Is It Wrong To Hope for Something Bad?

i've been mysteriously ill for a year and a half now. fatigue, pain, blahdi, blahdi, blah, and it's still not fixed.  it's been labeled "fibromyalgia" (and we all know how i feel about that title), but it wasn't ever a clear diagnosis, since i had other issues that didn't fit into that mold. it's not leukemia, it's not my thyroid, and no, it's not lupus. a week or so ago, i had the worst spot (and yes, it was just a spot, on my left shoulder) of sunburn i think i've ever had. so i went to the urgent care place to see if there was anything i could do for the pain.  while taking the routine vitals, the doctor says, "you know you have a heart murmur, right?" clearly assuming i DID know.  which i didn't.  so i found a regular doctor, saw her on friday, and she concurred that there was a murmur.  when you add that to all the other things that are wrong with me, my heart becomes suspect.

today, i went in for an echocardiogram (which is basically an ultrasound of your heart).  i should find out within a week what's what.  and of course i don't want my heart to have a severe problem - it's my heart, and i kinda need it to, you know, survive and stuff.  but a part of me hopes that it is; that there's something there so they can finally say, "there! that's why you're broken!" and then we can take steps to fix me.  it seems morbid to hope for the worst, but really, feeling this way is getting really old...