From Such Great Heights

just as you had to bear with me when i was at an extremely high point in my emotional well-being, you will now have to deal with the extreme low. i apologize for this, but well, this blog is a catch-all for my thoughts and feelings, and nothing in either of those categories is very optimistic at the moment. i don't have an analogy or metaphor strong enough to express how shattered i am inside and how hard it is to even breathe right now. part of the problem, i think, is that i fell from such a height - it's one thing to be happy, but i was happy to the exclusion of all other things. other issues, money problems, stress... none of that mattered in the least, because i was so over the moon. i've never had that kind of happy before, ever. it was the best i've ever felt, ever. not to say i've NEVER been happy, because clearly i have, but not like this. not like nothing could touch me and everything was possible. not even when i was seven, and the world was still full of magic. so to have it taken away, so suddenly and so completely, was beyond devastating. it's like my world imploded, and i was trapped in the center, helpless to stop it. the pain is overwhelming, and really, that concerns me a little - i was thinking about this this morning... i am currently on 100 mg of zoloft a day; can you imagine if i were not? if i can be this depressed WHILE on anti-depressants, i shudder to think of the mess i could be without chemical help. my philosophy does not allow for suicide, but i think i would be close to those depths, if (again) i allowed for such thinking. it's all icky, i am icky, and i'm sorry - i try not to break down in public or in front of anyone if i can help it, but i can't promise that i won't have a moment here and there. i'm SO very tired of the crying, of the miserableness, of everything, but i just can't get out of it yet...