Well, Crap.

pretty ideas and random daydreams are one thing; they're pleasant distractions from the real world, and that's fine. the problem is when something goes from being a pretty - and probably unobtainable - idea to being something you actively want. wanting is never good. it means you're emotionally invested and that if (or more likely when) you don't get that thing, it takes a toll. wanting is a part of desire, and to quote neil gaiman, desire is always cruel. dammit....

Can't Be Stopped

I'm currently reading extremely loud and incredibly close by Jonathan safran foer. and loving it. the following passage just caught me - something about the simple beauty of damaged people helping each other because they can't help themselves, I guess...

[mr. black is talking about a community in Russia of artists who had been forced to flee the cities, and had covered their new place in paintings - the walls, the ceilings, the plates, the windows, everything. also, mr. black shouts because he's a bit deaf.]
"Stalin found out about the community and sent his thugs in, just a few days before I got there, to break all their arms! that was worse than killing them! it was a horrible sight, Oskar: their arms in crude splints, straight in front of them like zombies! they couldn't feed themselves, because they couldn't get their hands to their mouths! so you know what they did!" "they starved?" "they fed each other! that's the difference between heaven and hell! in hell we starve! in heaven we feed each other!" "I don't believe in the afterlife." "neither do I, but I believe in the story!"

Throwing It All Away (Or Trying To)

"With the time I waste on the life I never had
I could've turned myself into a better man"
- toad the wet sprocket, "throw it all away"

I worked a party a couple weeks ago with a girl who just broke up with her boyfriend, and had already set her sights on a guy who works in the complex with us. and while I personally don't work that way, I undersstand the view point: that's over so it's time to move on. or as she said, "I just wasted two years of my life on someone who can't be bothered anymore. why should I waste anymore time on it?" and for whatever reason, at that moment it resonated with me. I've essentially wasted two years of my life mourning the loss of a future with a man who, contrary to previous actions, apparently decided I wasn't important enough to say goodbye to. and while I obviously needed the time to heal - and am still working on it - I can't keep letting my soul be damaged by someone who clearly wanted to be out of my life. damage has been done, I have to live with it and work through it, but I don't have to let it continue to scar me. I'm trying to open myself to possibilities around me. do I believe anything will work out? or even happen at all? I don't know. I'm not sure I believe I get to have a successful relationship or be happy. and yes, I know it's depressing and a sad viewpoint to have, but I have only my past to look at and the evidence seems to speak for itself. and I'm not sure I'd even be prepared for anything to actually happen. but I suppose the fact that I'm willing to see says something, right? well, we'll see I guess...