Is It Wrong To Hope for Something Bad?

i've been mysteriously ill for a year and a half now. fatigue, pain, blahdi, blahdi, blah, and it's still not fixed.  it's been labeled "fibromyalgia" (and we all know how i feel about that title), but it wasn't ever a clear diagnosis, since i had other issues that didn't fit into that mold. it's not leukemia, it's not my thyroid, and no, it's not lupus. a week or so ago, i had the worst spot (and yes, it was just a spot, on my left shoulder) of sunburn i think i've ever had. so i went to the urgent care place to see if there was anything i could do for the pain.  while taking the routine vitals, the doctor says, "you know you have a heart murmur, right?" clearly assuming i DID know.  which i didn't.  so i found a regular doctor, saw her on friday, and she concurred that there was a murmur.  when you add that to all the other things that are wrong with me, my heart becomes suspect.

today, i went in for an echocardiogram (which is basically an ultrasound of your heart).  i should find out within a week what's what.  and of course i don't want my heart to have a severe problem - it's my heart, and i kinda need it to, you know, survive and stuff.  but a part of me hopes that it is; that there's something there so they can finally say, "there! that's why you're broken!" and then we can take steps to fix me.  it seems morbid to hope for the worst, but really, feeling this way is getting really old...

WTF - A List

look, i'm a pretty go-with-it kind of a chick.  i understand that life requires highs and lows, flows and ebbs, and i do my best to enjoy or survive these things.  but seriously?  this is getting RIDICULOUS.  rather than ranting, i'm simply going to list the plethora of stupidity that has happened in the past year and a half or so.  i'm not sure what i did to piss off the universe - because really, i thought the 'verse and i were pretty buddy-buddy, but apparently i was wrong - but i wish i could fix it. so... a list:

1. start of mysterious illness (9/07)

2. mysterious illness worsens to the point that i'm unable to work and teach the way i want to, and the way my kids deserve

3. doctor after doctor after doctor until i'm a pincushion and still no diagnosis

4. i'm so ill that i fall behind on my teacher licensing, which needed to be done by the end of the school year

5. licensing got delayed, and i got caught in budget cuts

6. tried my best working part time, but couldn't make ends meet

7. no insurance now, and worsening symptoms

8. offered a job out of state, went in debt to move

9. get cut from that job, and i have a $1250 a month to pay in rent - oh, and still in debt

10. get scorched and end up with a festering cesspool of blisters for a shoulder.

11. and.... wait for it... while at the doctor's for the blistering shoulder, he discovers that i have a heart murmur.

yep, because being jobless in a town where i hang out with exactly one person (well, one and a half, i guess), have exorbitant rent and a few thousand dollars in debt, and a medical condition with no know cause or cure just isn't enough.  let's add a heart murmur to the mix. and because my mother occasionally reads this blog, i can't swear as much as i would really, really, really like to, so i'll just leave it at what the hell?!? aaaaarrrgh!!!