Kindergarten Insight

to be honest, i’m really not cut out to teach little kids. i MUCH prefer my high-schoolers, thank you very much. i do, however, readily admit that little kids can be a great source of amusement. These are some of the things posted on the walls of the kindergarten/first grade pod at one of our “science club” schools.

first, sing with me now: "one of these things is not like the others..."

"oh, one of these things just doesn't belong..."

(“um, i kinda misunderstood the assignment…”)

and i love the reasoning behind their choices. for example, these may seem reasonable and obvious enough:

and then we have these:

simple, honest, and to the point. love it.

Cherry Blossoms, Beavers, Frozen Yogurt, and Wax Figures

rob and i ventured into d.c. friday and saturday to wander about and take part in the cherry blossom festivities. as previously discussed, i sucked at life friday, but i was a bit better on saturday and much fun was had. high points of the weekend included, but were not limited to:

• discovering fro-zen-yo downtown; self-serve frozen yogurt and toppings for a very low price. and YUMMY!!
• fun photos at madame tussaud's
• a boat tour organizational mishap that led to an entertaining cruise around the potomac and anacostia rivers
• walking around the basin and taking pictures of the breathtaking sight that is the circle of cherry blossom trees in full bloom
• discovering ella's wood fire pizza and the deliciousness that was the "verdura" pizza
• meeting paddles the beaver (who reminds us all not to pick the cherry blossoms)
• 

Val and B.B. - A Tale of Two Intoxicating Women

from radio freefall: "the two women in the group... were as different from each other as valium and crystal meth."

i think this is an excellent description of me and charissa; both are very potent drugs, but they work in very different ways. when i sent this to c, she immediately and completely agreed. obviously (if you've ever met us, this will be easy to figure out) she is meth, and i am valium. i think it's part of why we work well as friends - we're opposites in a lot of ways, and we tend to balance each other out. almost immediately my nickname became "val", but meth proved harder to work with. "crystal" or "crys" just don't fit her, and are too close to her actual name anyway. "meth" is a stupid name for a person. c.m. (her actual initials, funnily enough) doesn't work either. so we started looking at street names for it. enter "black beauty" - a nickname for meth and the perfect (and very appropriate) one for her. we're using "b" or "b.b." for short. should i be concerned that a quote about drugs is what inspires our nicknames? i suppose it's just life imitating art, or in our case, art imitating life...

A Great Big Ball of Suck

this is what my life appears to be at the moment. b.b. (c's new nickname - i'll explain later) and i were discussing this today. i'm sick of it. i'm tired of hating life and being terminally depressed. it's exhausting, and it certainly can't be any fun for the people who have to be around me. i assumed that with rob visiting me for spring break, i'd be sufficiently excited and distracted, but not so. don't get me wrong - i love rob and i was very very glad to spend time with him. but i still had to literally force myself to do stuff. i still didn't want to do anything but hide in my bed and sleep. i spent much of friday apologizing for sucking at life (it was a particularly bad day for me), and i'm sure rob was tired of my continual sorry's, but i felt guilty. we should have been talking and laughing and being silly the whole time, and i just couldn't find it in me to do that. it's just ridiculous. i just wanted to spend time with one of my best friends and hang out and have fun, but it was torturous forcing myself to do so.

you know, people really shouldn't be able to screw up each other this way. and that goes all around, i guess. if girls in jon's past hadn't screwed with his head, maybe he would have been able to trust me and what we had, thereby avoiding effing me up royally. and, sadly, i'm really starting to believe that this is something that i'll just have to learn to live with. it's not like i'm ever going to be completely over him or anything - as i've said before, it can only be downhill after "love of your life" so what's the point? - so maybe this is a condition, like the fibro or panic disorder, that i'll just have to cope with. the pain may never go away, but hopefully my tolerance will go up - just like it has with my physical pain - and it'll be easier to live with. hopefully. i don't know. i don't know anything anymore. my world has been completely shattered, and i never knew it was possible for a single person to do that to me. bleagh. i'll stop kvetching now, i guess. i'm done, is all. just done.

What Would Happen If Ray Bradbury, David Bowie, Ayn Rand, and Metallica Got Together and Made a Book

i have started reading radio freefall by matthew jarpe, and really, the title of this blog is the best way i can think to describe it. it's intriguing and interesting, a rock 'n roll take on the future of the human race. it's smart, clever, and funny; it doesn't spoon-feed you, but allows you to connect the dots from our current state of affairs to the book's setting in 2031, giving you enough info to understand what's going on without spelling out everything in tedious exposition. i'm about 100 pages in, and i'm hooked. i'm not entirely sure where everything is going, and that's hard to find - something i love in a story, as long as the ending doesn't suck. if you like any and/or all of the things in the title, i suggest you give a try...

Just In Case You Weren't Sure...

john called me last night and shared this story with me. it made me laugh quite a bit...

As I am going on holiday in Key West in a week, I went shopping for a new swim suit. I headed into my local homo clothing store and was browsing, when greeted by a friendly German middle aged salesman. He held up a pair of trunks and with heavy accent said “These are nice. The wee-wee goes here in the front, the bum goes in the back, and everyone is happy.” Thank you, Mr.German Shopkeep for explaining the mystifying logistics of the men’s swim suit. I mean really, I have worn pants before, and I think I can maneuver a square piece of fabric with two leg holes without further instruction.

To Put it in Perspective...

germany says, "heißen sie willkommen zu 1883!"

the UK says, "welcome to 1911!"

france says, "accueillir à 1930!"

canada says, "bienvenue and welcome to 1961!"

australia says, "welcome to 1975!"

look, i get that americans kind of suck when it comes to "political traditions" and change. and i understand that this is a huge change that will take a while to implement. but look around, people. we need this change. unemployment is at a ridiculous level; and more importantly, a lot of people who have jobs (hi, america, my name is karen) only have part-time status - usually at more than one place - or work for a company that can't afford or doesn't offer health care for their employees. and seriously, this is not some crazy new radical idea. it's been in place in other countries - SUCCESSFULLY - for years. decades. even centuries, in some cases. bottom line is it works. and most importantly: PLEASE inform yourself with real facts, figures, and news about this bill. do not watch fox news and call this truth. do the research, find out the actual truth, and then if you still disagree, fine. but do so intelligently, instead of using the latest catch-phrase about what's "really going on" or how evil the supporters of this are.

ok, i'm down, and putting the soapbox away now...

The Impact of an Amazing Teacher

mrs. buchman (pronounced "bookman") was my fifth grade home-room teacher. i also danced at the same studio as her daughter, so i knew who she was before i had her, even though i always viewed her as "teacher" before "friend's mother." mrs. buchman was awesome. she knew how to make boring stuff fun - or at least less boring - knew how to keep us interested, and knew when we needed a break. she loved what she did, and she loved each and every one of us even when we were being difficult. and she "got" us. fifth and sixth grade are extremely tricky years, and i'd never be able to handle teaching those grades full-time. (i know people think i'm crazy for teaching high school, but i think elementary school is way harder to deal with. but i digress. as usual.) anyway, my point here is that mrs. buchman rocked. today, i got a friend request on facebook from "carolyn buchman." it actually took me a second, because of course when you're 11, you don't really think about your teachers having first names. once i realized it was my mrs. buchman i actually got really excited, and flattered that she'd remembered me and found me on facebook and wanted to touch base with me. she's one of the teachers that truly inspired me and made me realize how much a teacher could do for her students - that it wasn't just classwork and bookwork, but that you could teach life lessons and help students learn about themselves. i only hope that a former student of mine will someday feel that way about me.

Better Living Through Chemistry (Whether I Like It Or Not)

i've mentioned before how much i hate being dependent on meds, so i won't go into to that again. apparently the big ball of suck that is my current state of life is taking its toll on my body. i've started having chest pains, trouble breathing, and cluster headaches. i live with panic disorder; it runs in my family. and i understand that these things are textbook symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks, but it's never manifested this way in me before. i was also getting all ragey and angry, and that's not something i've ever done, no matter what level of anxiety or depression i've been at. so i went to the doctor, just to make sure there wasn't anything seriously wrong. after checking me out thoroughly and talking to me, she agreed that it was probably just anxiety in super-strength form. so she prescribed me some xanax to "take off the edge". i used to always have an emergency stash around in case i needed it - i think i went through 30 pills in about a year. because i hate drug reliance, i used it only when i couldn't function. but i've been out of the stash for a long long time (because thankfully i haven't needed to refill). so i had to start taking 2 to 4 half-pills a day just to keep functioning, which is more than i've ever taken before. i only had to take one half-pill yesterday, but then it was a lazy, gorgeous saturday that included a massage and a cupcake, so i expect that rage and pain will return when i have to deal with kids and parents and my assistant. so we'll see. surely the suck has to stop soon, or at least lessen...

Thank You For Being a Friend...

conversation with a 6-year-old last friday:

child: i'm going to oma's [his grandmother] this weekend!
me: cool! what are you going to do there?
child: oh, i usually chase the cats. but there's just one now.
me: yeah? what's its name?
child: blanche. she's still alive! the other one died, though. she was old.
me: what was her name?
child: rose.
me: [stifling laughter] of course it was. did she have another cat named dorothy?
child: nope. [pause while he tilts his head at me.] but she has a dog named dorothy!
me: [breaking into giggles] of COURSE she does! have fun with 'the girls'!

hilarious....

Quote of the Day

via amy, who is an elementary music teacher:

from kindergarten... upon hearing that we'd be singing/ reading the book "Puff the Magic Dragon" again, little girl says to her neighbor... Puff the Magic Dragon! That's my JAM!

pure awesomeness.

Apparently My Fortune Cookie Wants Me To Be a Vegas Showgirl

fortune cookie say: "do not lose sight of your childhood dreams."

(true story: my mother's reaction to learning that her 5-year-old wanted to be a vegas showgirl went like this... mom: why is that? me: because i'd get to dance all day and wear sparkly costumes. mom: um, ok... i really can't argue with that. one of the many reasons why my mother rocks...)

I Am an EXCELLENT Influence!

my mom came to visit me this weekend (something that was very much appreciated given my current state of being), and we did a little bit of shopping. we headed to the outlets because mom was on a quest to find water-proof boots that she could use when slogging down the driveway and digging the car out and things. we went to a few places, checked out different types of shoes, and i opened her eyes to the simple irrefutable truth that cute shoes (and cute underwear too, actually) can make any icky day a little bit brighter. so mom went home with black and white houndstooth patterned rain boots, two very cute pairs of chucks, some sparkly sandals, and two pairs of fun flats. MAN, i'm good... spreading joy through fun footwear - that should be my new motto! hmmmmm...

addendum: since john is apparently "internetally challenged," he asked me to add his comments below:

A. You should never let driveway slogging dictate your choice of footwear.

B. Chucks?? Awesome. I love you both just a little bit more.

I Can't Even BEGIN To Interpret This...

there were a lot of bizarre situations in my dreams last night, including (but not limited to) me playing tennis - something i haven't done since high school, and then not competitively or even seriously - and winning large amounts loose jewels (mostly emeralds, sapphires, and rubies) for said tennis playing, dancing on the beach and tossing some of the aforementioned stones into the water, and dressing up as a vegas showgirl for a photo shoot. all this pales in comparison to the oddest and most inexplicable part of the dream. normally, it's pretty easy for me to figure out what's going on in my dreams; i can connect them to events or emotions in my life, or things i've recently seen or heard. but this... i got nothing. SO random. and so oddly specific. here it is:

i was wandering through the woods taking photos, and then decided to head back to my car. when i was almost there, a policeman/security officer type person in a dark uniform rode up on the back of a clydesdale stallion (although i referred to it as a lippizaner), holding a golden retriever puppy. (only he wasn't really puppy, he was just young, about 2 years old. see? oddly specific.) the retriever started singing the first line to queen's "somebody to love" and the horse joined in on the word "love." then the horse repeated the line. i took a picture of them as they trotted past, and was very impressed with the animals' singing voices, though disappointed that they didn't know more of the song.

yep. and i didn't even eat anything before bedtime, so i have no idea where any of that came from. anyone got any ideas? 'cause i've got nothing...

My New Philosophy

i am pretty much much wiped out as a human being right now. i'm so hurt and torn apart that i just have nothing left. and i'm trying to put one foot in front of the other - baby steps for right now - so i can start the healing process. so my new philosophy is this: once i get to a place where i don't have to literally wade through two feet of snow in order to get to my car, i plan to wear ridiculous shoes whenever i go out somewhere. to lunch, to run errands (as long as i won't be on my feet for hours), whatever. because ridiculous shoes make me happy. and if i'm wearing ridiculous shoes, it's impossible to be absolutely completely miserable. and if i'm not completely miserable, then there's still hope right? so that's my new therapy plan, to put one fabulously shoed* foot in front of the other until i find myself in a better place. to that end, i welcomed three new pairs into the fold, courtesy of dsw's sales and my tax return.

and of course, there are all the shoes i already own that fit the required parameters....

and of course these. (well, not the first ones so much, but the others all qualify.) and these...

and THAT'S my new philosophy!

*yes, i know the correct term is "shod," but i just don't think it sounds as good as "shoed."

Pointless Self-Indulgent Pity

i don't, as a rule, enjoy feeling sorry for myself. most of the time i just put on my big girl panties and deal with life, because really - what else is there to do? but i'm wallowing a little right now, and it's very irritating. so what i'm going to do is this: i'm going to get it all out in one (albeit long) sentence, and then i will go back to trying to pick up the pieces of my life. okay, here we go...

i hate pretty much everything about my life at this moment; i'm alone, snowed in to my apartment, in virginia, my flight was cancelled so i'm missing juliana's wedding (in t-minus 31 minutes), i'm very sick, and my heart is aching for a man who has not spoken to me in over three months and who i quite inexplicably still want to spend my life with. did i mention my head is exploding?

okay, stupid self-involved moment over. i hope. (and yes, technically that was two sentences. whatever. my blog, my rules, right?)

**update: add to that the fact the power went out for many hours, making it very cold... oi.

Well, Apparently The Answer Is "You Don't" When It Involves Me...

went and saw cowboy mouth this weekend with kristin and her sister... and i promise to detail the as-per-usual kick-ass-iness of the show at a later date, but i just needed to share some of these lyrics as they keep going 'round my head.

how do you tell someone (you don't love them)

Michael says don't shout at me like I was born a fool
You speak of love and scream of love now dare to treat me cruel
Nothings fair in love and war, so please lets make some rules,
There's a little boy who's cryin' over here

Did you ever know me, I swear that I have tried
did you ever need me, I feel like I just died
Did you ever want me, I swear that I have tried
How do you tell someone you don't love them
How do you tell someone you don't care anymore
How do you tell someone you don't love them anymore

Tina says I wish that I had never seen you smile
your name is written on my soul in alphabetic file
all I've got's my dignity, so I will leave in style
there's a million of us crying over here

everytime I talk to you there's no one listening
everytime I reach for you there's no one there
everywhere I look for you there's no one to be found

if you'd like to listen to the song (it's a great song) click here.

I Call the Back Seat!

so, i just had a realization this weekend that kinda threw me a little. it's been 2 years since we lost mikey, almost 2 since we lost roy, and nearly six (six!) years since we lost jefe and jamie. i suppose losing 4 co-workers (or former co-workers) in the space of 4 or 5 years doesn't seem that huge in the scheme of things, especially in a company as large as disney. but it's different in entertainment. co-workers are not just that; they're your family. love them or hate them, you spend a lot of your time with them, and they touch your life one way or another. in this case, all four wonderful men left far before their time should have been up. and they have definitely left their mark on all of us that were lucky enough to have known them. hope it's going well up there, guys - and i call back seat on the roy bus when i get there! (scoot over, mikey, you can totally share...)

Rough Day

i'm having a bad day emotionally. i mean, upping my medication has helped, but that doesn't actually solve anything, nor does it change the fact that i am grieving. and i haven't cried in like 4 days, so i suppose i was about due. it didn't help that the sermon in church this morning was all about marriage and parenthood - two things i thought were in my immediate future, but clearly aren't now. and it's just been a down day since. my mom bought me a stuffed talking dugg from the movie up (hi there! i have just met you and already i love you. ooh! a ball! a ball!) so that helped a little. i also bought severely awesome shoes - that are completely ridiculous - to wear to juliana's wedding in two weeks. i'm so happy for her, and i want to be there to support her, but i assume i'm going to have a sad, weepy moment or two. enter the shoes. they are so ridiculous that all i'll have to do is look down at my feet and smile. (we'll see if that works.) bleagh. i hate being icky. maybe i'll put my shoes on and walk around the apartment a little...

i mean, really... hot pink, stiletto heel, rhinestone buckles, froufy organza pieces that fluff when i walk - for $32. behold the epic awesomeness...

"Legs Time! Everybody Get Your Legs!"

"elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only."

so go the midnight ramblings of the mild-mannered adam. his wife karen has started recording his randomness and sharing with the world. it is absolutely HYSTERICAL and you should go check out their site. "do you like what you see? well, bloody look harder. strain your eyes!"

Total Sensory Deprivation and Back-up Drugs

well, not exactly, but still... if you know me, you know i hate (hate, hate, hate, HATE) being chemically dependent. i despise taking any medicine at all, but i acknowledge that sometimes it has to be done in order to re-boot my system, or to kick-start it into healing. the fact that the stupidity being termed by my doctors as "fibromayalgia" makes it impossible to live without some sort of medication is highly irritating. but the truth is i was completely non-functioning at the onset (those of you that had to put up with me/helped me through this time understand how bad it was) and i couldn't do my job or, well, anything, so something had to be done. same with the panic disorder - occasionally that gets out of hand, and i have no choice. eventually i managed to wean myself off everything but the zoloft (doing double duty, since it also helps with the panic disorder) and tylenol pm or benedryl to go to sleep at night. this is not really the best decision due to the crazy stupid amounts of chronic pain, but i deal the best that i can. i know what (most of) my limits are and i try to keep myself working.

but once again i'm a mess, for mostly totally different reasons. it got to the point that i was (am) sleeping 12-14 hours a day - and not because my body's exhausted and shutting down, like with the fibro, but simply because i can't bear to be conscious any more than necessary. it's just so much easier to deal with the world if i'm asleep. yes, i know this is avoidance and ridiculous, but that doesn't change the fact that i got to the lowest point i've ever been. i truly hit my emotional bottom, and again something had to be done. so when i went to the doctor's on friday (p.s. my cholesterol has gone down 20 points, so no meds for that, thank goodness), we discussed. she put me on something for the restless leg syndrome, which has gotten way worse lately (i'm sleeping all the time, but it's not good sleep, so i'm getting more pain when i'm awake), emergency ambien for the bad nights, and she upped my zoloft from 100 mg to 150. i'm having minor side effects, but nothing horrible. i feel a little weird, slight dull headaches, nausea after i take the requip (rls med), but overall, i can deal. my body seems to be adjusting pretty well and fairly quickly. the hardest to deal with is the increased mental alertness - i know that sounds silly, but suddenly i need to be doing a lot of things, only i really don't have anything to do. i'm up, i'm alert, i'm awake, but i don't really want to be. it's going to take some adjustment to get my "what i feel like doing" to line up with "what my body's ready for." because my body's ready to go, but i really just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. only i can't, because i've got too much energy. ah, well. some day i'll be able to pull my emotional state up. hopefully being "up" physically will eventually force my spirits there as well. we'll see. but that's the update for now....

Kicking at the Darkness

in an effort to gain some ground on the darkness that is infiltrating my life, i've started a new blog. my goal is to find (at least) one thing every day that makes it worth getting out of bed that morning. so far, so good.... we'll see if this helps.

"till it bleeds daylight"

Drowned

tim minchin is my new current obsession... he's brilliant and funny and talented - not a combination you find very often anymore. i've been listening and watching and downloading everything i can find; i stumbled across this and the beauty (and the fact that it cuts close) brought tears to my eyes. (this is just the audio - and a random still... but worth listening to.)

Refocusing

this year has been one of extreme highs and equally extreme lows, amid general suckiness. the high points being finally (after almost 6 years of bad timing and false starts) getting to start a romance with the love of my life, becoming engaged, and starting to plan a life together. the low bits being pretty much every moment after he began to suddenly freak out about the whole thing and then stopped talking to me altogether. i won't go into it (you can go and read past blog entries if you really want to hear about the soul-crushing heartache) but suffice it to say that this has pretty much destroyed me. since the pain is not magically going to go away (and probably not ever - i mean it's gotta be all downhill after "love of your life," right?) i've decided not to even try. instead, i'm refocusing - shifting to outside of me. i'm stuck inside my head - and trust me, it sucks in here right now - and i need out. so i'm going to focus on my passions (theatre, teaching, and travel) and helping others.

clearly i need out of here, so the first step is moving. i figure i'll probably end up in central florida since i have some seriously awesome friends there, and i know the area. plus, that puts me in a position to help mikki with CN4C and lets me volunteer at the give kids the world village. i really wish there was some way i could convince the powers-that-be at GKTW to create a full-time photography position (with benefits, preferably) for me. however, since that's probably not going to happen, the first order of business is finding a job. that's where you come in. anybody have any leads on a job, at least temporarily? because of the fibro, i can't stand for long periods of time or lift, well, anything really, so keep that in mind. i'm working on getting my certification back so that i can at least sub while looking for other teaching jobs. so... help? any suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated. i need out of here, and as soon as possible, so that i can start focusing on yakking up sunshine and rainbows and making the world a better place and crap, and stop focusing on my own pain. thanks!

Yep, This Is My New Theme Song...

(courtesy of jonathan vick.)

Worst. Attack. Ever.

on monday, the day i before i left the relative comfort of south florida to return to the frozen tundra of the north, i went to work with john. it's more entertaining than sitting by myself in his apartment all day, and i can think of worse things to do than be surrounded by books all day. there were errands to be run first, one of which was stopping at starbucks. this was the 28th - voodoo day - so we had to do something indulgent like getting obscenely over-priced (and in this case slightly burnt) coffee. i ordered a venti iced soy decaf caramel macchiato (man that sounds pretentious) and was enjoying it till about 4 hours later, when it suddenly became clear that though i ordered decaf, and i heard the cashier tell the guy making my drink that it was decaf, it was most decidedly NOT decaf.

i cannot have caffeine. this is not me being picky, or wanting to go to bed early; i really can't have much caffeine at all. when i have a really bad headache and need a little caffeine to help kick it, i can't have more than one-third of a 16 oz. can of coke. even that will make it hard to sleep that night, but more than that will trigger my anxiety. and when you live with panic disorder (thanks, mom's side of the family, for that) you do whatever you can to avoid that. if you've never had a panic attack - and thank the stars if you haven't - then it's almost impossible to describe what one's like. you really have no control over it - your body is betraying you, and nothing you try (like slow, deep breaths, or "keeping calm," or anything else) will help. suffice it to say that when you've been relatively caffeine-free for about 10 years, three double shots of espresso is NOT a good thing.

i started feeling anxious and jittery. i drank copious amounts of water. i walked down to the end of the plaza and got a smoothie, because water and fruit both help to cleanse the system, and the caffeine needed to get out. this did not help. i gathered up my stuff and went outside to start walking. i got about half-way around the complex before i started crying. lovely. if you've never cried for no reason before, i don't recommend it. just like the hyperventilating and the racing heart beat, it's something you can't control. i start walking around the back of the building and the uncontrollable sobbing starts. awesome. the thing about anxiety attacks is that they trigger emotional responses. since pretty much all of my emotions in the last couple of months have been negative (hurt, loss, heart-break, etc.), i spent 2 hours sitting in the same spot, half-way up the stairs at the back of the movie theatre sobbing and rocking like a crazy homeless person. just how i wanted to spend the evening. eventually john closed the store and came around to collect me so we could head home. all told, the attack was almost 5 hours long, which is just insane. i've never had one that bad before, ever; not even during my onset. just ridiculous. so thank you, stupid starbucks barista, for not paying attention and thoroughly ruining my day. (and the next two, because it takes a while for the "anxiety hangover" to wear off...)