*warning: the following contains lots of feelings (mostly of the sad variety), grief, personal information, and possibly some self indulgence. proceed at your own discretion.*
I can't believe it's been a year. I can't believe I've survived an entire year without you in my life. and I'm very aware how selfish that sounds, but it's the truth. you're one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I was always aware of how lucky I was to have you around. I know you let me in much further than you meant to, but the fact that you didn't push me back out meant everything to me. you almost did, once, and I am forever grateful that you chose not to. I wouldn't have blamed you if you had - after all, it would've been the same struggle i'd have had if it were me. similar creatures, always. I'd never experienced that before; my brain and my soul always seemed to work so differently from everyone else's. I'm not very good with people past the superficial because I don't understand them. and conversely, they don't understand me. I just seem to be wired differently. but then there was you, who not only understood my ramblings but expounded upon them, creating fantastic, intelligent, thought-provoking conversations that helped me make sense of life and the events around me. but just as important was the silliness - the bad jokes, horrible puns, and funny pictures that we constantly sent back and forth. to have someone in my life who operated on the same basic system as me - not identical, of course; we didn't agree on everything, and it'd have been boring if we had - was a first. I'd always been the odd one out, the one who thought completely differently. I'm very lucky I'm both clever and an empath; without both those traits, I'm sure I would have been labeled a sociopath and more or less ostracized in social situations. even with those things, I'm still awkward and odd and uncomfortable. and somehow you never saw that. and I never struggled around you. it seemed that we just had the same oddities, so we made sense to each other. oh, I was still awkward sometimes, but for a totally different reason. I loved that about us together, by the way: it was just the right amount of awkward. too much awkwardness is uncomfortable, and none at all means it doesn't matter. but we were just slightly awkward with each other, just some of the time, and there was such a beauty in it. and in the fact that neither of us backed away from it. we just hung out on the ledge together and bumbled through with perplexed but genuine smiles, until the world smoothed out again and we went back to talking or being silly or whatever we were doing.
it still hurts every single day, and I'm not sure it will ever stop doing that. before you I was alone and apart but I assumed that's just the way it was. I was not made like everyone else, so that feeling of "once-removed" was just something I had to live with. I got used to it. it didn't even bother me any more; it was just a fact of life. but then it seemed I wasn't alone anymore because you were somehow like me. and it's weird and strange to suddenly have to change your world view, to have to stretch it to include someone else when the universe had always seemed to tell you that you were it - that your bubble didn't actually connect to the rest of world's Venn diagram. but we overlapped somehow, and it was amazing to discover. it's not to say I don't have friends or family that love me, because I do, and I love them right back. my parents are amazing, and I have john and jen, my inner circle, who love me no matter how weird I am. but for a brief (way too brief) time, there was someone that loved me for my weirdness and idiosyncrasies, not in spite of them. and furthermore, someone who understood them, as I understood yours. it was a magical thing. and now that you're gone, the aloneness I'd gotten used to and had come to rely on is suddenly extremely painful. because before I only knew the separation. now I know how lovely it is not to be separated - with no way to get that back. and that really really sucks.
you were brilliant and funny and sweet and kind and insanely talented. and didn't seem to really understand how rare and beautiful you were. we knew each other for several years before we became close - you always had protective walls up and I always respected that, though now I suppose I wish I'd been less respectful - but you were always on my radar, long before I even realized it. the word I always used in my head (from the beginning) to describe you was "adorable," which I meant the most literal sense possible. you were adorable in the modern sense as well, of course (and I miss seeing your face and your smile more than I could ever find words for), but I always saw you as someone worthy of being adored. no one deserved it more than you. you held a mirror up to me when I was at my lowest and helped rediscover the parts of me I'd lost or forgotten about. I just seemed to be unable to be stuck in the past when I was with you. I've always sucked at "living in the moment"; I'm always overthinking what just happened or thinking ahead to the next thing. but I was always completely in the present with you. because where else would I possibly ever want to be? you made everyone around you want to be better, to do their best, to up their game. it was something in your presence that just made us want to be the best versions of ourselves for you. it was nothing you ever consciously said or did, just who you were and how you inspired us to be. when you left, you left a huge hole, not just in my heart and in the hearts of those who loved you, but in the universe as a whole. you were such a positive force, even when you didn't think you were, and a light went out with you. it crushes me to think of the amazing music that will never be written, the thoughtful, beautiful lyrics that will never be sung. the incredible adventures and experiences that you'll never get to have, that you deserved to enjoy. all the things we'll never get to talk about, all the places we'll never travel to, all the time I'll never get to spend with you. because I'll never stop wishing I had more time with you. I can only hope that I was able to bring into your life a fraction of the joy and beauty you brought into mine. all of the love, always.
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