Happy Voodoo Day!

many, many years ago, john and i created a holiday. we named it "voodoo day," but please don't ask me why, because i haven't the foggiest. neither of us is big on christmas, and all the festivities surrounding it, and all the duties to friends and families during the time... they wear us out. they wear everyone out, really. you spend so much time prepping and planning and decorating and cooking and catering to everyone else that all you really want to do a few days after christmas is curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. that is the principle behind voodoo day. it's a day - smack dab in the middle of christmas and new year's - that is not about other people. it's about you. to properly celebrate voodoo day, you don't buy gifts for others; you buy something nice for you. you do something indulgent for yourself. go get a massage, find a fabulous pair of shoes, get a mani-pedi, listen to your favorite cd even though everyone else hates it. whatever. doesn't matter what you do, as long as you take a moment to enjoy something for yourself, not for anyone else. so happy voodoo day, all!! may you enjoy your self-indulgent moment, and get back a little bit of energy that the holidays have stolen.

On The First Day of Christmas, My Best Friend Gave To Me... A Trip to th'Emergency Rooooom

the day started with me taking john to the ER. a friend of his came over last night, dropped a glass coaster and broke it, and john managed to step on a sliver and cut himself fairly deeply. after bleeding everywhere - which i had to clean up, mind you, as the gay boys were all drunk and passing out - he went to bed instead of letting me take him to the hospital. in the morning, it still hurt and was still oozing blood a little, so i insisted on taking him in. the hospital in question - holy cross - was totally worth the trip. not only was it beautiful, with reflecting ponds and lovely mosaics, but very entertaining as well. outside was a HUGE nativity scene. since it was christmas day, we decided to join in with the fun.

after winding our way through the maze to the ER (john simply parked at the main entrance, not the ER entrance), we checked in and then waited to be called. our journey was helped by the adorable signs that let us know where to go.

after a short wait, john's name was called. since there was nothing else for me to do but sit around and be bored, i went with. the triage nurse went through all the standard questions and whatnot, but she was very fun - smartass-y and joking with us. she asked about medical history and as john explained, she jotted it down on his chart.

"now, do you smoke, drink, or do drugs?"

"um, i smoke and drink. i haven't done drugs in a long time, but i used to. wait, i cut my foot - is that relevant?"

"well, i like to ask. it gets very boring up here, and i like to make conversation. it's all strictly for the entertainment of the triage nurse, really."

we both burst out laughing. we were shown to room and hung out for a little while. i spent my time keeping john from accidentally destroying expensive medical equipment until we figured out how to work the tv and put on the travel channel. in the end, john didn't get stitches because he waited too long to come in - he should've come in the night before like i told him - but had an x-ray to make sure all the glass was out and a tetanus shot. it really didn't take long for an ER visit, and was quite entertaining, all in all.

then we had to find our way back to the car. after getting lost twice (once in the "ambulance only" area, where we definitely shouldn't have been), we asked the hot security guard how to get back to the main entrance. turns out, you can't get to the main entrance from the emergency wing without a security card which, luckily, the guard had. we retraced our steps and somehow ended up lost again. but we found a very pretty area outside the cafeteria, with bistro tables and a water feature. and absolutely NO smoking. this time, a nurse saw us looking around confusedly, took pity on us, and pointed us in the right direction. we (finally) made our way out to the car and back to john's to relax for a bit before heading out to dinner. so that was a fun-filled christmas afternoon. never a dull moment...

Is It Weird That I Feel Bad?

caught (what is presumably) mouse #3 and set him outside. i clearly can't leave them in my house to run amok when i'm away (amok, amok, amok!), but i feel awful for exiling them to the frozen tundra that is the outside world. i worry that they won't find a decent place for shelter or enough food - what the hell is wrong with me? they're field mice - they know how to survive outside, right? but what if they're little, and were born inside... will their instincts still kick in so they can find food and shelter? or will they freeze their little tails off? i'll feel terrible if i went through all the trouble of trapping them and setting them free just to give them a death sentence outside. i think i need help... or a higher dosage of zoloft...

If I Could Just Teach Him How To Ride a Motorcycle...

for the last few weeks, i've been living with a mouse. i thought it was just one, now i KNOW it's at least two, and it may have been three, though one is back outside freezing his butt off. i have no desire to kill the poor things (because, really, who can blame them for wanting a nice warm place to stay?) but they're too damn clever for their own good. i got one out (i think) a week or so ago - the trap was closed, it seemed heavier, and i put it outside... thing was, it was too cold that morning for me to hang around to watch, so i just set it up and left it. when i got back from work, it was empty, and i figured a) i caught him and got him out, or 2) he figured out how to get the peanut butter out and i didn't get him at all. then i heard scampering the next night and figured i didn't really trap him at all. but this morning the trap was closed, but didn't really feel any heavier. i looked inside, but saw nothing. apparently, though, this mouse was tiny and managed to curl up in the back and i didn't see him. when i saw the little brown one a few minutes ago, i got up to reset the trap. when i pulled out the back to put in more peanut butter, out plunked the other mouse (which was a rude awaking, since he seemed to be snoozing - took him a second to take off) onto the floor. i've reset the trap, but i'm afraid that now they know what happens when you get the peanut butter, they won't even get near the thing again. *sigh* i refuse to kill them, because that's just plain mean, but there aren't a lot of "catch and release" traps out there... most of them are the fatal kind. and though they don't really get into much (at least not of MY stuff - who knows what they do in the rest of the basement) they really need to go. time for round two...

At Least It's Only Once a Year...

christmas sucks for me. always has, and i don't totally understand it. it always makes me sad and depressed. i figured that this year would be different since i would be with the man i planned on spending my life with. yeah, well... since that's not happening, it's turning into the worst holiday season ever. i'm ridiculously depressed, obviously, and there's just no getting out of it. and as much as i love my family - and i really do - there's just no way i'm going to be able to function around all the holiday crap and family stuff. i had a minor breakdown on thanksgiving, and that family didn't even belong to me. (sorry about that, c... but thanks for dealing with me!) so, i will be spending christmas with the bff. i'm flying down to ft. lauderdale on christmas eve (i know, i know, but it was $50-100 cheaper than any other day) and we will be enjoying christmas on miami beach. christmas dinner will be at benihana's. it will be our very non-christmas-y christmas. he can't be with his family as he has to work the day before and after, and christmas really isn't his thing either... plus, we've both had a seriously crappy year, so hopefully this will be good for both of us. we'll see. i totally expect to become a big blubbery mess at some point, but hopefully i'll manage to wait till i'm not in public. we'll see. all i know is that he's my bff for a reason, so hopefully we'll make each other feel better...

Mad As a Box of Frogs

if you haven't yet scene syfy's "alice," you should really do yourself a favor and watch it - especially if you saw and enjoyed "tin man" from a few years ago. (i watched it on youtube here, and i'm sure you can find it on hulu or elsewhere.)  go watch the show - enjoy, among other things, matt frewer (taggart from "eureka") as the "mad as a box of frogs" (my new favorite phrase) white knight, colm meany's slightly-witless-but-not-a-complete-cuckolded-idiot king of hearts, and all the fun associations you can draw between what you remember about the book and original movie and this version of wonderland. and then there's the end bit...

Brilliant Lyrics (and a Really Cute Video)

"we get on" by kate nash... this is about halfway through the song. LOVE these friends...

So I went to that party
everyone they were kind of arty
And I was wearing this dress
'cause I wanted to impress
But I wasn't sure if I look my best
'cause I was so nervous
But I carried on regardless
strutting through each room
trying to find you

And when I saw you kissing that girl
My heart, it shattered
and my eyes, they watered
and when I tried to speak I stu-uttered

And my friends were like "Whatever,
you'll find someone better,
his eyes are way too close together
and we never even liked him from the start.
And now he's with that tart,
and I heard she'd done some really nasty stuff
down in the park with Michael.
He said she's easy
and if your guy's with someone that's sleazy
then he ain't worth your time
cause you deserve a real nice guy"

So I proceeded to get drunk and to cry

I locked myself in the toilets for the entire night

love it. i looked for a video to attach, and found this - totally cute. enjoy.

Man, I Love This Song... And This Version

further proof that bob dylan is a brilliant, brilliant poet, but should let other, more qualified people do the singing...

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

To make you feel my love...

Ok, I Lied; I CAN Think of an Analogy...

(it seems i can always come up with a good metaphor...)

i didn't understand it was possible to hurt this badly; to feel this sort of soul-crushing pain. i mean, i suppose i sort of acknowledged the idea of it, just as you - having never broken a bone - can acknowledge that breaking one is going to hurt. i've broken bones before, literally and figuratively, and so i thought i knew what to expect. but i forgot that there's an intense difference between, say, fracturing your wrist and breaking a couple of ribs. (both of which i've had the displeasure of experiencing, thankyouverymuch.) the wrist hurts, it lays you up for a while, it's difficult to do a lot of the things you're used to doing.... but after a short while the pain is more annoying than anything, and you quickly learn to compensate with the other hand until the pain has faded completely. breaking ribs, on the other hand, is a totally different story. the pain is intense, crippling. it's hard to breathe, it's stabbingly painful to even try, and the slightest movement in any part of your body will set off explosions of white-hot searing pain. and that shit doesn't heal quickly, either. with a wrist, you can put on a cast or a splint, give it a month or two, and you're as good as new. ribs? yeah, not so much. there's nothing you can do short of immobilizing your entire body, and the stabbing pain can take between 6 months and a year to go away. and even after it's supposedly healed, it can still give you twinges, years later. so i thought i'd known emotional pain and heartache, but it turns out it was just a fractured wrist. now i've got several crushed and broken ribs and i'm struggling for my very breath. not a pretty picture, granted, but at least it's accurate, and may help explain how i'm feeling...

A Visual Aid for the Current State of My Soul

i would be the blue one on the left...

(the extreme irony, of course, being that the artist is the one who rendered me so...)

From Such Great Heights

just as you had to bear with me when i was at an extremely high point in my emotional well-being, you will now have to deal with the extreme low. i apologize for this, but well, this blog is a catch-all for my thoughts and feelings, and nothing in either of those categories is very optimistic at the moment. i don't have an analogy or metaphor strong enough to express how shattered i am inside and how hard it is to even breathe right now. part of the problem, i think, is that i fell from such a height - it's one thing to be happy, but i was happy to the exclusion of all other things. other issues, money problems, stress... none of that mattered in the least, because i was so over the moon. i've never had that kind of happy before, ever. it was the best i've ever felt, ever. not to say i've NEVER been happy, because clearly i have, but not like this. not like nothing could touch me and everything was possible. not even when i was seven, and the world was still full of magic. so to have it taken away, so suddenly and so completely, was beyond devastating. it's like my world imploded, and i was trapped in the center, helpless to stop it. the pain is overwhelming, and really, that concerns me a little - i was thinking about this this morning... i am currently on 100 mg of zoloft a day; can you imagine if i were not? if i can be this depressed WHILE on anti-depressants, i shudder to think of the mess i could be without chemical help. my philosophy does not allow for suicide, but i think i would be close to those depths, if (again) i allowed for such thinking. it's all icky, i am icky, and i'm sorry - i try not to break down in public or in front of anyone if i can help it, but i can't promise that i won't have a moment here and there. i'm SO very tired of the crying, of the miserableness, of everything, but i just can't get out of it yet...

Stealing Stuff from Sami

(man, i love a good alliteration...)

my friend sami had this posted as her status: [sami] is damaged and thus will hurt you if you get too close. Therefore, I accept my sentence of experiencing this life by myself...

i feel like these words sum up my emotional state right now, and so i am stealing them.