Worst. Attack. Ever.

on monday, the day i before i left the relative comfort of south florida to return to the frozen tundra of the north, i went to work with john. it's more entertaining than sitting by myself in his apartment all day, and i can think of worse things to do than be surrounded by books all day. there were errands to be run first, one of which was stopping at starbucks. this was the 28th - voodoo day - so we had to do something indulgent like getting obscenely over-priced (and in this case slightly burnt) coffee. i ordered a venti iced soy decaf caramel macchiato (man that sounds pretentious) and was enjoying it till about 4 hours later, when it suddenly became clear that though i ordered decaf, and i heard the cashier tell the guy making my drink that it was decaf, it was most decidedly NOT decaf.

i cannot have caffeine. this is not me being picky, or wanting to go to bed early; i really can't have much caffeine at all. when i have a really bad headache and need a little caffeine to help kick it, i can't have more than one-third of a 16 oz. can of coke. even that will make it hard to sleep that night, but more than that will trigger my anxiety. and when you live with panic disorder (thanks, mom's side of the family, for that) you do whatever you can to avoid that. if you've never had a panic attack - and thank the stars if you haven't - then it's almost impossible to describe what one's like. you really have no control over it - your body is betraying you, and nothing you try (like slow, deep breaths, or "keeping calm," or anything else) will help. suffice it to say that when you've been relatively caffeine-free for about 10 years, three double shots of espresso is NOT a good thing.

i started feeling anxious and jittery. i drank copious amounts of water. i walked down to the end of the plaza and got a smoothie, because water and fruit both help to cleanse the system, and the caffeine needed to get out. this did not help. i gathered up my stuff and went outside to start walking. i got about half-way around the complex before i started crying. lovely. if you've never cried for no reason before, i don't recommend it. just like the hyperventilating and the racing heart beat, it's something you can't control. i start walking around the back of the building and the uncontrollable sobbing starts. awesome. the thing about anxiety attacks is that they trigger emotional responses. since pretty much all of my emotions in the last couple of months have been negative (hurt, loss, heart-break, etc.), i spent 2 hours sitting in the same spot, half-way up the stairs at the back of the movie theatre sobbing and rocking like a crazy homeless person. just how i wanted to spend the evening. eventually john closed the store and came around to collect me so we could head home. all told, the attack was almost 5 hours long, which is just insane. i've never had one that bad before, ever; not even during my onset. just ridiculous. so thank you, stupid starbucks barista, for not paying attention and thoroughly ruining my day. (and the next two, because it takes a while for the "anxiety hangover" to wear off...)