Just Can't Help Being All Shook Up In My Blue Suede Shoes By My Burning Love When You Love Me Tender In Las Vegas. Love, Your Teddy Bear

john and i are planning a trip to vegas for sometime this year. clearly, research needs to go into this. i mean, you can’t just show up to the Frivolity Capital of the World without a game plan. there are so many things to do, it would be easy to become overwhelmed. so we started info-gathering. it started with three categories: shows; activities, clubs, etc.; and shopping. (because of course there were charts and graphs that needed to be made…) i have since changed the categories to "legit stuff," "ridiculousness," and "clearly we need to do this." and yes, i realize that some items in the “ridiculousness” and “clearly we need to do this” groups will overlap, but whatever. i’ll get to these charts at a later blog, i’m sure, but really this is all just exposition for the point of this blog. after the obvious suggestions – cirque du soleil, roulette, elvis impersonators – john suddenly took in a big dramatic breath.

“ooh! We should totally get married in vegas! by elvis, of course.”

it should be noted that honestly, i love this idea. it’s hilarious, tacky, ridiculous, and totally us. you just have to kind of ignore the fact that we both like boys and aren’t remotely attracted to each other. (well, we’re both attractive people, and we cannot take a bad picture together, but you know what i mean. and wow, did that sound conceited. ah, well – the picture thing is true, though. i'll put up the evidence in a later blog.) unfortunately, both of our mothers are staunch catholics and they would most probably disown us both if we did so. (john’s response: “hey, my parents might actually be excited that I’m marrying a girl.” but i can already hear my mother preparing a “marriage is a sacrament” speech, and john was forced to admit that we’d be yelled at by both sets of in-laws. it would be bad enough to be disowned by my own mother; but being renounced by both of them would certainly be traumatic.) but we are creative people, and naturally we found a way to get around this: we figured that none of these places is going to care if we don't have a marriage certificate as long as we let them know that WE know this. we can turn it into a “platonic soul mates” ceremony or something...

so we set about researching places to get married by elvis. because, really, if you’re going to get married in vegas, it really ought to be by the king, or by one of those drive-thru wedding chapels. otherwise, why even bother with vegas? (the one exception being people like my friend jen, who was actually from vegas, and had most of her family there.) this is my favorite site…. i was reading these out to john over the phone and i could barely speak because i was laughing so hard. there were at least two points in the conversation that i had to stop completely and just dissolve into giggles. this place is a gold mine of ridiculousness – it’s brilliant. the best parts:

1. can’t afford a hawaiian wedding? no problem – you can purchase the "blue hawaii" theme wedding. (hula dancer only an additional $140!)
2. no matter what package you choose, you get a copy of elvis and priscilla’s wedding certificate. perfect for framing next to yours, or for any of your scrapbooking needs.
3. elvis will escort the bride down the aisle. way swankier than be given away by your father, or anyone else that you might actually know in real life.
4. there are choices of themes for elvis. you can choose “gold lame," “black leather jumpsuit, “ or “aloha” for an additional fee. you know, just in case black leather doesn’t go with your bridal colors.
5. if you can’t decide, there’s always the “the famous dueling elvis package” – not one but TWO, that’s right, TWO elvises. you get a young elvis in gold lame, and (i would guess) an (older, fatter) elvis in his flashy sequined 70’s las vegas jumpsuit!
6. “flashy sequined 70’s las vegas jumpsuit” is actually a direct quote from the website. behold it’s awesome selling power!
7. you have the ability to have pictures like these in your wedding album:

8. you can be like these people! (actual website copy: “Las Vegas Weddings: Wedding in Las Vegas is one of the best wedding ideas- join the likes of Jon Bon Jovi and Billy Ray Cyrus!”) a few questions, people… do you really want to be just like billy ray cyrus?

i mean, look at that hair, people! you can't follow the example of someone who looks like this on purpose!

and i’m confused; is jon bon jovi marrying this guy?

oh, wait… this makes more sense…

and who exactly was richard simmons marrying? a woman? someone from this planet? richard, i’m pretty sure there’s a wedding day rule of not out-pompadour-ing your wedding officiant. it’s probably right after “don’t upstage the bride,” another rule which was probably broken…

awesomeness. i cannot make this stuff up!