I Think I'm Too Old for This...

thoughts from the past few days...

• why do i feel like i've been struggling so hard (and constantly) the past 4 years? well, because i have, i suppose, but why is this so hard? why can't i find the right place to be? it never used to be this hard to figure things out. things fell into my lap, or at least drifted across my field of vision, and i took the opportunities as they presented themselves. now it seems to be slim pickings; and what does appear tends to be place-holder or filler positions. i don't understand why it's been nearly impossible for me to be find a full-time position where my talents are needed. or even just a full-time position (preferably with benefits), period. i know it may not be the best option, but seriously, i need to be able to support myself and keep a roof over my head. it's becoming ridiculous.
• i've been ill the past 4 days and haven't been able to keep anything down. well, that's not entirely true. i've eaten a whole banana and some powerade. anyway, my point here is this: after 2 days without food i started having pain and weakness because of the malnutrition. i assume my body is just hypersensitive because of the celiac and the fact that i suffered from malnutrition for almost 3 years, but that's what it is... all the pain and fatigue i experienced was caused by lack of vitamins and protein and things. which made me wonder, how do people who suffer from eating disorders and things do it? because certainly they're afflicted with a lot of the same symptoms i had.  it was nearly impossible to get up in the morning, it hurt to do anything, i could barely walk up a flight of stairs, my mind was stupid-fuzzy all the time... how do you go through that willingly? i get that's it's a mental disorder, but most people with anorexia put on a happy face and act mostly normal outside of their food issues. how do they not fall over all the time? do they just discard the constant pain, because it's really hard to push past that... just a random thought that has nothing to do with anything.
• i'm attempting to start to do something with my penguin stories. i have 4 or 5 of them finished, and they've been sitting around for about 10 years - they need to see the light of day. but broaching the publishing world is a bit overwhelming. do i self publish? i just now (after many years of attempting) got sample sketches of the two main characters. it could take a really long time to get a full book of illustrations out of frank. if i attempt to go with a publisher, do i get an agent? most places generally agree that this speeds the process along. but also, most publishers prefer to use their own illustrators - so do i trust someone i've never met to put an image to my babies? and and all the uber-talented and creative people i know, none of them have anything to do with the publishing industry, so there's no insider help for me. ugh. it's a lot to think about.
• i think - and this is hard to admit - that even though i took myself off medications a while ago (which i still think was the right thing to do), i don't think i'm totally at "fully operational" yet. which i had kidded myself into thinking i was. and may well be part of my problem in moving forward, or not, as the case may be. i don't know how to make myself happier so i can get to a better place, when the constant struggling puts me in an unhappy place. stupid emotional catch 22.
• on a more positive note, i realized that i'm most over the jon relationship trauma. not completely, mind you - that wound runs pretty deep, and unfortunately it seems to make connections with every other relationship i've had/attempted pretty much ever... so it's probably fair to say it's still a work in progress. but the pain is not crippling. it's not even something that enters my thoughts much any more, at least not on a daily basis. so that's good, right? i guess it's possible that it's just because i'm preoccupied with other stresses, but still... it's something. i'll take what i can get right now.
• every time i take a job for the sake of having a job and a paycheck, it does not go well, and it does not last long. and for the record, universe, i get it. i get that i'm not meant to be there, and therefore i'm forced out one way or another. i get it. but if there's nothing better for me at the time, what am i supposed to do? i can't just be unemployed until the perfect opportunity presents itself, unless you also plan to let me or a close friend or family member win the lottery. because otherwise, i need a roof and food and stuff. just saying.
• i do, however, think i'm getting closer to being more connected, like i used to be. i'm not totally there, but i feel more connected to myself than i've been in quite a while, and that's certainly a start. 
• ok, i think i've emptied out some of the extraneous mind junk. that's enough for now...