The Stupid Thing Is That I'm Surprised Every Time

"well, you know how it feels if you begin hoping for something that you want desperately badly; you almost fight against the hope because it is too good to be true; you've been disappointed so often before. that was how digory felt. but it was no good trying to throttle his hope. it might - really, really, it just might be true. so many odd things had happened already." ~c. s. lewis, the magician's nephew

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Come to the Water

there are a few constant truths in my life, and it always amazes me when I forget them. or, if not forget, then push them to the side. it all makes sense at the time; it's inconvenient, or it'll cost money I don't have, or I don't have a day off, or whatever. but I really should know better by now. I DO know better. sometimes I just make poor choices based on malaise or convenience or just plain laziness. because rule number one is not "the doctor lies", it is "go to the beach". or any shoreline, really - sand does not actually have to be involved. there is something about being in a place that's a crossroads of all the elements - it centers me in a way nothing else does. I may have only been on the beach for a few hours last sunday, reading and sitting and then wandering around, but those few hours rebooted me entirely. things I'd been thinking over and worrying about and meditating on for weeks or months just melted away into clear answers. or maybe not clear answers, exactly, but certainly a calmer acceptance of where I am and how to deal with it. or not deal with it and just be. because apparently being beachside makes me into a yoda-like zen master. at least for a little while. and when wears off and I go back to being anxiety-girl, could you kindly order my excuse-finding ass back to the beach? thanks.

I Love My People

paul, a friend from high school, was in town on a job. he and his his co-pilot - for he flies planes for a private company - were looking for something to do. luckily for them it was a Thursday night; we all know I rarely do anything and am something less than a social butterfly. I am completely out of touch with normal going-out-and-partying type things. but thursdays, I can offer open-mic night. so I did. and I asked some other people to come play, and they did, and I believe a good time was had by all. I know a good time was had by me, anyway.

rob: she's a dancer. she has to do everything with a flourish.
me: but not on purpose. I think I'm just extra ridiculous all the time, and flourishes are the result.
rob: yes, that's exactly it, actually.

eric: she likes nsync AND mylie cyrus? where do you find these people?
me: she's a new friend, I take no responsibility. you can blame rob.

me: (to paul) so not much has changed since high school - all my friends are still fun. and completely ridiculous.

pat: in brazil we are rude and push people and we not care about others.
me: that's an eastern european accent you're using.
pat: in brazil we sound like russian. this is what I learn at my job.

erin: (for the 7th time in as many minutes) but see, I'm married -
eric: is she married?
rob: well, she's married....
me: she really wants us to know this.
eric: or she's trying to convince herself...
rob: that's much more likely.
erin: (who has not heard any of this aside) what? I'm married, and....

me: you should go sing something.
paul: um, no.
me: why? you were IN a band once...
paul: yeah, that was a LONG time ago.
me: I'm sure it's like riding a bike...
paul: yeah, no. it's probably more like flying a plane - if you forget something you don't just fall down, someone could die...