conflicted

in my life, i generally know when to start something new, or when it’s time to give up on something. the universe generally gives me not-so-subtle hints about what I should or should not be doing; getting fired from Disney so that i could tap more strongly into empathic stuff and (more importantly) get to travel on cruise ships and meet new and awesome people is one of the more forceful nudges i’ve been given. i now seem to be at a similar place – there’s no real reason why i shouldn’t have a full time job somewhere and be able to pay my rent, except for the possibility that i’m just not meant to be here anymore. and it’s not without its safety nets… i have an awesome job offer where i’d be close to my “sister” jen, i’d be near enough to my family to visit over a weekend, and i’d be making good money.

which is why i don’t understand the inner conflict that’s happening right now.

normally when this kind of thing happens, i have no problem letting go and letting things happen. i mean, nothing bad has ever come from this kind of transition, and i’m a very roll-with-the-punches kind of girl. i’m the one who – at age 8 – after a year in morgantown, was dumbfounded by the fact that we would not be moving again. my parents wanted to give me a nice, stable location for the rest of my childhood, and all I could think was, “what? why are we staying here? there are more places to go to and experience.” so you wouldn’t think that moving would be that hard for me. i know i’ve lived in Orlando for the better part of ten years and i think of it as home, but i had no qualms about moving down here, or living on cruise ships for 5 months at a time. so why is this a difficult decision?

in truth, it’s not much of a decision at all, really. i don’t have a lot of choice. i can’t make my rent, i have money on my credit card again (after having it all paid off), and i don’t seem to be allowed to find what I need down here. and it’s not even like I have much else down here; sure, i have friends, but most of the ones that are family have moved away, leaving only one or two really close ones. plus, a year as a medically maligned hermit (ooh, I like that – “medically maligned”) has left me out of the casual friend hang-out loop. and (back to the close friends) the few, like rob, aren’t going anywhere – it will totally suck to not be able to go over to his house and catch up on tivo’d shows with him, but it’s not like we won’t probably be texting every day anyway.

so what is my deal? I’m excited about new opportunities and a new place (not to mention the possibility of working with jen on our children’s theatre), but i’m still pulling back. i need to let it go – as fred is rather fittingly singing into my ears right now - and trust the universe, i guess. i just don’t know why that’s suddenly hard to do.