Better Living Through Chemistry (Whether I Like It Or Not)

i've mentioned before how much i hate being dependent on meds, so i won't go into to that again. apparently the big ball of suck that is my current state of life is taking its toll on my body. i've started having chest pains, trouble breathing, and cluster headaches. i live with panic disorder; it runs in my family. and i understand that these things are textbook symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks, but it's never manifested this way in me before. i was also getting all ragey and angry, and that's not something i've ever done, no matter what level of anxiety or depression i've been at. so i went to the doctor, just to make sure there wasn't anything seriously wrong. after checking me out thoroughly and talking to me, she agreed that it was probably just anxiety in super-strength form. so she prescribed me some xanax to "take off the edge". i used to always have an emergency stash around in case i needed it - i think i went through 30 pills in about a year. because i hate drug reliance, i used it only when i couldn't function. but i've been out of the stash for a long long time (because thankfully i haven't needed to refill). so i had to start taking 2 to 4 half-pills a day just to keep functioning, which is more than i've ever taken before. i only had to take one half-pill yesterday, but then it was a lazy, gorgeous saturday that included a massage and a cupcake, so i expect that rage and pain will return when i have to deal with kids and parents and my assistant. so we'll see. surely the suck has to stop soon, or at least lessen...