PBS, A Hot-Button Issue Among the Elementary School Set

Overheard while my students were arriving for drama class...

student 1 (a 2nd grader): if you could vote, who would you vote for?
student 2 (a 3rd grader): romney
1: do you watch PBS?
2: yeah! i watch it after school all the time.
1: you know if romney wins, he's gonna shut down PBS. forever.
2: but that's STUPID! we need that! well, never mind. who would vote for that? does he hate kids?
1: he might. he seems kinda jerky...

i Should Stop Thinking So Much...

I realized yesterday that I'm sort of holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. things are going marginally well, I'm healthier physically and emotionally, and I'm finding myself relatively happy. and here I am, apparently waiting for something to fall through, for someone to walk away, for something to implode. and I don't like it. I don't want to be suspicious of happiness and stability in my life. I mean, given past experiences, my worry is hardly unfounded or irrational, but still, it's no way to go around being. I don't know - maybe its good in a sort of reverse-psychology way? I never think about the possible downfalls, so when they happen, they're that much more devastating. maybe if I go into things expecting the worst, or at least allowing for those possibilities, it'll all be fine? sometimes my convoluted thought processes give me a headache. anyway, point is, I don't like assuming that things won't last, but I don't know how to fix that, as looking on the bright side of things never seemed to get me anywhere either. i don't like being negative. it's no fun and gets me nowhere. ah, well. one day at a time, everything into bite-sized pieces I suppose...

Days Don't Get Much Better

so this friday? pretty much a perfect day.  not even the random fallout of small, bitey crustaceans hitching a ride in my car and ravaging my legs and any other uncovered skin for a few days ruined the awesomeness.

sometimes i have questionable ideas, and i thought (as i drove east-bound at quarter-to-5 in the morning) that getting up WAY before the crack of dawn to drive to the beach for sunrise was one of them.  turns out, it was an excellent idea. this was my view as i arrived:

i went to playalinda beach on the space coast. there was NO ONE. anywhere. at all. sometime around 9 am, i finally had some neighbors, waaaaaaaaaaaaay down the beach. it was blissful. after watching the sunrise and eating a cupcake for breakfast, i read for a little while. 

afterwards, i drove through a wildlife preserve, and admired the local flora and fauna. i actually saw a baby bobcat on the way to the preserve, but wasn't quick enough to catch it with my camera.

then i headed home, but not before discovering an adorable little gluten-free bakery in cocoa.

home, shower, nap. i got up, all refreshed-like, and got ready to go out. agr was playing at the hard rock hotel, out by the pool. so i threw on a sundress, actually did my hair and put on make up, and met up with charissa and ivana. turns out, there was some rum-sponsored party happening out there by the pool, and as such we got two free drinks for the evening, just for showing up. excellent. i got to hang out, listen to some of my favorite musicians, hang out with eric for a bit, and just generally relax and chill. at some point, c decided she wanted to jump in the pool, but she was wearing jeans. we reasoned that if she jumped in with a tank top and underwear, she'd be perfectly acceptable. but she still hemmed and hawed. so i offered to jump in, too. i mean, why not? i had a dress on, so it didn't seem like that big a deal. so we did. because we're ridiculous.

and spent the rest of the time listening to the band whilst in the pool. thoroughly enjoyable day.

Today: A Pictorial in Hipstamatic

i guess i didn't enunciate...

we never got sporks with our school lunches!

umbrella-and-wellies weather

see?

invitation for my pseudo-nephew's birthday party - wish i could be there!

extra $5 i didn't know i owned = menchie's for dinner

a little light reading...

 

variations: rain on the windshield

home pedicure

more reading...

fortune cookie fortune

a little upload-and-connect time

This Week's Discoveries and Being Crafty

• i need a medium sized pot. for no readily explained reason, I have 3 very small pots and 2 ginormous ones. if I want to make, say, mac and cheese, I need to put more water on to boil than fits in the small pot. but I only have to fill up a third of the big one. ah, first-world problems.  

• I discovered half a bottle of aged tawny port in my cupboard I totally forgot I had. luckily, port doesn't go bad as long as its stored in a cool, dark place, so it's still delicious. I have the alcoholic taste of a 70-year-old man, apparently.  

• I got crafty last weekend and made a magnetic board for the make-up I use most often I'm order to get it up off my bathroom counter. bought a black magnetic office board, attached magnetic tape to the back of my make-up, ran two lengths of ribbons around the bottom of the board to fasten my hair clipies to, and voila! I am extraordinarily pleased with it. I kinda want to do this to all the things in my house now...

I Think I'm Too Old for This...

thoughts from the past few days...

• why do i feel like i've been struggling so hard (and constantly) the past 4 years? well, because i have, i suppose, but why is this so hard? why can't i find the right place to be? it never used to be this hard to figure things out. things fell into my lap, or at least drifted across my field of vision, and i took the opportunities as they presented themselves. now it seems to be slim pickings; and what does appear tends to be place-holder or filler positions. i don't understand why it's been nearly impossible for me to be find a full-time position where my talents are needed. or even just a full-time position (preferably with benefits), period. i know it may not be the best option, but seriously, i need to be able to support myself and keep a roof over my head. it's becoming ridiculous.
• i've been ill the past 4 days and haven't been able to keep anything down. well, that's not entirely true. i've eaten a whole banana and some powerade. anyway, my point here is this: after 2 days without food i started having pain and weakness because of the malnutrition. i assume my body is just hypersensitive because of the celiac and the fact that i suffered from malnutrition for almost 3 years, but that's what it is... all the pain and fatigue i experienced was caused by lack of vitamins and protein and things. which made me wonder, how do people who suffer from eating disorders and things do it? because certainly they're afflicted with a lot of the same symptoms i had.  it was nearly impossible to get up in the morning, it hurt to do anything, i could barely walk up a flight of stairs, my mind was stupid-fuzzy all the time... how do you go through that willingly? i get that's it's a mental disorder, but most people with anorexia put on a happy face and act mostly normal outside of their food issues. how do they not fall over all the time? do they just discard the constant pain, because it's really hard to push past that... just a random thought that has nothing to do with anything.
• i'm attempting to start to do something with my penguin stories. i have 4 or 5 of them finished, and they've been sitting around for about 10 years - they need to see the light of day. but broaching the publishing world is a bit overwhelming. do i self publish? i just now (after many years of attempting) got sample sketches of the two main characters. it could take a really long time to get a full book of illustrations out of frank. if i attempt to go with a publisher, do i get an agent? most places generally agree that this speeds the process along. but also, most publishers prefer to use their own illustrators - so do i trust someone i've never met to put an image to my babies? and and all the uber-talented and creative people i know, none of them have anything to do with the publishing industry, so there's no insider help for me. ugh. it's a lot to think about.
• i think - and this is hard to admit - that even though i took myself off medications a while ago (which i still think was the right thing to do), i don't think i'm totally at "fully operational" yet. which i had kidded myself into thinking i was. and may well be part of my problem in moving forward, or not, as the case may be. i don't know how to make myself happier so i can get to a better place, when the constant struggling puts me in an unhappy place. stupid emotional catch 22.
• on a more positive note, i realized that i'm most over the jon relationship trauma. not completely, mind you - that wound runs pretty deep, and unfortunately it seems to make connections with every other relationship i've had/attempted pretty much ever... so it's probably fair to say it's still a work in progress. but the pain is not crippling. it's not even something that enters my thoughts much any more, at least not on a daily basis. so that's good, right? i guess it's possible that it's just because i'm preoccupied with other stresses, but still... it's something. i'll take what i can get right now.
• every time i take a job for the sake of having a job and a paycheck, it does not go well, and it does not last long. and for the record, universe, i get it. i get that i'm not meant to be there, and therefore i'm forced out one way or another. i get it. but if there's nothing better for me at the time, what am i supposed to do? i can't just be unemployed until the perfect opportunity presents itself, unless you also plan to let me or a close friend or family member win the lottery. because otherwise, i need a roof and food and stuff. just saying.
• i do, however, think i'm getting closer to being more connected, like i used to be. i'm not totally there, but i feel more connected to myself than i've been in quite a while, and that's certainly a start. 
• ok, i think i've emptied out some of the extraneous mind junk. that's enough for now...

There Can Be Only One

I borrowed a ridiculous amount of DVDs from Eric - a bunch of tv series with which to occupy my time. (side note: I started with "Eli stone", which I don't think I'd even heard of before, and fell in love with it. it was a brilliant series even though it was only one for two very short seasons.) I am currently watching season 1 of "highlander: the series", which I watched and liked in the early 90's - and oh, how very early 90's it is. the layer of cheese is so thick, it's fantastically valveeta-y. a couple of thoughts, which i will continue to add to as i continue to watch:

• I forgot just how beautiful a man Adrian Paul was. or is. with bone structure like that, I'm sure he's aged really well.
• I learned through imdb that he was actually a dancer and choreographer before coming to the us. which makes sense - he's a graceful man.
• I don't think I actually saw season one - or not to the point I'm at now. I remember the writing and storylines to be fairly decent... but as of now, the writing is... not so much. the directing is super cheesy - overly dramatic music at dramatic moments, long close-up shots on pensive faces before commercial breaks, the whole 9 yards. it's also very clear at the beginning that both Duncan and Connor realize that Ritchie could be an immortal - a fact I never realized; I remember being shocked when he didn't die after he and tess are killed. so I'm thinking I never saw the start.
• oh, the technology! just 20 years ago, and huge brick cell phones - which two whole people own at this time. and the computer systems! or lack thereof. I just watched an episode where a guy actually had photo enhancing software - that took all night to scan and use. and the terminal screen was black with white ms dos scripts running on it. how fantastically primitive it seems because we've come so far so fast.
• I really love Tess as a character. she could easily be weak, but right from the start she's portrayed as strong and resilient, which is cool in a show where most of the strong leads are men. especially for 20 years ago.
• it hurts my head that high school was 20 years ago. EARLY high school, but high school nonetheless.
• a feature of the DVD that absolutely cracks me up is the scene selections for each episode. you can choose from 5 different parts of the episode, OR - if there's an immortal death involved - you can select the "Q" and go straight to the kill shot and the quickening - excellent low-budget electricity fx, for the win!
• oh, the guest stars and their inability to act. vanity, anyone?
• mid-way through season one, and I remember this episode. or parts of it. this may well have been where I came into the series...

Why This Weekend Rocked

it's been a really long time since I've been able to say I had an amazing weekend, start to finish. not that my weekends suck or anything - but I usually work saturday mornings, and don't do much else. there's nothing wrong with that, but for the first time in a really long time i could answer the question "how was your weekend?" with "it was amazing!" (ironically, it was the first time in a really long time that no one actually asked me that question on a monday. go figure.) reasons for extreme fantasticalness are as follows:

• i did not have to work at huntington on saturday morning, which meant no alarm to wake me up. blissful.
• watched some highlander and napped the rest of the day.
• met up with eric at the florida music festival that night. got in for free, too - without any effort on my part. sometimes it pays to be a cute girl.
• ping-ponged the ends of wall street, listened to some good music - and some not-so-good, but such is life - and laughed a lot.
• i was coming off the worst anxiety attack i'd had in years, and wasn't sure how i'd handle the crowd and chaos. turns out that, in general, when eric's around, i'm good. i am so invested in talking and laughing with him in the moment that i don't really notice anything else, so it doesn't bother me. being with him just makes my soul happy.
• sunday i met jen, chris, sandy, and the kidlings for fun at the magic kingdom.
• i love being aunt karen. it is awesome to be loved like that. gray was so excited to see me he bounced up and down and he literally shook with excitement. granted, he also reacts that way to seeing mickey mouse and riding a train, but whatever - i'll take it.
• i miss jen a lot - she really is my "fake sister". luckily her real sister and i get along great too... i have so much fun with both of them.
• chris's cousin and her family joined us half-way through the day - they were excellent people and fun to hang out with.
• left the kingdom around 10, completely exhausted but centered and happy.

My Brain Is Full Again...

after a particularly bad anxiety episode - and I have not had one like that in a very long time - I sometimes find that I drastically want to change my life. I'm not sure if that's just a by-product of all the chemicals in my brain finding their equilibrium, or if I somehow attain some moment of clarity during that mess and I feel I should act on it. and while this seems like a good thing, it often has me wanting to make decisions that I probably shouldn't. just like communism and nuclear energy and a whole host of things that look good on paper, these ideas sound good, but ultimately are not things that will work well with who I am as a person. because right now I'm having two major impulses: one is to get out of Orlando (again) and be somewhere else where I'll be happier (where, I don't know), and to get rid of all my stuff and physically simplify my life as much as possible. on the surface, these seem like plausible, even good, ideas. especially the "stuff" part. I have a lot of crap. an entire 2 bedroom house of stuff, actually. and it's totally time to do some clearing out... but I have a tendency to go overboard when I actually do it. I either try to throw out everything and realize a week or a month later that I shouldn't have, or I get so bogged down that I can't bring myself to get rid of anything at all. and yes, it would totally be cheaper and easier to move into a one bedroom apartment. but I like having adult furniture and having a spare room so guests (and my parents) can stay with me and not have camp put on the couch. and moving is a very questionable option... where would I go? what would I do? I tried that a few years ago and nothing went as planned, and in the end I still owe my parents a bunch of money. I get along with people fairly well but I don't make close friends easily. I already knew Jen and her husband when I moved to Virginia, and it's a good thing since in the nearly 2 years I lived there, they were really the only people I did anything with. I counted my supervisor Joy as a friend, but that pretty much covered it. if I moved somewhere I didn't know anyone, I would be completely isolated. and with me there's a very very fine line between needing an appropriate amount of time to myself and feeling lonely and abandoned. it's stupid, but it's the way I am. and further more, I actually have a job I LIKE getting up in the morning to do, with people - well, most of them - that I enjoy thoroughly. why would I leave that? suffice it to say, I have issues. thanks for letting me ramble on about them pointlessly...

Just So You Know Where I'm Coming From

anxiety disorder is a fickle (and intensely annoying) thing. unlike a lot of people who suffer from it, I don't have specific triggers. it can be anything or - most often - nothing at all; my body just decides to freak the hell out. I do what I can to prevent these this... I keep caffeine out of my diet (or at least to the bare minimum), I try to avoid getting overly stressed, I keep an emergency prescription of Xanax around just in case, etc. most of the time this is enough. when my anxiety level gets too high or I have an attack, usually chilling out and taking half a pill will bring me back to normal. unfortunately not so much this time. my anxiety had been riding a little high for the last couple weeks, but it was nothing I couldn't deal with. I was out of meds, and waiting for a prescription refill from the doctor. (side note: when a doctor denies a refill - for any reason, even if it's routine - either the pharmacy or the doctor really should inform you of this so you know what's going on. just saying.) wednesday night I went into full blown attack mode. fun. put a call in to my doctor's office and left a message to see if I could get in the next day and tried to calm down. music, lights out, breathing exercises, meditation, stretching - nothing helped. finally I dosed myself with more than the recommended dose of Advil pm and tried to make myself unconscious. morning, which came very early, was no better. I still couldn't get myself under control. and at this point it was starting to annoy me as well as concern me. even my worst attacks don't usually last more than 6 hours. and I was still in full panic mode - breathing shallowly, sharp chest pains, super high blood pressure, shaking, keening, the works. called in to work, because there was simply no way I could do detailed painting work like that. unfortunately, I had my drama kids to teach that afternoon, and it was their last class and performance - I had to go. I did my best to control myself, though I think I came off a little mean while we were rehearsing (it doesn't help that they're super spastic all the time anyway). by the time that was over, I was entering hour 20 of a full blown attack and something had to be done. my doctor's office couldn't work me in, and I learned that centracare cannot write scripts for things like Xanax. so I was forced to go to the ER. which is stupid. it's stupid that I have to spend that kind of money for a panic attack, it's stupid to take a spot in line away from someone who might actually be dying (not just feel like it), and well, you get the idea. but it was bad. and I did try to leave after the triage nurse told me it could take 4 hours to
be seen. 4 hours sitting still? to be seen for just anxiety? in a place with actual sick people? my poor spazzed out mind would have had a hundred things to grab on to and freak out about. however, when I tried to take my name off the list and leave, the guy who just came on duty convinced me to wait a few more minutes while he got me worked into the "fast track" area of the ER. I'm pretty sure the crazy eyes and uncontrollable tears made him want to prevent me from getting in a car and driving. in any case, a doctor saw me reletively quickly, gave me a few pills and sent me on my way. I'm much better, but suffering from what I consider an anxiety hangover. and all
that ^ was background for the next entry, so that when I say random things, you know where I'm coming from... sort of. or at least how I got to this mental point.

Dancing Giraffes

this photo makes me laugh, and it reminds me of my favorite headset conversation at FoLK (festival of the lion king, for non-disney people), which happened during "be prepared" ...

show control: giraffe?

me: yes, cheryl?

sc: whatcha doin?

me: fire wand routine.

sc: i see that. (pause) why?

me: well, we're down a girl. and i know the routine. and vicky [the giraffe puppet] is a good dancer.

sc: yes, we are. and yes, you do. and yes, she is. (long pause) giraffe?

me: yes, cheryl?

sc: how did Vicky get a raffia wand in her mouth?

me: savannah animals are very nice. and helpful.

sc: I see. (pause) giraffe?

me: yes, cheryl?

sc: don't ever do fire wand routine when i'm not the stage manager.

me: ok, cheryl!

Random Morning Musings

• i dislike the "in-between sick" feeling when you're just ill enough to feel like absolute crap, but not bad enough to justify staying in bed and shirking all responsibilities.
• a fine layer of roto resin on your skin works almost as well as latex as old age make-up. the problem being of course that it does NOT want to come off. i look like i have dragon skin on my right arm. so not cute.
• i am strong and adaptable; i can deal with almost anything as long as i know what's going on. i am useless if the situation i am in is nebulous and undefined. my mind just goes around in circles forever unless something definitive stops it. meanwhile, i just drive myself crazy. therefore...
• i strongly believe knowing is better than not knowing. always. or almost always - i'm sure there's an exception to this rule out there somewhere... there usually is. but in general (and specifically with me), even the worst things can be dealt with effectively if only i know what i'm dealing with. also, i need closure so my mind can shut up about things, and closure can't happen if i don't know what's going on.
• there is a very fine line for me between something building up and being completely overwhelming. and if i'm overwhelmed, i just shut down and can't deal with it. and this sounds very deep and emotional, but mostly it just applies to stupid things. like my apartment. it's become a bit of a disaster lately - not dirty, just... stuff everywhere, with things strewn about where i've left them instead of where they should be. it sort of crept up on me, and by the time i realized it was getting out of control, well, it was too late. my brain could no longer figure out where to start and therefore relegated it to the "i'll deal with it later" file. but since "later" has no specific date, it'll never get done. luckily i'll be moving in a few months, so i'll fix it then - and hopefully organize myself successfully enough in the new place (wherever that may be) so that this won't happen as easily.
• which is a theory that might work. i am, after all, in a better head space than i was a year and a half ago when i moved back down here. i'm still having moments - a few too many lately, if you ask me; but what can you do? - but my inability to deal with life is directly linked with how i keep my living space. if i can't deal with life, i can't be bothered with my surroundings. i'm ocd enough that germs and ickiness are not tolerated, but everything else? whatever. i'll try to set up my new place like i'm actually expecting people to come over and things...
• although i am occasionally a very social person, i only have a few close friends. i've always been like that - nothing new there. but lately (as i struggle with the loneliness) i'm struggling with that as well. when you only hang out with 3 or 4 people, and their schedules are all different from yours, you don't really get out much. well, i don't anyway. and sometimes i want to go out and be around people and meet people and have lots of friends to hang out with. but you know, not really. people are a lot of work. and being around a lot of random people is exhausting when you're picking up on everyone's energy and emotions, no matter how well you shield yourself. in the end, i'd much rather just hang out with someone i'm completely comfortable with. but that's a short list. and i do add to the list from time to time, but still...
• that circular thought pattern got away from me there, and wandered dangerously close to self-pity. sorry. and i apologize again, because the next thought is a bit self-indulgent as well...
• i am so very tired of being alone and being left behind. i've never been one of those people who needs to be with someone to be happy - and good thing too, given my extremely sparse dating life - and i'm very self-reliant. but you know what? i'd like to not be lonely for a while. or ever. whatever. however...
• while i'm very good at being in a relationship - from my limited experience anyway - i am absolute rubbish at everything leading up that. i have no idea of the standard social norms and protocols for dating or flirting are. everyone else seems to understand these things inherently; i am clueless. i don't understand games or tactics or anything like that. (i think this is why jr. high sucked so badly for me - it's ALL about social tactics and mind games and i had no idea what was going on. ever.) i'm even worse now that i'm afraid to put myself out there again.
• and also there's the fact that i never want things in the abstract. i don't want simply to date anyone. i don't - and can't - just let anyone in to my life. so it's got to be someone that fits. and that narrows down the possibilities to a sliver. that doesn't help. i could easily "not be alone" but that isn't the same as being happy with someone.
• apparently, my head was a bit fuller than i thought. and with weightier things than i thought. ah, well. i suppose it's better to blather on than to leave them stuck in my head.
• you know what i really want? a jelly donut. i've been craving one for the last month or so, something fierce. it's something i just can't find a gluten-free equivalent for. which is extremely sad. jelly donuts are good.
• today is a cure kind of day. "mint car" just came on and pretty much made my day.
• that is all for now. i think.

The Stupid Thing Is That I'm Surprised Every Time

"well, you know how it feels if you begin hoping for something that you want desperately badly; you almost fight against the hope because it is too good to be true; you've been disappointed so often before. that was how digory felt. but it was no good trying to throttle his hope. it might - really, really, it just might be true. so many odd things had happened already." ~c. s. lewis, the magician's nephew

.

Come to the Water

there are a few constant truths in my life, and it always amazes me when I forget them. or, if not forget, then push them to the side. it all makes sense at the time; it's inconvenient, or it'll cost money I don't have, or I don't have a day off, or whatever. but I really should know better by now. I DO know better. sometimes I just make poor choices based on malaise or convenience or just plain laziness. because rule number one is not "the doctor lies", it is "go to the beach". or any shoreline, really - sand does not actually have to be involved. there is something about being in a place that's a crossroads of all the elements - it centers me in a way nothing else does. I may have only been on the beach for a few hours last sunday, reading and sitting and then wandering around, but those few hours rebooted me entirely. things I'd been thinking over and worrying about and meditating on for weeks or months just melted away into clear answers. or maybe not clear answers, exactly, but certainly a calmer acceptance of where I am and how to deal with it. or not deal with it and just be. because apparently being beachside makes me into a yoda-like zen master. at least for a little while. and when wears off and I go back to being anxiety-girl, could you kindly order my excuse-finding ass back to the beach? thanks.

I Love My People

paul, a friend from high school, was in town on a job. he and his his co-pilot - for he flies planes for a private company - were looking for something to do. luckily for them it was a Thursday night; we all know I rarely do anything and am something less than a social butterfly. I am completely out of touch with normal going-out-and-partying type things. but thursdays, I can offer open-mic night. so I did. and I asked some other people to come play, and they did, and I believe a good time was had by all. I know a good time was had by me, anyway.

rob: she's a dancer. she has to do everything with a flourish.
me: but not on purpose. I think I'm just extra ridiculous all the time, and flourishes are the result.
rob: yes, that's exactly it, actually.

eric: she likes nsync AND mylie cyrus? where do you find these people?
me: she's a new friend, I take no responsibility. you can blame rob.

me: (to paul) so not much has changed since high school - all my friends are still fun. and completely ridiculous.

pat: in brazil we are rude and push people and we not care about others.
me: that's an eastern european accent you're using.
pat: in brazil we sound like russian. this is what I learn at my job.

erin: (for the 7th time in as many minutes) but see, I'm married -
eric: is she married?
rob: well, she's married....
me: she really wants us to know this.
eric: or she's trying to convince herself...
rob: that's much more likely.
erin: (who has not heard any of this aside) what? I'm married, and....

me: you should go sing something.
paul: um, no.
me: why? you were IN a band once...
paul: yeah, that was a LONG time ago.
me: I'm sure it's like riding a bike...
paul: yeah, no. it's probably more like flying a plane - if you forget something you don't just fall down, someone could die...

He Has A Point...

me: good lord, i have issues. how do i make it through the day?

john: vodka?

me: no. hmm. maybe that's the problem.

john: obviously.

Mom Does It Again...

text from my mother this morning...

'Had a dream the other night where the 4 of us were on a winding road in the van. Dad fell asleep at the wheel. I took the wheel and kicked his foot off the gas pedal. Mayzie and I was ok, you and dad were thrown from the van. Dad was sliding down the hill so I was hanging on to him. They took you to the hospital with two holes in your left thigh, and all the doctor had to say was, "really Karen, 2 tattoos of sesame street on your leg?"'

for the record, I have no muppets on my person, nor do I ever plan to, no matter how much i may like them. I promise.