FaceBook: Creating a False Reality Since 2004

i met the levins on libby's 5th birthday. they were an amazing family that came to the garden, and i spent the day playing with them in between my shows. rebecca got my email address so she could send me pictures when she developed them and scanned them in. (remember when we had to develop photos?) so we stayed in touch. she let me know when they were in town, and i would come meet them to play. i went on ships for a year, then started teaching, and rebecca and i kept up with each other pretty regularly. when they came down for mickey's not-so-scary halloween party, i met them at mk and hung out all night.

life, of course, gets busy. rebecca has 3 kids, and they were growing up. there were lessons and appointments, and personal family stuff to deal with. i was teaching high school lit and working with the theatre department, so my plate was pretty full too. i moved away for almost two years, moved back... through most of this we had facebook. rebecca and i communicate pretty often on the fb; sometimes it's just comments and captions, but often we're sending letters and pictures, talking about the kids and what's going on in our lives. so much so that i forgot how long it's been since i've seen them in real life - after all, just a few days ago we were "talking". and to paraphrase william goldman, what with one thing and another, 6 years went by. as rebecca said, facebook really creates a false sense of reality about your relationship with people. not that this is really a bad thing - i'm extremely grateful for her friendship and that i'm able to keep up with the girls' cheerleading team and sam's goings-on. the levins took an impromptu trip to the area and luckily we were able to meet up for dinner, and it was like i hung out with rebecca and the girls all the time. which i kinda do. just not in real life...

to put it in perspective:

I Wish My Life WERE Tofu

so, random deep conversations happened last night, sprinkled in amongst the normal ridiculousness and shenanigans. (i will post videos of said shenanigans later. because the dancing? it is amazing.) one of these was about how crappy my life outlook is right now and how i seem unable to change that, as much as i wish i could. "it's ok," bibi said. "you're life's just... tofu right now. just... bland. it happens." but i couldn't agree. life's been tofu before, and while it's not completely fun, it is at least acceptable. but it's not. it's like life's a plate of onions and peppers - it won't kill me or anything, but please take it away because it's going to make me very, very ill. and that's just... sad. really kinda depressing. how do i get out of that? how do i change that? i don't even want to turn it into, say, chicken marsala with garlic mashed potatoes and fresh peas. firstly, i'm pretty sure that's impossible, but even it's not, it's out of reach for now. i'll settle for tofu. tofu would be good. so how do i get there? how do i change my menu?

and now, to lighten the mood and counteract my ick, i present to you "big fish, little fish, cardboard box."

Best Quote of Last Night...

... goes to bibi. we were at universal and city walk last night because andy was in town and celebrating mardi gras (again). while in rising star, a bride-to-be took the stage and while at least she could actually sing, she and her harem drunkenly cavorted and made it very hard not to point and laugh. i commented, "see? this is why i wasn't going to have one of these. we are just not these girls." to which bibi replied, "oh, no, sweetie, i would've thrown you one. but it would've been classy. we would've been in evening gowns and all done up... and there would've been a stripper, but he would be a CLASSY stripper - he would start in tuxedo pants and those little cuffs..."

aaaaaaaaaand this is why we're friends.

I Wish I Were More Like Avril Lavign. Well, Sort Of...

we'll just start this by saying that if you don't see me, or WANT to see me, as a sexual creature - if you're my mom, or rob, who refuses to believe that neither i nor his sister could ever have sex, even though his sister has three kids... ok, i'm digressing a lot, but you see what i'm saying here. part of my ick right now has to do with the way i think about sex, so if you don't care about these things, please read no further.

i am - as we all know - a mess. which lots of people say and mean in various degrees of truth. the thing is, i'm really broken. and i don't know how - or even if - i can be fixed. i still only want one person, although that's impossible and incredibly pointless and rather stupid. i get all this logically, but it doesn't change anything. i'm also incredibly lonely and in desperate need of some male attention and/or company... buuuuuut i don't want a person in the abstract - you see my problem here? it's all very stupid.

i'm just not the sort of person that can do casual sex or even casual relationships. i'd like to, trust me, but it just doesn't work for me. part of it is the empath component. here's the cycle of stupidity that happens in my head: sex is obviously the closest you can physically be to another person, right? and since i'm someone who can physically feel people's energy from some distance, i obviously need to be comfortable with this person and his energy. and if i'm comfortable with his energy, then chances are that i like and respect him. and if i like and respect him, then it's probably someone i could be in a relationship with. it's a natural progression, and let's be honest: i'm a girl. i'm predisposed to emotional connections. so it's not likely that i will be able to just have a physical relationship without it spilling over into the emotional. and right now, i have absolutely NO ability to even CONSIDER an emotional relationship. i want be all, "all my life i've been good but now i'm thinking what the hell?" ala ms. lavign, but the truth is it doesn't work that way in my world. and also i have so many hang ups about disease and pregnancy that "casual" becomes too much work... and so i sit here. alone and lonely and no way to ease it.

ok, enough whining - i just needed to sort through my emotions and why i feel so craptastic right now. end rant.

Wow, How Time Flies When You're a Mess...

the last time i posted was on may 18th - nearly 10 months ago. i'm really not sure what happened, besides the fact that life became to much for me to even comment on any more. which i realize is kind of sad and pathetic, but there you have giraffes. to bring you - and me - up to speed, i'll just bullet point the last year...

• got stuck in virginia till the end of the school year. planned to spend a few weeks with my parents and then move back to florida.
• my grandfather died right as i was moving, and i ended up staying in mo-town for a couple months to help out and things.
• moved to florida at the end of august. stayed with rob for a few months while i attempted to save up money to have my own place.
• started teaching ballroom dance at various schools as an after-school program, and working with a dance studio as an assistant.
• only at the studio one day a week now, still teaching ballroom, will be teaching tap, jazz, and ballet as well. hoping this will continue to pay the bills...
• still a big fat emotional mess. can't always be bothered to get up in the morning. working on this.
• a friend of mine is staying with me for now whilst she sorts out some issues in her life. this is awesome because she rocks and it's nice to have the company - and the pressure to actually care about my home environment. however, it's been a while since i had a roommate, so i have to remember how to be a good one. (rob doesn't exactly count because a. we're very similar; 2. it's like living with family; and also i kinda had my own side of the house.)
• discovered that my medical issues and "fibromyalgia" seems to be, in fact, celiac disease. great that i can control it just with my diet; sucks because gluten is EVERYWHERE and it's become very inconvenient and expensive to eat.
  
  i think that about covers it. i'll try to actually post now. i think it's best if i give myself some sort of outlet, and i haven't in quite a while. we'll see how this goes...

Kindergarten Insight

to be honest, i’m really not cut out to teach little kids. i MUCH prefer my high-schoolers, thank you very much. i do, however, readily admit that little kids can be a great source of amusement. These are some of the things posted on the walls of the kindergarten/first grade pod at one of our “science club” schools.

first, sing with me now: "one of these things is not like the others..."

"oh, one of these things just doesn't belong..."

(“um, i kinda misunderstood the assignment…”)

and i love the reasoning behind their choices. for example, these may seem reasonable and obvious enough:

and then we have these:

simple, honest, and to the point. love it.

Cherry Blossoms, Beavers, Frozen Yogurt, and Wax Figures

rob and i ventured into d.c. friday and saturday to wander about and take part in the cherry blossom festivities. as previously discussed, i sucked at life friday, but i was a bit better on saturday and much fun was had. high points of the weekend included, but were not limited to:

• discovering fro-zen-yo downtown; self-serve frozen yogurt and toppings for a very low price. and YUMMY!!
• fun photos at madame tussaud's
• a boat tour organizational mishap that led to an entertaining cruise around the potomac and anacostia rivers
• walking around the basin and taking pictures of the breathtaking sight that is the circle of cherry blossom trees in full bloom
• discovering ella's wood fire pizza and the deliciousness that was the "verdura" pizza
• meeting paddles the beaver (who reminds us all not to pick the cherry blossoms)
• 

Val and B.B. - A Tale of Two Intoxicating Women

from radio freefall: "the two women in the group... were as different from each other as valium and crystal meth."

i think this is an excellent description of me and charissa; both are very potent drugs, but they work in very different ways. when i sent this to c, she immediately and completely agreed. obviously (if you've ever met us, this will be easy to figure out) she is meth, and i am valium. i think it's part of why we work well as friends - we're opposites in a lot of ways, and we tend to balance each other out. almost immediately my nickname became "val", but meth proved harder to work with. "crystal" or "crys" just don't fit her, and are too close to her actual name anyway. "meth" is a stupid name for a person. c.m. (her actual initials, funnily enough) doesn't work either. so we started looking at street names for it. enter "black beauty" - a nickname for meth and the perfect (and very appropriate) one for her. we're using "b" or "b.b." for short. should i be concerned that a quote about drugs is what inspires our nicknames? i suppose it's just life imitating art, or in our case, art imitating life...

A Great Big Ball of Suck

this is what my life appears to be at the moment. b.b. (c's new nickname - i'll explain later) and i were discussing this today. i'm sick of it. i'm tired of hating life and being terminally depressed. it's exhausting, and it certainly can't be any fun for the people who have to be around me. i assumed that with rob visiting me for spring break, i'd be sufficiently excited and distracted, but not so. don't get me wrong - i love rob and i was very very glad to spend time with him. but i still had to literally force myself to do stuff. i still didn't want to do anything but hide in my bed and sleep. i spent much of friday apologizing for sucking at life (it was a particularly bad day for me), and i'm sure rob was tired of my continual sorry's, but i felt guilty. we should have been talking and laughing and being silly the whole time, and i just couldn't find it in me to do that. it's just ridiculous. i just wanted to spend time with one of my best friends and hang out and have fun, but it was torturous forcing myself to do so.

you know, people really shouldn't be able to screw up each other this way. and that goes all around, i guess. if girls in jon's past hadn't screwed with his head, maybe he would have been able to trust me and what we had, thereby avoiding effing me up royally. and, sadly, i'm really starting to believe that this is something that i'll just have to learn to live with. it's not like i'm ever going to be completely over him or anything - as i've said before, it can only be downhill after "love of your life" so what's the point? - so maybe this is a condition, like the fibro or panic disorder, that i'll just have to cope with. the pain may never go away, but hopefully my tolerance will go up - just like it has with my physical pain - and it'll be easier to live with. hopefully. i don't know. i don't know anything anymore. my world has been completely shattered, and i never knew it was possible for a single person to do that to me. bleagh. i'll stop kvetching now, i guess. i'm done, is all. just done.

What Would Happen If Ray Bradbury, David Bowie, Ayn Rand, and Metallica Got Together and Made a Book

i have started reading radio freefall by matthew jarpe, and really, the title of this blog is the best way i can think to describe it. it's intriguing and interesting, a rock 'n roll take on the future of the human race. it's smart, clever, and funny; it doesn't spoon-feed you, but allows you to connect the dots from our current state of affairs to the book's setting in 2031, giving you enough info to understand what's going on without spelling out everything in tedious exposition. i'm about 100 pages in, and i'm hooked. i'm not entirely sure where everything is going, and that's hard to find - something i love in a story, as long as the ending doesn't suck. if you like any and/or all of the things in the title, i suggest you give a try...