Is It Wrong To Hope for Something Bad?

i've been mysteriously ill for a year and a half now. fatigue, pain, blahdi, blahdi, blah, and it's still not fixed.  it's been labeled "fibromyalgia" (and we all know how i feel about that title), but it wasn't ever a clear diagnosis, since i had other issues that didn't fit into that mold. it's not leukemia, it's not my thyroid, and no, it's not lupus. a week or so ago, i had the worst spot (and yes, it was just a spot, on my left shoulder) of sunburn i think i've ever had. so i went to the urgent care place to see if there was anything i could do for the pain.  while taking the routine vitals, the doctor says, "you know you have a heart murmur, right?" clearly assuming i DID know.  which i didn't.  so i found a regular doctor, saw her on friday, and she concurred that there was a murmur.  when you add that to all the other things that are wrong with me, my heart becomes suspect.

today, i went in for an echocardiogram (which is basically an ultrasound of your heart).  i should find out within a week what's what.  and of course i don't want my heart to have a severe problem - it's my heart, and i kinda need it to, you know, survive and stuff.  but a part of me hopes that it is; that there's something there so they can finally say, "there! that's why you're broken!" and then we can take steps to fix me.  it seems morbid to hope for the worst, but really, feeling this way is getting really old...

WTF - A List

look, i'm a pretty go-with-it kind of a chick.  i understand that life requires highs and lows, flows and ebbs, and i do my best to enjoy or survive these things.  but seriously?  this is getting RIDICULOUS.  rather than ranting, i'm simply going to list the plethora of stupidity that has happened in the past year and a half or so.  i'm not sure what i did to piss off the universe - because really, i thought the 'verse and i were pretty buddy-buddy, but apparently i was wrong - but i wish i could fix it. so... a list:

1. start of mysterious illness (9/07)

2. mysterious illness worsens to the point that i'm unable to work and teach the way i want to, and the way my kids deserve

3. doctor after doctor after doctor until i'm a pincushion and still no diagnosis

4. i'm so ill that i fall behind on my teacher licensing, which needed to be done by the end of the school year

5. licensing got delayed, and i got caught in budget cuts

6. tried my best working part time, but couldn't make ends meet

7. no insurance now, and worsening symptoms

8. offered a job out of state, went in debt to move

9. get cut from that job, and i have a $1250 a month to pay in rent - oh, and still in debt

10. get scorched and end up with a festering cesspool of blisters for a shoulder.

11. and.... wait for it... while at the doctor's for the blistering shoulder, he discovers that i have a heart murmur.

yep, because being jobless in a town where i hang out with exactly one person (well, one and a half, i guess), have exorbitant rent and a few thousand dollars in debt, and a medical condition with no know cause or cure just isn't enough.  let's add a heart murmur to the mix. and because my mother occasionally reads this blog, i can't swear as much as i would really, really, really like to, so i'll just leave it at what the hell?!? aaaaarrrgh!!!

The Only Time Snoring (and Drooling) Is Cute

i went over to jen's the other day; i took with me the plethora of crafting supplies i own, to help her put together a project for her sister's birthday.  we were in the sunroom, stuff spread out on the floor, the boy playing next to us with his jungle playset thingie.  after awhile, gray decided he wanted to play with our stuff instead, and did not take it well that we kept moving things like scissors and stamp pads out of his reach.  to appease him, i put him on my lap and began trying to distract him with random toys, so his mommy could work.  he was playing with his blue elephant when he leaned to the side and passed out cold, 60 to 0 in 5 seconds flat.  he's got a bit of a cold, so he's a bit snuffly when breathing - despite this fact, he had crashed face-down into my sleeve, and wouldn't be moved. so i had an armful of cute, snoring, 8-month-old baby while the two of us giggled at him.  too precious. :o)

But What Am I Going To Wear?

i'm not sure if the following story makes a statement about the kind of person i am, that c is, or about our friendship in general... (possibly all of the above.)

c called me earlier this evening and said, "ok, so just be aware, you and i are going to slovakia.  possibly soon."  my first question was, "when are we going?" the second, "what's the weather like?" which naturally led to, "what should i pack?" and then, "how am i affording this?" not until about 8 or 9 on the question list did i finally come up with "wait, WHY are we going to slovakia?"  nope, didn't even crack the top 5 in the List of Pertinent Information about taking a trip half-way around the world to places i've never been and don't speak even the slightest bit of the language. 

i have priorities, it just seems as though they're in a slightly different order from the rest of the world...

Just Hand Me the Green Sippy Cup And No One Gets Hurt

this past weekend i went to orlando for a little r & r, some bnl, and a few other initials. the flight i found took me up to nyc before heading down to florida - because clearly, it's cheaper to take 2 flights instead of one and head north before going south - but should have been fairly easy. flight at 12:50, an hour layover at jfk, then into orlando at 5:40. yeah, i should know better. i found bwi, parked out in the long-term lot, and made it to my flight on time. i boarded the plane and we started toward the runway. then we sat there. and sat there. finally the captain came on, appologized, and explained that jfk was "regulating the volume of planes in and out of the airport," and we'd be sitting on the tarmac for another 50 minutes till we were cleared to leave. fantastic. then later in the flight, we were instructed to go into a holding pattern over atlantic city. when we finally touched down, and i made my way to the terminal (just 2 minutes before my next flight was scheduled to leave), i found out that it had actually left early. lovely. ok, no problem, just have to find the next flight. which wasn't till 8:30 that night. it was the only other flight from jfk to mco. so eventually they found me a flight to boston, which then connected with a flight to orlando. fine. then the flight to boston was delayed. when i got to boston, i had to switch airlines, and therefore terminals. wonderful. seriously, i must have walked over a mile - and quickly - to get to the delta flight. there were no trams, so i had to hoof it through corridor after corridor, down an escalator, and to another terminal, where i had to go through security again. at this point, it's 7:05 and my flight is set to leave at 7:20. and of course they have to look through my bag. "i'm never making my flight," i said wearily to the nice man who had to shake down my luggage. "what time?" he asked. i told him. "no problem, just head down that escalator and it'll be straight ahead. good! down the escalator, check. then.... not so much. three more long corridors (two of which had people-movers that were broken) up another escalator, then down to the end of the terminal to get to the gate. i was the next to last person to get on before the aircraft doors were shut. luckily we had an extremely entertaining old queen of a flight attendant that made me laugh. plus, my card wouldn't go through when i tried to pay for a fruit and cheese tray (i hadn't been able to eat since noon-ish), so he gave it to me for free. when i finally got to orlando, and finally got to rob's car, he handed me a green sippy cup (well, a sports bottle) full of gentleman jack and coke. and that, dear reader, is a good friend.

"Thank God You're There, I Can Shut Up Now."

on tuesday, i was sent out on an errand to our accountants' office. i had to google map it, of course, since i only have a working knowlege of direction in an 5 mile radius from my home. i had to map it twice since it automatically sent me on I-95, and that is not a motorway i care to attempt at 9 in the morning. i set out, 2 different sets of directions in hand. i decided to go the "long way" (read: not I-95) and was doing pretty well until some asshat decided to drive into me leaving me with two options: collide with the idiot and likely (as we were going 60 mph) end up in a hospital or a morgue, or jerk the wheel hard to the right and take an exit for some random state highway. clearly, i chose to live, however i now had a problem. i was not on either of my projected paths, and while it would seem like an easy thing just to turn around and get back on the other road, yeah, that wasn't an option - there was no apparent entrance from this road. i was in springfield, which i'd been in a few times, but i had no CLUE how to get from where i was to where i was going. so i called my personal gps system - my mother.

if mom is in her office, she's generally at the computer, which means she can look up addresses and directions and what-not for me. luckily, she was, so she did. unluckily, however, my phone took this moment to die - and my charger cord was mysteriously not in the car anywhere. now i couldn't even call the office itself for directions. i was now officially lost. and late. fan-figgin-tastic. eventually, i found my way to 395, miraculously chose the right direction, and got to where i was going. but i was done. i stopped on the way home to buy a gps.

i went to best buy. when the guy in the area came up to ask me what i needed, i said, "i'm tired of getting lost in this stupid area and i need a gps. preferable a tomtom. here, this one is good." "don't you want to look at some of the others?" "nope, just give me this one, it's fine." "well, ok, if you know what you want..." 15 minutes later, i had my gps. the next day at work, i downloaded an "optional voice" for the tomtom - eddie izzard. this is by far the best 5 pounds i have ever spent. or probably ever will. some of the directions are straight-forward, of course, but others.... on the way home last night i was told, "bear left, monkey right," "go straight on, you fool!" and then to "take the second left" in his sexie voice. today, when i chose not to take the route it set up for me, eddie yelled, "turn around straight away! and stop pissing about!"

brilliant. no more getting lost, and eddie tells me where to go. i'm pretty sure this is going to stop me from wanting to kill people the next time i'm stuck in traffic.

What, What, WHAT??

c has just informed me - and i went to the website to confirm it - that steven page is "parting company" with the rest of the barenaked ladies. i don't know how to feel about this. i mean, obviously i'm kinda upset about it; but the rest of them are going back into the studio in a few months to record some new stuff, so that's good, right? but is steve going to be in orlando with everyone else when i see them next weekend? i hope so... and i'd like to think he'd like to do one more show with them before bowing out. eeks...

and is it wrong of me to be glad that if it's anyone, it's steve and not ed?

Do I Really Have To Graduate, Or Can I Just Stay Here?

while listening to o-rock's online station (which is the only way you can listen to the good music now, since the programming jerks decided to make it another generic "we play everything" station), the song "i love college" by asher roth came on. i am thoroughly amused by this song. lyrics are here, and the video is just below. lyrical highlights (at least in my book):

i wanna go to college for the rest of my life

sip banker's club and drink miller lite

on thirsty thursday and tuesday night ice

and i can get pizza a dollar a slice

i miss dollar-a-slice pizza. not so much the other stuff, but it's still a really amusing song...

What Exactly Goes Into Making Snot?

where is all this snot coming from? seriously, if we go by sheer volume from the last, say, five hours, i should have dropped at least 7-10 pounds. and it can only come from my head right? there's a finite amount of space in there - certainly not enough room to house the gallons of ickiness pouring out through my nose and watering from my eyes. i don't understand. and why can't the rest of my body work this efficiently? because it's clearly doing an excellent job of cranking out buckets of grossness around the clock. ick. just... ick.

i'm not even going to get started on the particular shade of magenta my nose is at the moment...

Life is a Mix Tape, Part 3: The Singles

"there are millions of songs in the world, and millions of ways to connect them into mixes. making the connections is part of the fun of being a fan." -rob sheffield

delving again into my musical memories... this time i'm posting songs that remind me of particular mix tapes/cd's/playlists and what went on around them.

4 "right here, right now" by jesus jones: this was on a random mix tape i made from the radio - you know, where you sat by your radio/tape deck, just waiting for one of your favorite songs to come on so you could hit "record".... and hoping the dj didn't talk over any of the good parts? i rediscovered this tape in college, just before we took arkansas bear on the road. not knowing what was on it (it was only labeled "fun and 80's"), i took it with us on the trip. at some point we popped the tape into the university van we were driving and had a great time singing and laughing and discussing the songs on the tape. this song was on that tape - and not the crappy radio edit either, the actual album version. for some unknown reason, some record label jerk apparently decided that they needed to shave another 15 seconds from an already-barely-three-minute-song and take out a small guitar solo. there are also slight variances in the backing beats - i'm not sure what they are exactly, but i can recognize the difference. i caught this particular version one late night (or early morning) when i was sick and couldn't sleep. i was downstairs in the rocking chair listening to the radio when this came on and i hit "record". it was the first time i'd heard this version, and it was somehow better than the normally-heard-on-the-radio version.

4 "tell me lies" by fleetwood mac: this song was actually not on the tape, but the radio dj had put this on immediately following "right here, right now." so although i pressed stop before the song really started, i still got the first 4 notes of this song - and apparently i listened to this tape enough that this transition is indelibly inscribed on my brain; i didn't even realize this until just now, when i played jesus jones, and the opening notes to "tell me lies" immediately popped up in my head.

4"unchained melody" by the righteous brothers: this song was also on that mix tape, though i'm not really sure what possessed me to tape this, but i'm guessing it probably has something to do with the movie ghost and its soundtrack. (that's my story, anyway, and i'm sticking to it.) i reached to ff through this song (we're still on that theatre trip, remember?) because i didn't really like it, when my hand was slapped away by craig - who then, along with the rest of the boys in our van, proceeded to sing the worst, off-key, caterwauling rendition of this song ever. on purpose. i was crying with laughter (and probably a burst ear drum) by the time they finished.

4 "it's a sunshine day" by the brady bunch: the next couple of songs were on a tape labeled "for drama" - it was just a tape i kept a bunch of songs on that i was using for drama class. this one was for a group pantomime: me, amanda, amber, mistey, paul, mike i think, and there had to be another boy, but i don't remember (someone help me out here?) decided to be the brady kids and alice going out for a picnic. we packed up a station wagon, ate and played games, then drove back home. it was a pretty awesome pantomime, if i remember correctly. (and i think i do.)

4 "summer breeze" by seals & croft: this actually wasn't my song - i think it was amanda's for her solo pantomime, because i associate it with her for some reason. i must have enjoyed the song enough to put it on a tape. or maybe we all rehearsed together or something, it's hard to tell...

4 "thirteen o'clock" from the labyrinth soundtrack: i used this one for my solo pantomime - i was a magician putting on a show. i wish i could have found it to add to the playlist, because it really is an excellent piece of music, but alas, instrumental music seems hard to find on the interwebs. anyway, the piece is now imbedded in my brain with the music... i could probably still do (most) of the 3 minute routine i made up for that assignment...

4"land of make believe" from the blast! soundtrack: this (and the next one) was from a cd i made while at disney titled "happy stuff". this is probably my favorite piece from the show, because it's just pure fun. plus steve was entertaining, and it was hysterical to watch kit making fun of him behind his back and then not tell him what he was doing. (the version in the playlist below isn't from blast - so it's not quite as good, and shorter - but this way you get the idea.)

4"hit me with your best shot" by pat benetar: this reminds me of candace (well, clearly - it's pat benetar) and also of that same summer. cristi and i, along with candace, rhonda, or whoever else we could drag with us, would often head over to epcot after work. i'm not sure why this particular song - maybe we started singing it randomly or something?

4"walk like an egyptian" by the bangles: this is from a mix tape made from the radio when i was in elementary school(ish). i remember - i'm thinking third grade, but i'm not sure - either amber or dawn bringing their portable boombox (and yes, they were called boomboxes, shush) and we would listen to it at recess. we were obsessed with this song for awhile, creating our own dances and music videos until we had to go back to class.

4 "kokomo" by the beach boys: same tape - i remember discovering the cocktail soundtrack... not such a great movie, but it's a kick-ass soundtrack. we even sang this in music class in the sixth grade, and i remember being confused about the words not being quite right. turns out the school board thought (probably correctly) that elementary school students shouldn't be singing about a "tropical contact high."

4"lollipop" by the chordettes: yep, still on the elementary-era tape. i have no idea why, but for some reason, this reminds me of being over at amy's house. did we sing this? dunno, but that's what pops in my head.

4 "the addams family theme" : in what? sixth grade? maybe fifth? somewhere in there, we did a jazz dance to this song that included big black boxes, white gloves, fushia sequins, and florescent polka-dotted bike shorts. awww, yeah.

4 "pennsylvania 65000" by the glen miller orchestra: also on the "for dance recitals" tape. this was earlier, i think... maybe fourth or fifth? not sure, but some of the footwork is still in my head, because it goes so well with the music.

4 "i alone" by live: this is from a high school mix tape, and always brings to mind the dreaded "who's on first" conversation when i called home from school to ask mom if i could go to a live concert that night with gretchen, her dad, and her brother. live wasn't very big yet so we went round and round till i finally shouted, "no! the name of the band is live! of course the concert is live, but that's their name!" mom and i still laugh about this.

4 "fat bottomed girls" by queen: i do love the queen, and forced them upon my friends. luckily, they mostly didn't mind. this song particularly reminds me of a gathering up at tricia's. me, trish, sarah, gretchen, possibly fedan, kenny, probably some of the boys - scott, bill, etc. - i don't remember exactly, but i remember having a cook out and a few of us ending up fully clothed in a pool.... clearly a result of said boys...

8 note: the quote at the beginning of this blog is from the book love is a mix tape by rob sheffield - a brilliant memoir of life and love by a contributing editor of rolling stone. it's lovely and sad and inspiring and funny and real, and why have you not gone out and bought it yet? go!

more mixed-tape goodness...

(i'm not sure why, but the playlist is not working for some reason... it WAS, but now it is not. so if you'd like to hear the songs, go here.)