Thoughts, Questions, and Comments After Weekend Shopping

1. if you are in the nations largest outlet mall, and it's the weekend before christmas, you do NOT get to pull out your cellphone and attempt to text someone while slowing your pace to that of a snail on quaaludes. either put the phone away, move to the side out of the flow of traffic, or learn to multitask for pete's sake.

2. i'm pretty sure i lost several i.q. points while browsing in forever 21, just from the music. if you are using the phrase, "your dress looks like a silhouette," mayhap you don't actually know what the word "silhouette" means. look it up. or keep some people around you with an intelligence level above 60 so that they can tell you when you sound like an idiot. oh, and for the record, i find it hard to believe that you care overmuch about her "impressive intellect" when the chorus tells us that you want to park the car and go "porn-style". really? several i.q. points frittered away...

3. and while we're on the topic of music, is it really necessary to have a disco/funk version of "sleigh ride" with someone trying his very best (and failing) to be james brown?

4. also (same theme) what possesses you to make a dance/hip-hop version of "santa claus is coming to town" complete with a rap at the bridge that rhymes "snow" with "fo' sho?" eeks.

5. question: how did salt n peppa get away with "push it" in the late 80's? i mean, it's pretty impressive, really. how did that not get censored off the airways? a current katy perry song has an entire line or two (awkwardly) edited out so that it doesn't mention "pms" or "bitch" on pop radio, but back then they somehow got away with lines like "the music's pumpin' hard like i wish you was," and "get up on dick"... i know they said the line was, "get up on this," but we all know better. those ladies had some pretty big cojones.

6. if you decide to take your ten year old son shopping, please consider that there may be things that are not appropriate for him. for example, taking him into a store and making him carry your chosen selection of frilly underwear, lace bras, and leopard print cami/thong sets so that your hands are free to browse - probably not the most responsible thing to do. i'm just saying.

7. okay, back to christmas music. can someone explain to me how "favorite things" became a "christmas classic"? it's a song that, in the sound of music, is used to calm the children because their country is being invaded by nazis and the world is going to shit around them. HOW does this relate to christmas exactly?

8. ikea has excellent mashed potatoes. i had to stop by and get some stuffed ferrets for the mayzie-dog for christmas (her current ferret, though she still loves it, has no stuffing and only one paw left), and decided to also get dinner. it was a good decision on my part.

9. i tried the lingonberry juice with my taters and baguette. it was quite tasty, actually. it vaguely reminded me of something - something from my childhood, but it was just vague enough to remain out of reach. even so, it was a delicious surprise.

10. i am having issues with shoes for new years. c is coming up and we're going to the official "downtown countdown," which i'm very excited for (largely because cowboy mouth is involved), and we are actively trying to put together our outfits for the night. clearly, i want to rock some kick-ass heels. the problem is this: ever since i became broken, i can't wear heels for a long period of time. and it's not like my feet just get a little sore; that i could (can, have, and would) deal with. what happens, though, is that the pain becomes literally crippling. it very quickly gets to the point where it hurts to even take a few steps, then eventually my ankles will join in on the fun and start weakening, and then my feet will start cramping in earnest. this is not cute or fun. and i fully intend on jumping up and down and dancing like a fool the entire time cowboy mouth is on the stage. "so just wear flats," i hear you saying. and yes, flats will solve the problem, but here's the thing: there are NO FABULOUS FLATS. sure, there are cute ones, but cute doesn't cut it for a formal, "creative black-tie" dress code. at least not for me. cute is not kick-ass, fabulous, or even fantastic - and i can't ring in the new year in less-than-fantastic shoes... that's like going against everything i stand for. hence my conundrum. sigh.

11. silver and gold metallic pleather hot shorts... are these really necessary to sell?

12. while shopping in dress barn (and finding some very cute things for myself and others), i stumbled across two of the most hideous christmas sweaters EVER. we're talking beading and sequins and crocheted appliques and everything. i mean, they were just AWFUL. it was awesome. they were 60% off, and i really debated buying one of them. it's not often you get a chance to own something that horrendous for less than $15. i may actually go back and get one before i go home on wednesday...