Fatal Flaw

John has yelled at me about this - and reprimanded me again recently for a comment I made - but I really have no other explanation. for all my frivolity and randomness and even my romanticism, I am a very practical person. highly logical, albeit in my own way. and yes, I realize it's impossible to make rigid statements when dealing with people because people are individual and changeable. but when every single guy I've ever had a relationship with reacts the exact same way, then something's gotta be up, right? (or attempted a relationship, because, let's be honest, I do bring a lot of harder-to-deal-with things to the table to begin with.) and these are all very different men and really good people. well, ok, one of them was kind of an asshat about things, but generally, awesome people who, after a certain amount of time with me, all do the exact same thing: walk away from me with no explanation, no reason, no good-bye. no excuses, even. just gone. out of my life completely, just like that. and it's not like these guys even had a history of walking out on people. (well, ok, maybe the same aforementioned asshat had some issues. ok, that one I take responsibility for - I should've known better.) anyway, the point is: if every single person reacts the exact same way, and these people are all different, then obviously the fault must lie in me. the evidence points to the apparent fact that something about me must trigger this response. the frustrating thing is I can't fix it because I don't know what it is. and I can't ask anyone, because they're all gone. (well, all but one, but that's a long complicated mess that is currently simple and surfacey and uncomplicated and I'd like to keep it that way.) and the next logical conclusion is that this will continue to happen any time I might try to be with someone. if someone can claim to love me and want to marry me and make a life with me and STILL walk away from me without a word, then... what's funny is that I never went into any relationship - or potential relationship - expecting them to walk away. which seems silly in retrospect, but I guess it didn't occur to me that the same thing would happen over and over.

which brings up another point, and the one that john yelled at me for: I can't keep doing this. I sure as hell can't survive what I went through after jon again. so how can I trust that the next man WON'T run away? clearly I now have abandonment issues; and I can't even consider being with someone until I can let go of that and not expect it. I fully believe that to be successful in a relationship you need to be able to be completely open and completely over what has happened in the past. I won't go into something if I'll be projecting past problems on the current person. it's totally unfair, and as I've been hurt by this in the past, I refuse to do this to anyone else. but how do i let go of what appears to be fact? an obviously repeting pattern that is out of my control? ugh. I hate being broken...

Brief Hiatus From Land

because i've had some serious issues in the last couple of years finding a full-time job - or even several part-time jobs that allow me to keep a roof over my head and eat - i started filling out applications to everything that i was even slightly qualified for. 2 weeks ago i was offered a seasonal youth staff position with norwegian cruise lines... starting tomorrow. the problem with this is that by the time i took 2 or 3 days to make up my mind (do i really want to do this?) it gave me about 8 business days to get things done. i made as many appointments as possibles around my work schedule. the bigger problem was that this week is a holiday week, and most doctor's offices and labs were only open 2 or 2 and a half days. which meant i could get things run, but i can't get the reports until next week. so my ship out date has been pushed out till mid-week or next sunday. i'm a little worried about food and cross-contamination, since i was informed that no special consideration will be made for crew member's dietary restrictions. i guess i'll just have to illegally stash peanut butter and gf crackers in my cabin...

it looks like i might have some good stuff lined up for when i get back in 6 (well, now 5) weeks. if nothing else, it's a break from jobs i don't particularly like and a chance to travel a bit. hopefully, it'll be a good decision and experience. and chances are i won't lose too much sanity in 5 weeks...

UPDATE: yeah, that didn't happen. norwegian was a pain in the ass to deal with, and then i started a job that is kinda awesome, so no ships for me. which is probably for the best, since i really wasn't sure about how my body was going to react, what with the motion sickness and the celiac...

This Song Makes Me Feel Better About Life

also, my friends rock. literally.





(go check them out here. and go buy a cd!)

Oh, You Have Got to be Kidding...

so today was take two on my root canal. the problem is that several other old fillings have been working their way loose and needed to be addressed first. so by the time they've gotten through those, I'm toast. between severe TMJ problems and the stupid anxiety disorder, I can only make it so long. and today the Valium never kicked in. AT ALL. I might as well have had a triple espresso instead of two downers. ridiculous. and, of course, it all adds up to more money I don't have, that I'll have to borrow from my incredibly helpful and understanding parents, which is totally unfair to them. they dont have a spare $4000 to be dropping on my teeth, and besides i still owe them money from the last two failure-ensconced years of my life. ugh. I'm so frustrated. my next appointment isn't until January when I get back from cruising, so hopefully nothing else will fall apart between now and then...

As Long As I Don't Think About it Too Hard... (Too Late)

I'm not anywhere close to even entertaining the possibility of being slightly ready for anything. at all. I'm still a big fat mess. i'm easily a year (or more) from being emotionally stable enough to consider letting someone else in. and i'm pretty sure that even if i can, i'll have a much smaller range of motion, emotionally. not sure there's even much of a point, but i digress.

but he makes me smile and I am appreciative of that. i'm not sure if i'm capable of moving forward - i'm still not completely over my life imploding, i'm very distrustful of my ability to have a relationship without being left, and (clearly) have serious abandonment issues. so there's nowhere to go for me, and no way to know if i'll ever be able to do anything about how i feel. but i'm very thankful that there's someone who gets me, who makes me laugh, and makes me feel a little better about life. and i will enjoy that for as long as i can...

It's just That I Don't Like Pain...

the old metal fillings on my back tooth are breaking down, and the dentist I saw on Saturday decided that the best thing to do is a root canal and put a crown on it. it's not that I'm nervous about the procedure itself - I have 3 fake teeth already - but I'm just dreading the pain that's going to happen in a few hours. so I'm grateful for the Valium he prescribed - I'm gonna need it. never mind the $2000 I have to fork over that I don't have (believe me, that's painful enough), but I have issues: a) I never seem to numb all the way, no matter how much novacaine they shoot into me, so I get to feel my tooth being broken apart. and hear it, which is an added bonus. wonder if they'd let me put my earphones in during the procedure? and then 2) I have tmj issues and my jaw doesn't open very wide on it's own. which means they have to force it open and hold in place with a bite block. that being done for over an hour means severe headaches and migraines for the next week. which all adds up to awesomeness. sigh. good times ahead....

Two Quotes

from Sandra King:

"if you want to find yourself but don't know where to look, search for who you were before you were told to sit down and shut up; there will be your spirit. search for the traits you both admire and abhor; there will be your needs. search for what brings you to life; there will be your heart. search everywhere; there will be Self trying to find it's way home."

"let others in you're in a dark place. no, they won't be able to lift you out of the space you're in, but the light that spills in when you call, "come in," will at least show you which way is the door."

My Awesome Dancers

i love these girls, plain and simple. they're funny, they love to dance, and they work hard (most of the time). this is a routine they'd been working on for only 2 classes at this point; which means when you factor out warm-up time, bathroom/water breaks, and occasional silliness, they'd probably only spent about 60-70 minutes learning and practicing this. which is pretty awesome until it all falls apart. :o) i'm so proud of these kiddos - and hopefully i'll get them doing the full thing later this week...

update: i can't get the video to upload so i'll try to get a video on my phone this week...

Clearly, the Ridiculousness is Hereditary...

my mother: hey, i just saw those photos you posted yesterday. those are some really beautiful pictures of you.

me: thanks, mom!

mom: you know how everyone says you look like me? i had no idea i was so gorgeous...

me: good lord, woman. i'm hanging up on you now...

Turning a Page (I Hope)

the last 2 years have sucked, this we know. and actually, i've been having a really hard time getting my feet under me for the last 3 and half years, several months of love-induced bliss aside. but the last few days have felt... better. after a really horrific and emotional (and shoe-less) birthday, i think i may finally be on an upswing. and it's a solid feeling, too - i'm waking up feeling a teensy bit better about life in general. even my habitual mantra of "i hate life" isn't popping into my head so often. well, here's hoping...

Doing What I Love. Preferably for a Paycheck.

just in case the universe has started listening to me again, and may be in a position to help, i would just like to point out that i do NOT love childcare and/or working for minimum wage, and i DO love working with older kids in the realms of theatre and dance. so, you know, it'd be awesome to actually be able to support myself doing these things. especially since i know i'm good at it and can (and do) make a difference. just throwin' that out there...

A Little Musical Wisdom

You remember there's more than this
There always was and always is
Tend the artist in your charges, you are full invested

Rise up your dead

There's life in the old girl yet

-indigo girls

p.s. do yourself a favor and create a "cowboy mouth" station on pandora. even if you don't know who they are. especially if you don't know. it is a most awesome station... trust me.