Rough Day

i'm having a bad day emotionally. i mean, upping my medication has helped, but that doesn't actually solve anything, nor does it change the fact that i am grieving. and i haven't cried in like 4 days, so i suppose i was about due. it didn't help that the sermon in church this morning was all about marriage and parenthood - two things i thought were in my immediate future, but clearly aren't now. and it's just been a down day since. my mom bought me a stuffed talking dugg from the movie up (hi there! i have just met you and already i love you. ooh! a ball! a ball!) so that helped a little. i also bought severely awesome shoes - that are completely ridiculous - to wear to juliana's wedding in two weeks. i'm so happy for her, and i want to be there to support her, but i assume i'm going to have a sad, weepy moment or two. enter the shoes. they are so ridiculous that all i'll have to do is look down at my feet and smile. (we'll see if that works.) bleagh. i hate being icky. maybe i'll put my shoes on and walk around the apartment a little...

i mean, really... hot pink, stiletto heel, rhinestone buckles, froufy organza pieces that fluff when i walk - for $32. behold the epic awesomeness...

"Legs Time! Everybody Get Your Legs!"

"elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only."

so go the midnight ramblings of the mild-mannered adam. his wife karen has started recording his randomness and sharing with the world. it is absolutely HYSTERICAL and you should go check out their site. "do you like what you see? well, bloody look harder. strain your eyes!"

Total Sensory Deprivation and Back-up Drugs

well, not exactly, but still... if you know me, you know i hate (hate, hate, hate, HATE) being chemically dependent. i despise taking any medicine at all, but i acknowledge that sometimes it has to be done in order to re-boot my system, or to kick-start it into healing. the fact that the stupidity being termed by my doctors as "fibromayalgia" makes it impossible to live without some sort of medication is highly irritating. but the truth is i was completely non-functioning at the onset (those of you that had to put up with me/helped me through this time understand how bad it was) and i couldn't do my job or, well, anything, so something had to be done. same with the panic disorder - occasionally that gets out of hand, and i have no choice. eventually i managed to wean myself off everything but the zoloft (doing double duty, since it also helps with the panic disorder) and tylenol pm or benedryl to go to sleep at night. this is not really the best decision due to the crazy stupid amounts of chronic pain, but i deal the best that i can. i know what (most of) my limits are and i try to keep myself working.

but once again i'm a mess, for mostly totally different reasons. it got to the point that i was (am) sleeping 12-14 hours a day - and not because my body's exhausted and shutting down, like with the fibro, but simply because i can't bear to be conscious any more than necessary. it's just so much easier to deal with the world if i'm asleep. yes, i know this is avoidance and ridiculous, but that doesn't change the fact that i got to the lowest point i've ever been. i truly hit my emotional bottom, and again something had to be done. so when i went to the doctor's on friday (p.s. my cholesterol has gone down 20 points, so no meds for that, thank goodness), we discussed. she put me on something for the restless leg syndrome, which has gotten way worse lately (i'm sleeping all the time, but it's not good sleep, so i'm getting more pain when i'm awake), emergency ambien for the bad nights, and she upped my zoloft from 100 mg to 150. i'm having minor side effects, but nothing horrible. i feel a little weird, slight dull headaches, nausea after i take the requip (rls med), but overall, i can deal. my body seems to be adjusting pretty well and fairly quickly. the hardest to deal with is the increased mental alertness - i know that sounds silly, but suddenly i need to be doing a lot of things, only i really don't have anything to do. i'm up, i'm alert, i'm awake, but i don't really want to be. it's going to take some adjustment to get my "what i feel like doing" to line up with "what my body's ready for." because my body's ready to go, but i really just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. only i can't, because i've got too much energy. ah, well. some day i'll be able to pull my emotional state up. hopefully being "up" physically will eventually force my spirits there as well. we'll see. but that's the update for now....

Kicking at the Darkness

in an effort to gain some ground on the darkness that is infiltrating my life, i've started a new blog. my goal is to find (at least) one thing every day that makes it worth getting out of bed that morning. so far, so good.... we'll see if this helps.

"till it bleeds daylight"

Drowned

tim minchin is my new current obsession... he's brilliant and funny and talented - not a combination you find very often anymore. i've been listening and watching and downloading everything i can find; i stumbled across this and the beauty (and the fact that it cuts close) brought tears to my eyes. (this is just the audio - and a random still... but worth listening to.)

Refocusing

this year has been one of extreme highs and equally extreme lows, amid general suckiness. the high points being finally (after almost 6 years of bad timing and false starts) getting to start a romance with the love of my life, becoming engaged, and starting to plan a life together. the low bits being pretty much every moment after he began to suddenly freak out about the whole thing and then stopped talking to me altogether. i won't go into it (you can go and read past blog entries if you really want to hear about the soul-crushing heartache) but suffice it to say that this has pretty much destroyed me. since the pain is not magically going to go away (and probably not ever - i mean it's gotta be all downhill after "love of your life," right?) i've decided not to even try. instead, i'm refocusing - shifting to outside of me. i'm stuck inside my head - and trust me, it sucks in here right now - and i need out. so i'm going to focus on my passions (theatre, teaching, and travel) and helping others.

clearly i need out of here, so the first step is moving. i figure i'll probably end up in central florida since i have some seriously awesome friends there, and i know the area. plus, that puts me in a position to help mikki with CN4C and lets me volunteer at the give kids the world village. i really wish there was some way i could convince the powers-that-be at GKTW to create a full-time photography position (with benefits, preferably) for me. however, since that's probably not going to happen, the first order of business is finding a job. that's where you come in. anybody have any leads on a job, at least temporarily? because of the fibro, i can't stand for long periods of time or lift, well, anything really, so keep that in mind. i'm working on getting my certification back so that i can at least sub while looking for other teaching jobs. so... help? any suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated. i need out of here, and as soon as possible, so that i can start focusing on yakking up sunshine and rainbows and making the world a better place and crap, and stop focusing on my own pain. thanks!

Yep, This Is My New Theme Song...

(courtesy of jonathan vick.)

Worst. Attack. Ever.

on monday, the day i before i left the relative comfort of south florida to return to the frozen tundra of the north, i went to work with john. it's more entertaining than sitting by myself in his apartment all day, and i can think of worse things to do than be surrounded by books all day. there were errands to be run first, one of which was stopping at starbucks. this was the 28th - voodoo day - so we had to do something indulgent like getting obscenely over-priced (and in this case slightly burnt) coffee. i ordered a venti iced soy decaf caramel macchiato (man that sounds pretentious) and was enjoying it till about 4 hours later, when it suddenly became clear that though i ordered decaf, and i heard the cashier tell the guy making my drink that it was decaf, it was most decidedly NOT decaf.

i cannot have caffeine. this is not me being picky, or wanting to go to bed early; i really can't have much caffeine at all. when i have a really bad headache and need a little caffeine to help kick it, i can't have more than one-third of a 16 oz. can of coke. even that will make it hard to sleep that night, but more than that will trigger my anxiety. and when you live with panic disorder (thanks, mom's side of the family, for that) you do whatever you can to avoid that. if you've never had a panic attack - and thank the stars if you haven't - then it's almost impossible to describe what one's like. you really have no control over it - your body is betraying you, and nothing you try (like slow, deep breaths, or "keeping calm," or anything else) will help. suffice it to say that when you've been relatively caffeine-free for about 10 years, three double shots of espresso is NOT a good thing.

i started feeling anxious and jittery. i drank copious amounts of water. i walked down to the end of the plaza and got a smoothie, because water and fruit both help to cleanse the system, and the caffeine needed to get out. this did not help. i gathered up my stuff and went outside to start walking. i got about half-way around the complex before i started crying. lovely. if you've never cried for no reason before, i don't recommend it. just like the hyperventilating and the racing heart beat, it's something you can't control. i start walking around the back of the building and the uncontrollable sobbing starts. awesome. the thing about anxiety attacks is that they trigger emotional responses. since pretty much all of my emotions in the last couple of months have been negative (hurt, loss, heart-break, etc.), i spent 2 hours sitting in the same spot, half-way up the stairs at the back of the movie theatre sobbing and rocking like a crazy homeless person. just how i wanted to spend the evening. eventually john closed the store and came around to collect me so we could head home. all told, the attack was almost 5 hours long, which is just insane. i've never had one that bad before, ever; not even during my onset. just ridiculous. so thank you, stupid starbucks barista, for not paying attention and thoroughly ruining my day. (and the next two, because it takes a while for the "anxiety hangover" to wear off...)