense of reality about your relationship with people. not that this is really a bad thing - i'm extremely grateful for her friendship and that i'm able to keep up with the girls' cheerleading team and sam's goings-on. the levins took an impromptu trip to the area and luckily we were able to meet up for dinner, and it was like i hung out with rebecca and the girls all the time. which i kinda do. just not in real life...

to put it in perspective:

I Wish My Life WERE Tofu

so, random deep conversations happened last night, sprinkled in amongst the normal ridiculousness and shenanigans. (i will post videos of said shenanigans later. because the dancing? it is amazing.) one of these was about how crappy my life outlook is right now and how i seem unable to change that, as much as i wish i could. "it's ok," bibi said. "you're life's just... tofu right now. just... bland. it happens." but i couldn't agree. life's been tofu before, and while it's not completely fun, it is at least acceptable. but it's not. it's like life's a plate of onions and peppers - it won't kill me or anything, but please take it away because it's going to make me very, very ill. and that's just... sad. really kinda depressing. how do i get out of that? how do i change that? i don't even want to turn it into, say, chicken marsala with garlic mashed potatoes and fresh peas. firstly, i'm pretty sure that's impossible, but even it's not, it's out of reach for now. i'll settle for tofu. tofu would be good. so how do i get there? how do i change my menu?

and now, to lighten the mood and counteract my ick, i present to you "big fish, little fish, cardboard box."

Best Quote of Last Night...

... goes to bibi. we were at universal and city walk last night because andy was in town and celebrating mardi gras (again). while in rising star, a bride-to-be took the stage and while at least she could actually sing, she and her harem drunkenly cavorted and made it very hard not to point and laugh. i commented, "see? this is why i wasn't going to have one of these. we are just not these girls." to which bibi replied, "oh, no, sweetie, i would've thrown you one. but it would've been classy. we would've been in evening gowns and all done up... and there would've been a stripper, but he would be a CLASSY stripper - he would start in tuxedo pants and those little cuffs..."

aaaaaaaaaand this is why we're friends.

I Wish I Were More Like Avril Lavign. Well, Sort Of...

we'll just start this by saying that if you don't see me, or WANT to see me, as a sexual creature - if you're my mom, or rob, who refuses to believe that neither i nor his sister could ever have sex, even though his sister has three kids... ok, i'm digressing a lot, but you see what i'm saying here. part of my ick right now has to do with the way i think about sex, so if you don't care about these things, please read no further.

i am - as we all know - a mess. which lots of people say and mean in various degrees of truth. the thing is, i'm really broken. and i don't know how - or even if - i can be fixed. i still only want one person, although that's impossible and incredibly pointless and rather stupid. i get all this logically, but it doesn't change anything. i'm also incredibly lonely and in desperate need of some male attention and/or company... buuuuuut i don't want a person in the abstract - you see my problem here? it's all very stupid.

i'm just not the sort of person that can do casual sex or even casual relationships. i'd like to, trust me, but it just doesn't work for me. part of it is the empath component. here's the cycle of stupidity that happens in my head: sex is obviously the closest you can physically be to another person, right? and since i'm someone who can physically feel people's energy from some distance, i obviously need to be comfortable with this person and his energy. and if i'm comfortable with his energy, then chances are that i like and respect him. and if i like and respect him, then it's probably someone i could be in a relationship with. it's a natural progression, and let's be honest: i'm a girl. i'm predisposed to emotional connections. so it's not likely that i will be able to just have a physical relationship without it spilling over into the emotional. and right now, i have absolutely NO ability to even CONSIDER an emotional relationship. i want be all, "all my life i've been good but now i'm thinking what the hell?" ala ms. lavign, but the truth is it doesn't work that way in my world. and also i have so many hang ups about disease and pregnancy that "casual" becomes too much work... and so i sit here. alone and lonely and no way to ease it.

ok, enough whining - i just needed to sort through my emotions and why i feel so craptastic right now. end rant.

Wow, How Time Flies When You're a Mess...

the last time i posted was on may 18th - nearly 10 months ago. i'm really not sure what happened, besides the fact that life became to much for me to even comment on any more. which i realize is kind of sad and pathetic, but there you have giraffes. to bring you - and me - up to speed, i'll just bullet point the last year...

• got stuck in virginia till the end of the school year. planned to spend a few weeks with my parents and then move back to florida.
• my grandfather died right as i was moving, and i ended up staying in mo-town for a couple months to help out and things.
• moved to florida at the end of august. stayed with rob for a few months while i attempted to save up money to have my own place.
• started teaching ballroom dance at various schools as an after-school program, and working with a dance studio as an assistant.
• only at the studio one day a week now, still teaching ballroom, will be teaching tap, jazz, and ballet as well. hoping this will continue to pay the bills...
• still a big fat emotional mess. can't always be bothered to get up in the morning. working on this.
• a friend of mine is staying with me for now whilst she sorts out some issues in her life. this is awesome because she rocks and it's nice to have the company - and the pressure to actually care about my home environment. however, it's been a while since i had a roommate, so i have to remember how to be a good one. (rob doesn't exactly count because a. we're very similar; 2. it's like living with family; and also i kinda had my own side of the house.)
• discovered that my medical issues and "fibromyalgia" seems to be, in fact, celiac disease. great that i can control it just with my diet; sucks because gluten is EVERYWHERE and it's become very inconvenient and expensive to eat.
  
  i think that about covers it. i'll try to actually post now. i think it's best if i give myself some sort of outlet, and i haven't in quite a while. we'll see how this goes...