Happy Voodoo Day!

many, many years ago, john and i created a holiday. we named it "voodoo day," but please don't ask me why, because i haven't the foggiest. neither of us is big on christmas, and all the festivities surrounding it, and all the duties to friends and families during the time... they wear us out. they wear everyone out, really. you spend so much time prepping and planning and decorating and cooking and catering to everyone else that all you really want to do a few days after christmas is curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. that is the principle behind voodoo day. it's a day - smack dab in the middle of christmas and new year's - that is not about other people. it's about you. to properly celebrate voodoo day, you don't buy gifts for others; you buy something nice for you. you do something indulgent for yourself. go get a massage, find a fabulous pair of shoes, get a mani-pedi, listen to your favorite cd even though everyone else hates it. whatever. doesn't matter what you do, as long as you take a moment to enjoy something for yourself, not for anyone else. so happy voodoo day, all!! may you enjoy your self-indulgent moment, and get back a little bit of energy that the holidays have stolen.

On The First Day of Christmas, My Best Friend Gave To Me... A Trip to th'Emergency Rooooom

the day started with me taking john to the ER. a friend of his came over last night, dropped a glass coaster and broke it, and john managed to step on a sliver and cut himself fairly deeply. after bleeding everywhere - which i had to clean up, mind you, as the gay boys were all drunk and passing out - he went to bed instead of letting me take him to the hospital. in the morning, it still hurt and was still oozing blood a little, so i insisted on taking him in. the hospital in question - holy cross - was totally worth the trip. not only was it beautiful, with reflecting ponds and lovely mosaics, but very entertaining as well. outside was a HUGE nativity scene. since it was christmas day, we decided to join in with the fun.

after winding our way through the maze to the ER (john simply parked at the main entrance, not the ER entrance), we checked in and then waited to be called. our journey was helped by the adorable signs that let us know where to go.

after a short wait, john's name was called. since there was nothing else for me to do but sit around and be bored, i went with. the triage nurse went through all the standard questions and whatnot, but she was very fun - smartass-y and joking with us. she asked about medical history and as john explained, she jotted it down on his chart.

"now, do you smoke, drink, or do drugs?"

"um, i smoke and drink. i haven't done drugs in a long time, but i used to. wait, i cut my foot - is that relevant?"

"well, i like to ask. it gets very boring up here, and i like to make conversation. it's all strictly for the entertainment of the triage nurse, really."

we both burst out laughing. we were shown to room and hung out for a little while. i spent my time keeping john from accidentally destroying expensive medical equipment until we figured out how to work the tv and put on the travel channel. in the end, john didn't get stitches because he waited too long to come in - he should've come in the night before like i told him - but had an x-ray to make sure all the glass was out and a tetanus shot. it really didn't take long for an ER visit, and was quite entertaining, all in all.

then we had to find our way back to the car. after getting lost twice (once in the "ambulance only" area, where we definitely shouldn't have been), we asked the hot security guard how to get back to the main entrance. turns out, you can't get to the main entrance from the emergency wing without a security card which, luckily, the guard had. we retraced our steps and somehow ended up lost again. but we found a very pretty area outside the cafeteria, with bistro tables and a water feature. and absolutely NO smoking. this time, a nurse saw us looking around confusedly, took pity on us, and pointed us in the right direction. we (finally) made our way out to the car and back to john's to relax for a bit before heading out to dinner. so that was a fun-filled christmas afternoon. never a dull moment...

Is It Weird That I Feel Bad?

caught (what is presumably) mouse #3 and set him outside. i clearly can't leave them in my house to run amok when i'm away (amok, amok, amok!), but i feel awful for exiling them to the frozen tundra that is the outside world. i worry that they won't find a decent place for shelter or enough food - what the hell is wrong with me? they're field mice - they know how to survive outside, right? but what if they're little, and were born inside... will their instincts still kick in so they can find food and shelter? or will they freeze their little tails off? i'll feel terrible if i went through all the trouble of trapping them and setting them free just to give them a death sentence outside. i think i need help... or a higher dosage of zoloft...

If I Could Just Teach Him How To Ride a Motorcycle...

for the last few weeks, i've been living with a mouse. i thought it was just one, now i KNOW it's at least two, and it may have been three, though one is back outside freezing his butt off. i have no desire to kill the poor things (because, really, who can blame them for wanting a nice warm place to stay?) but they're too damn clever for their own good. i got one out (i think) a week or so ago - the trap was closed, it seemed heavier, and i put it outside... thing was, it was too cold that morning for me to hang around to watch, so i just set it up and left it. when i got back from work, it was empty, and i figured a) i caught him and got him out, or 2) he figured out how to get the peanut butter out and i didn't get him at all. then i heard scampering the next night and figured i didn't really trap him at all. but this morning the trap was closed, but didn't really feel any heavier. i looked inside, but saw nothing. apparently, though, this mouse was tiny and managed to curl up in the back and i didn't see him. when i saw the little brown one a few minutes ago, i got up to reset the trap. when i pulled out the back to put in more peanut butter, out plunked the other mouse (which was a rude awaking, since he seemed to be snoozing - took him a second to take off) onto the floor. i've reset the trap, but i'm afraid that now they know what happens when you get the peanut butter, they won't even get near the thing again. *sigh* i refuse to kill them, because that's just plain mean, but there aren't a lot of "catch and release" traps out there... most of them are the fatal kind. and though they don't really get into much (at least not of MY stuff - who knows what they do in the rest of the basement) they really need to go. time for round two...

At Least It's Only Once a Year...

christmas sucks for me. always has, and i don't totally understand it. it always makes me sad and depressed. i figured that this year would be different since i would be with the man i planned on spending my life with. yeah, well... since that's not happening, it's turning into the worst holiday season ever. i'm ridiculously depressed, obviously, and there's just no getting out of it. and as much as i love my family - and i really do - there's just no way i'm going to be able to function around all the holiday crap and family stuff. i had a minor breakdown on thanksgiving, and that family didn't even belong to me. (sorry about that, c... but thanks for dealing with me!) so, i will be spending christmas with the bff. i'm flying down to ft. lauderdale on christmas eve (i know, i know, but it was $50-100 cheaper than any other day) and we will be enjoying christmas on miami beach. christmas dinner will be at benihana's. it will be our very non-christmas-y christmas. he can't be with his family as he has to work the day before and after, and christmas really isn't his thing either... plus, we've both had a seriously crappy year, so hopefully this will be good for both of us. we'll see. i totally expect to become a big blubbery mess at some point, but hopefully i'll manage to wait till i'm not in public. we'll see. all i know is that he's my bff for a reason, so hopefully we'll make each other feel better...

Mad As a Box of Frogs

if you haven't yet scene syfy's "alice," you should really do yourself a favor and watch it - especially if you saw and enjoyed "tin man" from a few years ago. (i watched it on youtube here, and i'm sure you can find it on hulu or elsewhere.)  go watch the show - enjoy, among other things, matt frewer (taggart from "eureka") as the "mad as a box of frogs" (my new favorite phrase) white knight, colm meany's slightly-witless-but-not-a-complete-cuckolded-idiot king of hearts, and all the fun associations you can draw between what you remember about the book and original movie and this version of wonderland. and then there's the end bit...

Brilliant Lyrics (and a Really Cute Video)

"we get on" by kate nash... this is about halfway through the song. LOVE these friends...

So I went to that party
everyone they were kind of arty
And I was wearing this dress
'cause I wanted to impress
But I wasn't sure if I look my best
'cause I was so nervous
But I carried on regardless
strutting through each room
trying to find you

And when I saw you kissing that girl
My heart, it shattered
and my eyes, they watered
and when I tried to speak I stu-uttered

And my friends were like "Whatever,
you'll find someone better,
his eyes are way too close together
and we never even liked him from the start.
And now he's with that tart,
and I heard she'd done some really nasty stuff
down in the park with Michael.
He said she's easy
and if your guy's with someone that's sleazy
then he ain't worth your time
cause you deserve a real nice guy"

So I proceeded to get drunk and to cry

I locked myself in the toilets for the entire night

love it. i looked for a video to attach, and found this - totally cute. enjoy.

Man, I Love This Song... And This Version

further proof that bob dylan is a brilliant, brilliant poet, but should let other, more qualified people do the singing...

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

To make you feel my love...

Ok, I Lied; I CAN Think of an Analogy...

(it seems i can always come up with a good metaphor...)

i didn't understand it was possible to hurt this badly; to feel this sort of soul-crushing pain. i mean, i suppose i sort of acknowledged the idea of it, just as you - having never broken a bone - can acknowledge that breaking one is going to hurt. i've broken bones before, literally and figuratively, and so i thought i knew what to expect. but i forgot that there's an intense difference between, say, fracturing your wrist and breaking a couple of ribs. (both of which i've had the displeasure of experiencing, thankyouverymuch.) the wrist hurts, it lays you up for a while, it's difficult to do a lot of the things you're used to doing.... but after a short while the pain is more annoying than anything, and you quickly learn to compensate with the other hand until the pain has faded completely. breaking ribs, on the other hand, is a totally different story. the pain is intense, crippling. it's hard to breathe, it's stabbingly painful to even try, and the slightest movement in any part of your body will set off explosions of white-hot searing pain. and that shit doesn't heal quickly, either. with a wrist, you can put on a cast or a splint, give it a month or two, and you're as good as new. ribs? yeah, not so much. there's nothing you can do short of immobilizing your entire body, and the stabbing pain can take between 6 months and a year to go away. and even after it's supposedly healed, it can still give you twinges, years later. so i thought i'd known emotional pain and heartache, but it turns out it was just a fractured wrist. now i've got several crushed and broken ribs and i'm struggling for my very breath. not a pretty picture, granted, but at least it's accurate, and may help explain how i'm feeling...

A Visual Aid for the Current State of My Soul

i would be the blue one on the left...

(the extreme irony, of course, being that the artist is the one who rendered me so...)

From Such Great Heights

just as you had to bear with me when i was at an extremely high point in my emotional well-being, you will now have to deal with the extreme low. i apologize for this, but well, this blog is a catch-all for my thoughts and feelings, and nothing in either of those categories is very optimistic at the moment. i don't have an analogy or metaphor strong enough to express how shattered i am inside and how hard it is to even breathe right now. part of the problem, i think, is that i fell from such a height - it's one thing to be happy, but i was happy to the exclusion of all other things. other issues, money problems, stress... none of that mattered in the least, because i was so over the moon. i've never had that kind of happy before, ever. it was the best i've ever felt, ever. not to say i've NEVER been happy, because clearly i have, but not like this. not like nothing could touch me and everything was possible. not even when i was seven, and the world was still full of magic. so to have it taken away, so suddenly and so completely, was beyond devastating. it's like my world imploded, and i was trapped in the center, helpless to stop it. the pain is overwhelming, and really, that concerns me a little - i was thinking about this this morning... i am currently on 100 mg of zoloft a day; can you imagine if i were not? if i can be this depressed WHILE on anti-depressants, i shudder to think of the mess i could be without chemical help. my philosophy does not allow for suicide, but i think i would be close to those depths, if (again) i allowed for such thinking. it's all icky, i am icky, and i'm sorry - i try not to break down in public or in front of anyone if i can help it, but i can't promise that i won't have a moment here and there. i'm SO very tired of the crying, of the miserableness, of everything, but i just can't get out of it yet...

Stealing Stuff from Sami

(man, i love a good alliteration...)

my friend sami had this posted as her status: [sami] is damaged and thus will hurt you if you get too close. Therefore, I accept my sentence of experiencing this life by myself...

i feel like these words sum up my emotional state right now, and so i am stealing them.

Sleeps, Works, and Cries

yep, this is now my modus operandi. throw in a little t.v. and the occasional book, and there you have giraffes; this is my life. add to the mix the fact that my lease is up in 9 days and i have nowhere to move to... yeah. fun times.

It's That Time Again, Kids!

time to buy the celebratory birthday shoe! and before anyone scoffs, i give you this disclaimer: look, i don't expect much for my birthday, because they usually kinda suck. birthday plans? yeah, those usually go right in the toilet. major illnesses/injuries seem happen on or around the day, so that i can't do something if i actually had something to do. so i have scaled back my expectations for my birthday. i get to buy myself a fabulous pair of shoes to wear on the day, and i get to eat at benihana. that's all i ask to make me happy.  so, back to the shoes...  i have some front-runners from a trip to off-broadway shoes the other day (and the cutest bag... i really adore it), but haven't yet scoped out dsw. maybe tomorrow night or saturday. ok, on with the parade of possibilities. and remember, comments and suggestions are welcomed, as always. 

the first two have a similar vibe, both d'orsay with stone embelishment...

yes, yes, these are ridiculous, but they were so sparkly i had to try them on. (shut up, here's my girl card...)

these are the ones i like best, but with 4 and 1/2 inch heels - let's just say i'm not exactly 23 anymore, and neither are the joints.  i noticed i really swish when walking, hips all over the place.... but they're just so darned cute!

i think, though, that it'll come down to the purple shoe. somehow, by some error of judgement, i do not have a pair of purple shoes. this must be remedied. now, the first pair are sweet and fairly practical - i can easily wear those again, no problem.  the second pair is a bit more... froofy and over the top and fun...

you know, i think it's the rock-n-roll back zipper that is then covered demurely with an ultra-femme bow.  just sayin...

ok, thoughts, comments, likes, dislikes, etc.?

What, No YouTube Page Yet?

there's a church just down the street from jon's apartment complex. i noticed as we passed by that the notice board in front read, "follow us on twitter! sunday service 10:00". i remarked that this seemed odd to me - jon hadn't noticed the sign, though, so we didn't explore the topic. however, after taking me to the airport, he did see the sign and the following text conversation (which spanned a couple days, in between other discussions) took place:

j: what if we were at this church down the road, and the priest says, "let's bow our heads. let us pray." and he pulls out his cell phone and says as he types, "weeeee aaaaaarre praaaaaayyiiiiiing."

k: i was wondering how that works. i mean, do they put up all the important parts of the sermon, or just things like, "bingo on wednesday"?

j: "taaaaakinnnng up offffferrrrrring platesssssss"

k: lol. "paaarrrrishioneerrrrs cheeeapskaaaaaates this weeeeeeeek"

j: haha. "baaaaptiismmm waaas a suuccessss."

k: "fiiiiivve peeeeeople laaaaaate. dooooooonnn't lettt this be yooooouuu nexxxxxt weeeeek"

j: "baaabiieeeeess suuuckkk duuuuuring serrrrrmon. loooove, faaaaaaather jooooones."

k: hilarious!

j: have we worn this out?

k: probably, but it's still making me giggle....

j: "pleeeeeeaaaase doooo not maaaaake chaaaaange in the offerrrrring plate. thanks broootherrr phiillll."

k: too funny! "iiiit's caaaaalled a crrrryyyy rooooom for a reeaaason - thaaaat's where the cryyyyying braaats goooo..."

j: (whispers as he types) pleeeeaase god, heeeelp usssss. this orrrrganissst is the reason baaaaabiiiies cryyyyyy!"

ok, so maybe that was all way more entertaining to us than to anyone else, but it's totally a good point - apparently my aunt's church is on facebook... why, exactly? don't you have a bulletin for that? it just seems kinds odd...

Quote of (Quite Probably) the Month

text from john last week:

"a lesson that only needs to be learned once: never make a hot pepper sandwich and then scratch your balls."

*don't worry - john and both his balls have fully recovered.

Just Let Me Have My Delusions, Please

actual text conversation between me and john mario last friday night:

me: this is a new experience - watching old people dance the electric slide to "mustang sally." at the american legion. that's right - i'm living up my friday night!

john: wow, not quite like teh friday nights we had 10 years ago, huh?

me: right? and i'm having fun. oi. please don't mention this to anyone. i don't want to sound as sad as i've apparently become... :)

john: dear, i'm off this weekend. right this moment i am removing bits of adhesive from my living room wall. party on.

me: excellent. we are sad together.

john: and apparently sad apart as well.

john: the only possible thing more sad than what i am doing right now is that an hour ago, at work, i was looking forward to it.

me: yeah... let's not share this with anyone... we have reps to uphold.

john: i hate to tell you this, dear, but these ARE our reps.

me: yeah... i just wanted to hold onto the illusion...

*sigh* it's so sad being old...

It's The Little Things

i just spent the most amazing week with jon in alabama (yes, kids, i know - but it's not like the deliverance-type images you're conjuring in your heads). seriously amazing. we didn't do anything special really, just spent the week doing every-day-life stuff: driving around, visiting with friends, wandering around the beach for a bit, renting movies, and the like. and i wouldn't have changed a minute of it. everything was so... easy. like we've lived together for ages and already developed routines, and just fell back into them. so obviously, we work really well together - we have similar interests and spiritual beliefs, we both believe family is important, we are very compatible physically (and not just that, gutter-dwellers, but also things like kissing, hand-holding, lounging on the couch together - don't get me wrong, though, there are no complaints in any area...). but sometimes it's the little things that assure me that this will work. like the following conversation, which took place on the walk back to the car after lunch at a beach-side restaurant.

j: orange beach is celebrating their 25th anniversary, so there are lots of activities and things going on this week.

k: very cool.

j: and every place is celebrating. you know when we went to my store and i ran in to get my check? they had cupcakes and drinks and stuff out for the customers for the anniversary.

k: nice!

(pause)

k: wait, there were cupcakes and you didn't bring me one?

j: well, i didn't know you'd want one.

k: um, i pretty much always want cake. just for future reference.

j: duly noted. cake good.

k: unless it's chocolate cake.

j: it WAS chocolate.

(pause)

j: you don't like chocolate?? what's wrong with you?

k: no - i just don't like chocolate-flavored stuff. ice cream and cake and things. it doesn't taste like chocolate to me.

j: (nods) it's like watermelon candy.

k: what?

j: watermelon candy. if i gave you a piece of candy, you could put it in your mouth and immediately say, "hey, that's watermelon!" but if you then took a bite of an actual watermelon, they taste nothing alike.

k: you're so right! why do we call it watermelon flavor then? grape flavoring's sorta the same thing.

j: and grape-scented stuff...

see? i realize a lifetime of conversations like these doesn't sound like the stuff dreams are made of, but really? i can't wait. :o)

Officially Counting Down...

yes, i know i'm a big fat dork. please shut up. it's just that i'm crazy excited, and clearly this excitement has robbed me of my senses temporarily. hopefully, i will be able to return you to your regularly scheduled karen shortly...

Apparently, the Hedgehogs Take Their Cues From Humans - Or Vice Versa

the camp i'm working at this week is in a nature center. so to keep the kids quiet, they show them nature videos at lunch. today's selection was on nocturnal animals. this is from the part about hedgehogs:

"the male makes a curiously jerky approach to the female, accompanied by snorting and snuffling.  occasionally, to encourage her, he gives her a shove."

yeah, that sounds about right... especially around the teenage years.  :o) also, this is clearly a definition of "encourage" i am not familiar with...

From The Small Obnoxious Girl Today:

"yo, yo, yo! my name is jo*, i gots a 'fro**, i wear my pants down low. wooooooooooooorrrd!"

*incidentally, her name in not "jo"

** nor does she have a "fro"; she is korean, so she has the standard "long, black, shiny" 'do.

Why I Heart Edward Monkton

(and, sidebar: wow, have *i* been slacking... i haven't written a blog in over 2 months! and i know i've had internal monologues to share in that time. ah, well...)

I Have a Little Student... She Is Small and Very Funny

if you've never seen the kids show "charlie and lola", well, you should.  it's supercute and clever and funny - the kind of show parents actually like watching with their parents. (or the kind jen and i watch even if gray isn't in the room...) anyway, one of my kindergartners reminds me so much of lola that i've actually started calling her that, which is ok by her since she "loves that movie".  (actually, when i called her that yesterday, she said - hands on hips - "actually i can't be lola.  i don't have butterflies in my hair!") she doesn't have the british accent, but because she lived in the u.k. and went to pre-school there, there's an english formality to her phrasing and cadence. she's pretty awesome, and she entertains me daily.  and for those of you not in the know, here's a little glimpse of the kind of shenanigans i get to witness daily...

Can't You Just Do Something Stupid? I'm Used To That...

just a note, first:  this is a departure for me, because i'm not a big "share my private life" sort of person. i mean, i'm not secretive or anything, but... you know,  i think it has something to do with how people relate to me as an empath - people tell me all sorts of things i don't need (or sometimes want) to know about what's going on in their lives.  it's like subconsciously they pick up that i'll understand them and their point of views, so if they feel confused or need to talk something through, they seem to automatically come to me.  but because people are generally self-concerned creatures (and i'm not being mean, it's just human nature), if i start talking about my issues, i don't get the same concern from others.  so i've just gotten used to keeping to myself, which is fine, and all-around easier as far as i'm concerned.  but this is not the point of this blog; this is just some exposition so you know where i'm coming from.  rob mentioned something yesterday that made me rethink some things about myself, and that's the point of this blog.  ok, tedious explanation over.

i've never been that girl that gets lots of showy attention from guys.  i don't know that i've ever (to this point anyway) really had any romance in my life - again, i just don't seem to inspire that from guys. and i'm generally ok with that... or, rather, i've gotten used to it.  i've never had it, so i really don't know what do with it.  and really, i'm not a need-to-be-pampered girly-girl; my best friends have always been guys, and i only have a handful of really good girl friends - and generally, these are girls who are a lot like me.  plus, the universe seems to think that i shouldn't be allowed to have relationships, so that's another thing i've (unfortunately) gotten used to.  so i've been completely thrown off lately because i suddenly have a boy who's romancing the hell out of me. i'm loving it, don't get me wrong, but after 32 years of not ever having it, it's totally throwing me for a loop. 

i was mentioning this to rob the other day, and said that i'm just not the type of girl that guys feel like showering with romance and sweetness. rob narrowed his eyes and said, "well, it's more that you inspire guys to run around doing stupid things to see if you're impressed by them, instead of seeing if you're impressed by flowers." i started to object, and then realized he was absolutely right.  as much as i might roll my eyes about it, i like my boys to be, well, boys.  so it makes sense that i would attract the guys whose idea of romancing or wooing someone is not necessarily hearts and candy.  and while i wouldn't be surprised if this one did something random and silly to get my attention (which he does from time to time), he spends a lot of time being sweet and honest and making me feel like the most desirable woman in the world.  which, again, is awesome, but.... different.  and taking some getting used to.  though i have to admit, it's pretty addictive...

Is It Wrong To Hope for Something Bad?

i've been mysteriously ill for a year and a half now. fatigue, pain, blahdi, blahdi, blah, and it's still not fixed.  it's been labeled "fibromyalgia" (and we all know how i feel about that title), but it wasn't ever a clear diagnosis, since i had other issues that didn't fit into that mold. it's not leukemia, it's not my thyroid, and no, it's not lupus. a week or so ago, i had the worst spot (and yes, it was just a spot, on my left shoulder) of sunburn i think i've ever had. so i went to the urgent care place to see if there was anything i could do for the pain.  while taking the routine vitals, the doctor says, "you know you have a heart murmur, right?" clearly assuming i DID know.  which i didn't.  so i found a regular doctor, saw her on friday, and she concurred that there was a murmur.  when you add that to all the other things that are wrong with me, my heart becomes suspect.

today, i went in for an echocardiogram (which is basically an ultrasound of your heart).  i should find out within a week what's what.  and of course i don't want my heart to have a severe problem - it's my heart, and i kinda need it to, you know, survive and stuff.  but a part of me hopes that it is; that there's something there so they can finally say, "there! that's why you're broken!" and then we can take steps to fix me.  it seems morbid to hope for the worst, but really, feeling this way is getting really old...

WTF - A List

look, i'm a pretty go-with-it kind of a chick.  i understand that life requires highs and lows, flows and ebbs, and i do my best to enjoy or survive these things.  but seriously?  this is getting RIDICULOUS.  rather than ranting, i'm simply going to list the plethora of stupidity that has happened in the past year and a half or so.  i'm not sure what i did to piss off the universe - because really, i thought the 'verse and i were pretty buddy-buddy, but apparently i was wrong - but i wish i could fix it. so... a list:

1. start of mysterious illness (9/07)

2. mysterious illness worsens to the point that i'm unable to work and teach the way i want to, and the way my kids deserve

3. doctor after doctor after doctor until i'm a pincushion and still no diagnosis

4. i'm so ill that i fall behind on my teacher licensing, which needed to be done by the end of the school year

5. licensing got delayed, and i got caught in budget cuts

6. tried my best working part time, but couldn't make ends meet

7. no insurance now, and worsening symptoms

8. offered a job out of state, went in debt to move

9. get cut from that job, and i have a $1250 a month to pay in rent - oh, and still in debt

10. get scorched and end up with a festering cesspool of blisters for a shoulder.

11. and.... wait for it... while at the doctor's for the blistering shoulder, he discovers that i have a heart murmur.

yep, because being jobless in a town where i hang out with exactly one person (well, one and a half, i guess), have exorbitant rent and a few thousand dollars in debt, and a medical condition with no know cause or cure just isn't enough.  let's add a heart murmur to the mix. and because my mother occasionally reads this blog, i can't swear as much as i would really, really, really like to, so i'll just leave it at what the hell?!? aaaaarrrgh!!!

The Only Time Snoring (and Drooling) Is Cute

i went over to jen's the other day; i took with me the plethora of crafting supplies i own, to help her put together a project for her sister's birthday.  we were in the sunroom, stuff spread out on the floor, the boy playing next to us with his jungle playset thingie.  after awhile, gray decided he wanted to play with our stuff instead, and did not take it well that we kept moving things like scissors and stamp pads out of his reach.  to appease him, i put him on my lap and began trying to distract him with random toys, so his mommy could work.  he was playing with his blue elephant when he leaned to the side and passed out cold, 60 to 0 in 5 seconds flat.  he's got a bit of a cold, so he's a bit snuffly when breathing - despite this fact, he had crashed face-down into my sleeve, and wouldn't be moved. so i had an armful of cute, snoring, 8-month-old baby while the two of us giggled at him.  too precious. :o)

But What Am I Going To Wear?

i'm not sure if the following story makes a statement about the kind of person i am, that c is, or about our friendship in general... (possibly all of the above.)

c called me earlier this evening and said, "ok, so just be aware, you and i are going to slovakia.  possibly soon."  my first question was, "when are we going?" the second, "what's the weather like?" which naturally led to, "what should i pack?" and then, "how am i affording this?" not until about 8 or 9 on the question list did i finally come up with "wait, WHY are we going to slovakia?"  nope, didn't even crack the top 5 in the List of Pertinent Information about taking a trip half-way around the world to places i've never been and don't speak even the slightest bit of the language. 

i have priorities, it just seems as though they're in a slightly different order from the rest of the world...

Just Hand Me the Green Sippy Cup And No One Gets Hurt

this past weekend i went to orlando for a little r & r, some bnl, and a few other initials. the flight i found took me up to nyc before heading down to florida - because clearly, it's cheaper to take 2 flights instead of one and head north before going south - but should have been fairly easy. flight at 12:50, an hour layover at jfk, then into orlando at 5:40. yeah, i should know better. i found bwi, parked out in the long-term lot, and made it to my flight on time. i boarded the plane and we started toward the runway. then we sat there. and sat there. finally the captain came on, appologized, and explained that jfk was "regulating the volume of planes in and out of the airport," and we'd be sitting on the tarmac for another 50 minutes till we were cleared to leave. fantastic. then later in the flight, we were instructed to go into a holding pattern over atlantic city. when we finally touched down, and i made my way to the terminal (just 2 minutes before my next flight was scheduled to leave), i found out that it had actually left early. lovely. ok, no problem, just have to find the next flight. which wasn't till 8:30 that night. it was the only other flight from jfk to mco. so eventually they found me a flight to boston, which then connected with a flight to orlando. fine. then the flight to boston was delayed. when i got to boston, i had to switch airlines, and therefore terminals. wonderful. seriously, i must have walked over a mile - and quickly - to get to the delta flight. there were no trams, so i had to hoof it through corridor after corridor, down an escalator, and to another terminal, where i had to go through security again. at this point, it's 7:05 and my flight is set to leave at 7:20. and of course they have to look through my bag. "i'm never making my flight," i said wearily to the nice man who had to shake down my luggage. "what time?" he asked. i told him. "no problem, just head down that escalator and it'll be straight ahead. good! down the escalator, check. then.... not so much. three more long corridors (two of which had people-movers that were broken) up another escalator, then down to the end of the terminal to get to the gate. i was the next to last person to get on before the aircraft doors were shut. luckily we had an extremely entertaining old queen of a flight attendant that made me laugh. plus, my card wouldn't go through when i tried to pay for a fruit and cheese tray (i hadn't been able to eat since noon-ish), so he gave it to me for free. when i finally got to orlando, and finally got to rob's car, he handed me a green sippy cup (well, a sports bottle) full of gentleman jack and coke. and that, dear reader, is a good friend.

"Thank God You're There, I Can Shut Up Now."

on tuesday, i was sent out on an errand to our accountants' office. i had to google map it, of course, since i only have a working knowlege of direction in an 5 mile radius from my home. i had to map it twice since it automatically sent me on I-95, and that is not a motorway i care to attempt at 9 in the morning. i set out, 2 different sets of directions in hand. i decided to go the "long way" (read: not I-95) and was doing pretty well until some asshat decided to drive into me leaving me with two options: collide with the idiot and likely (as we were going 60 mph) end up in a hospital or a morgue, or jerk the wheel hard to the right and take an exit for some random state highway. clearly, i chose to live, however i now had a problem. i was not on either of my projected paths, and while it would seem like an easy thing just to turn around and get back on the other road, yeah, that wasn't an option - there was no apparent entrance from this road. i was in springfield, which i'd been in a few times, but i had no CLUE how to get from where i was to where i was going. so i called my personal gps system - my mother.

if mom is in her office, she's generally at the computer, which means she can look up addresses and directions and what-not for me. luckily, she was, so she did. unluckily, however, my phone took this moment to die - and my charger cord was mysteriously not in the car anywhere. now i couldn't even call the office itself for directions. i was now officially lost. and late. fan-figgin-tastic. eventually, i found my way to 395, miraculously chose the right direction, and got to where i was going. but i was done. i stopped on the way home to buy a gps.

i went to best buy. when the guy in the area came up to ask me what i needed, i said, "i'm tired of getting lost in this stupid area and i need a gps. preferable a tomtom. here, this one is good." "don't you want to look at some of the others?" "nope, just give me this one, it's fine." "well, ok, if you know what you want..." 15 minutes later, i had my gps. the next day at work, i downloaded an "optional voice" for the tomtom - eddie izzard. this is by far the best 5 pounds i have ever spent. or probably ever will. some of the directions are straight-forward, of course, but others.... on the way home last night i was told, "bear left, monkey right," "go straight on, you fool!" and then to "take the second left" in his sexie voice. today, when i chose not to take the route it set up for me, eddie yelled, "turn around straight away! and stop pissing about!"

brilliant. no more getting lost, and eddie tells me where to go. i'm pretty sure this is going to stop me from wanting to kill people the next time i'm stuck in traffic.

What, What, WHAT??

c has just informed me - and i went to the website to confirm it - that steven page is "parting company" with the rest of the barenaked ladies. i don't know how to feel about this. i mean, obviously i'm kinda upset about it; but the rest of them are going back into the studio in a few months to record some new stuff, so that's good, right? but is steve going to be in orlando with everyone else when i see them next weekend? i hope so... and i'd like to think he'd like to do one more show with them before bowing out. eeks...

and is it wrong of me to be glad that if it's anyone, it's steve and not ed?

Do I Really Have To Graduate, Or Can I Just Stay Here?

while listening to o-rock's online station (which is the only way you can listen to the good music now, since the programming jerks decided to make it another generic "we play everything" station), the song "i love college" by asher roth came on. i am thoroughly amused by this song. lyrics are here, and the video is just below. lyrical highlights (at least in my book):

i wanna go to college for the rest of my life

sip banker's club and drink miller lite

on thirsty thursday and tuesday night ice

and i can get pizza a dollar a slice

i miss dollar-a-slice pizza. not so much the other stuff, but it's still a really amusing song...

What Exactly Goes Into Making Snot?

where is all this snot coming from? seriously, if we go by sheer volume from the last, say, five hours, i should have dropped at least 7-10 pounds. and it can only come from my head right? there's a finite amount of space in there - certainly not enough room to house the gallons of ickiness pouring out through my nose and watering from my eyes. i don't understand. and why can't the rest of my body work this efficiently? because it's clearly doing an excellent job of cranking out buckets of grossness around the clock. ick. just... ick.

i'm not even going to get started on the particular shade of magenta my nose is at the moment...

Life is a Mix Tape, Part 3: The Singles

"there are millions of songs in the world, and millions of ways to connect them into mixes. making the connections is part of the fun of being a fan." -rob sheffield

delving again into my musical memories... this time i'm posting songs that remind me of particular mix tapes/cd's/playlists and what went on around them.

4 "right here, right now" by jesus jones: this was on a random mix tape i made from the radio - you know, where you sat by your radio/tape deck, just waiting for one of your favorite songs to come on so you could hit "record".... and hoping the dj didn't talk over any of the good parts? i rediscovered this tape in college, just before we took arkansas bear on the road. not knowing what was on it (it was only labeled "fun and 80's"), i took it with us on the trip. at some point we popped the tape into the university van we were driving and had a great time singing and laughing and discussing the songs on the tape. this song was on that tape - and not the crappy radio edit either, the actual album version. for some unknown reason, some record label jerk apparently decided that they needed to shave another 15 seconds from an already-barely-three-minute-song and take out a small guitar solo. there are also slight variances in the backing beats - i'm not sure what they are exactly, but i can recognize the difference. i caught this particular version one late night (or early morning) when i was sick and couldn't sleep. i was downstairs in the rocking chair listening to the radio when this came on and i hit "record". it was the first time i'd heard this version, and it was somehow better than the normally-heard-on-the-radio version.

4 "tell me lies" by fleetwood mac: this song was actually not on the tape, but the radio dj had put this on immediately following "right here, right now." so although i pressed stop before the song really started, i still got the first 4 notes of this song - and apparently i listened to this tape enough that this transition is indelibly inscribed on my brain; i didn't even realize this until just now, when i played jesus jones, and the opening notes to "tell me lies" immediately popped up in my head.

4"unchained melody" by the righteous brothers: this song was also on that mix tape, though i'm not really sure what possessed me to tape this, but i'm guessing it probably has something to do with the movie ghost and its soundtrack. (that's my story, anyway, and i'm sticking to it.) i reached to ff through this song (we're still on that theatre trip, remember?) because i didn't really like it, when my hand was slapped away by craig - who then, along with the rest of the boys in our van, proceeded to sing the worst, off-key, caterwauling rendition of this song ever. on purpose. i was crying with laughter (and probably a burst ear drum) by the time they finished.

4 "it's a sunshine day" by the brady bunch: the next couple of songs were on a tape labeled "for drama" - it was just a tape i kept a bunch of songs on that i was using for drama class. this one was for a group pantomime: me, amanda, amber, mistey, paul, mike i think, and there had to be another boy, but i don't remember (someone help me out here?) decided to be the brady kids and alice going out for a picnic. we packed up a station wagon, ate and played games, then drove back home. it was a pretty awesome pantomime, if i remember correctly. (and i think i do.)

4 "summer breeze" by seals & croft: this actually wasn't my song - i think it was amanda's for her solo pantomime, because i associate it with her for some reason. i must have enjoyed the song enough to put it on a tape. or maybe we all rehearsed together or something, it's hard to tell...

4 "thirteen o'clock" from the labyrinth soundtrack: i used this one for my solo pantomime - i was a magician putting on a show. i wish i could have found it to add to the playlist, because it really is an excellent piece of music, but alas, instrumental music seems hard to find on the interwebs. anyway, the piece is now imbedded in my brain with the music... i could probably still do (most) of the 3 minute routine i made up for that assignment...

4"land of make believe" from the blast! soundtrack: this (and the next one) was from a cd i made while at disney titled "happy stuff". this is probably my favorite piece from the show, because it's just pure fun. plus steve was entertaining, and it was hysterical to watch kit making fun of him behind his back and then not tell him what he was doing. (the version in the playlist below isn't from blast - so it's not quite as good, and shorter - but this way you get the idea.)

4"hit me with your best shot" by pat benetar: this reminds me of candace (well, clearly - it's pat benetar) and also of that same summer. cristi and i, along with candace, rhonda, or whoever else we could drag with us, would often head over to epcot after work. i'm not sure why this particular song - maybe we started singing it randomly or something?

4"walk like an egyptian" by the bangles: this is from a mix tape made from the radio when i was in elementary school(ish). i remember - i'm thinking third grade, but i'm not sure - either amber or dawn bringing their portable boombox (and yes, they were called boomboxes, shush) and we would listen to it at recess. we were obsessed with this song for awhile, creating our own dances and music videos until we had to go back to class.

4 "kokomo" by the beach boys: same tape - i remember discovering the cocktail soundtrack... not such a great movie, but it's a kick-ass soundtrack. we even sang this in music class in the sixth grade, and i remember being confused about the words not being quite right. turns out the school board thought (probably correctly) that elementary school students shouldn't be singing about a "tropical contact high."

4"lollipop" by the chordettes: yep, still on the elementary-era tape. i have no idea why, but for some reason, this reminds me of being over at amy's house. did we sing this? dunno, but that's what pops in my head.

4 "the addams family theme" : in what? sixth grade? maybe fifth? somewhere in there, we did a jazz dance to this song that included big black boxes, white gloves, fushia sequins, and florescent polka-dotted bike shorts. awww, yeah.

4 "pennsylvania 65000" by the glen miller orchestra: also on the "for dance recitals" tape. this was earlier, i think... maybe fourth or fifth? not sure, but some of the footwork is still in my head, because it goes so well with the music.

4 "i alone" by live: this is from a high school mix tape, and always brings to mind the dreaded "who's on first" conversation when i called home from school to ask mom if i could go to a live concert that night with gretchen, her dad, and her brother. live wasn't very big yet so we went round and round till i finally shouted, "no! the name of the band is live! of course the concert is live, but that's their name!" mom and i still laugh about this.

4 "fat bottomed girls" by queen: i do love the queen, and forced them upon my friends. luckily, they mostly didn't mind. this song particularly reminds me of a gathering up at tricia's. me, trish, sarah, gretchen, possibly fedan, kenny, probably some of the boys - scott, bill, etc. - i don't remember exactly, but i remember having a cook out and a few of us ending up fully clothed in a pool.... clearly a result of said boys...

8 note: the quote at the beginning of this blog is from the book love is a mix tape by rob sheffield - a brilliant memoir of life and love by a contributing editor of rolling stone. it's lovely and sad and inspiring and funny and real, and why have you not gone out and bought it yet? go!

more mixed-tape goodness...

(i'm not sure why, but the playlist is not working for some reason... it WAS, but now it is not. so if you'd like to hear the songs, go here.)

Now, Honey, I'm Gonna Be Honest With You...

seriously, possibly one of the best tv moments EVER. i don't know gladys, but i wish i did. i must have watched this three times last night. i sent it to john, and he watched it when he got home from work midnight-ish. he laughed so hard he had to muffle himself with a pillow so he didn't wake the neighbors. yep, it's that funny. i had to make flair for in on facebook, so i did... and i'm thinking of making myself a t-shirt...

Because My Body Is Stupid and Not Letting Me Sleep...

25 random things... because i can't sleep yet. and really, don't you want to know me better? to understand me and my little nuances?

well, you should. jerk.

1. the ocd makes me get gas only in dollar amounts that end in .00 or .50.

2. unless i'm filling up my tank completely, in which case it doesn't matter. i don't know why.

3. i think i'd make an awesome radio personality.

4. i prefer my (hot) tea with milk and honey.

5. gerbera daisies are my favorite flowers.

6. i have a mole just above my right ankle. i think it's cute.

7. i really need to get my eyebrows waxed, but haven't found a good place around here yet.

8. i really need to meet people up here.

9. i don't know how to meet people anymore, unless i work with them or they're friends of friends. i'm too old to go out to random bars and just randomly strike up conversations with them...

10. i bought a black sequined skirt for $20 the other day.

11. i plan to wear it in vegas. don't know where, but hey, it's vegas, right? people wear all sorts of random things, and i can totally rock this skirt.

12. cirque's 'love' is quite possibly the best show i've ever seen in my life. if i could afford it, i'd completely fly to vegas just to see the show then fly back.

13. i really wish i had a dog, but i'd hate to leave him/her alone in the apartment all day by his/herself, so i don't have one.

14. i think gladys (of "i love jesus but i drink a little" fame on the ellen show) is an awesome person. i wish i knew her. i bet she'd be excellent at holiday parties.

15. i miss performing.

16. i was an insomniac in high school and part of college.

17. then i got mono, and that was the end of the insomnia, except for the very occasional bout.

18. i have a weird ocd thing with the phone. i hate calling people i don't know, even if i have a very legitimate reason to. this includes the doctor's office and other routine things. i will drive many miles out of my way to go and talk to these people so i don't have to call. or i make others call.

19. the zoloft, fortunately, helps with this, so i'm not a complete mess with the telephobia (i swear it really is called that) at the moment.

20. as a kid, i learned what the word "transmogrify" meant from calvin and hobbes. that cartoon strip was really educational...

21. i am a bibliophile; i have books everywhere in my apartment. in my bookcase, sure, but also in the living room, on the couch, on the dining room table, next to my bed, on the kitchen counter... they really are everywhere.

22. i can easily be in the middle of several books at once, and i only rarely get plot points confused. i look at it like switching the tv channel: sometimes you're in the mood for something serious, sometimes you like a bit of fluff; sometimes you want something new and different, sometimes it needs to be a classic that you already know by heart.

23. i am currently reading: mermaids in the basement, and the calvin and hobbes treasury there's treasure everywhere. i'm simultaneously (and at the same time) re-reading the princess bride, inkheart, and peter and the starcatchers.

24. i love going to the movies by myself.

25. the rain and thunderstorms are so soothing to me. i've slept through entire hurricanes without having any idea of the force of the storm.

Because C Asked Nicely

yesterday, in an attempt to find material for our new blogsite (more about that in a bit), i went looking for shoes - ridiculous, stupid shoes. i found many of these, but also found 4 fantastically on-sale pair of shoes that clearly needed to come home with me. so they did. hey, 4 pairs of name-brand shoes for $120? that's pretty awesome. sometimes it very helpful to live next to the country's largest outlet mall.

1. basic tan - i've been looking for a cute neutral pair for years now. these win.

2. navy d'orsay heels with pale pink polka dots - i have no blue heels, and these are just adorable. love the contrasting stripe on the instep!

3. black and gray satin reverse d'orsay heels - fantastic dressy shoes, and surprisingly comfy. i'm not usually a fan of the peep toe, but these were too cute to resist.

4. silver/gunmetal textured satin court shoes - ok, i realize these may seem a bit ridiculous or odd; but as someone who may possibly have been the mistress of an 18th century french king in a past life, i found myself completely drawn to them. plus, i totally pull these off. (i'm wearing them today with grey dress pants, and they look awesome.)

ahhh, a successful day of shoe-shopping... when i didn't mean to shop for shoes at all...

No, You Can't Say the Zed Word!

sheer brilliance.

apparently, some people (who would probably be my friends if i knew them) hacked into the computers for construction signs in austin, texas. they changed them to things like this:






other choices included, "the end is near!", "nazi zombies! run!", and the less creative (i think) "run for colder climates!". of course, it IS technically a crime, so the perps did get caught... but it's still fantastic. it totally would have made my drive to work. you can read the full story here.

Just Can't Help Being All Shook Up In My Blue Suede Shoes By My Burning Love When You Love Me Tender In Las Vegas. Love, Your Teddy Bear

john and i are planning a trip to vegas for sometime this year. clearly, research needs to go into this. i mean, you can’t just show up to the Frivolity Capital of the World without a game plan. there are so many things to do, it would be easy to become overwhelmed. so we started info-gathering. it started with three categories: shows; activities, clubs, etc.; and shopping. (because of course there were charts and graphs that needed to be made…) i have since changed the categories to "legit stuff," "ridiculousness," and "clearly we need to do this." and yes, i realize that some items in the “ridiculousness” and “clearly we need to do this” groups will overlap, but whatever. i’ll get to these charts at a later blog, i’m sure, but really this is all just exposition for the point of this blog. after the obvious suggestions – cirque du soleil, roulette, elvis impersonators – john suddenly took in a big dramatic breath.

“ooh! We should totally get married in vegas! by elvis, of course.”

it should be noted that honestly, i love this idea. it’s hilarious, tacky, ridiculous, and totally us. you just have to kind of ignore the fact that we both like boys and aren’t remotely attracted to each other. (well, we’re both attractive people, and we cannot take a bad picture together, but you know what i mean. and wow, did that sound conceited. ah, well – the picture thing is true, though. i'll put up the evidence in a later blog.) unfortunately, both of our mothers are staunch catholics and they would most probably disown us both if we did so. (john’s response: “hey, my parents might actually be excited that I’m marrying a girl.” but i can already hear my mother preparing a “marriage is a sacrament” speech, and john was forced to admit that we’d be yelled at by both sets of in-laws. it would be bad enough to be disowned by my own mother; but being renounced by both of them would certainly be traumatic.) but we are creative people, and naturally we found a way to get around this: we figured that none of these places is going to care if we don't have a marriage certificate as long as we let them know that WE know this. we can turn it into a “platonic soul mates” ceremony or something...

so we set about researching places to get married by elvis. because, really, if you’re going to get married in vegas, it really ought to be by the king, or by one of those drive-thru wedding chapels. otherwise, why even bother with vegas? (the one exception being people like my friend jen, who was actually from vegas, and had most of her family there.) this is my favorite site…. i was reading these out to john over the phone and i could barely speak because i was laughing so hard. there were at least two points in the conversation that i had to stop completely and just dissolve into giggles. this place is a gold mine of ridiculousness – it’s brilliant. the best parts:

1. can’t afford a hawaiian wedding? no problem – you can purchase the "blue hawaii" theme wedding. (hula dancer only an additional $140!)
2. no matter what package you choose, you get a copy of elvis and priscilla’s wedding certificate. perfect for framing next to yours, or for any of your scrapbooking needs.
3. elvis will escort the bride down the aisle. way swankier than be given away by your father, or anyone else that you might actually know in real life.
4. there are choices of themes for elvis. you can choose “gold lame," “black leather jumpsuit, “ or “aloha” for an additional fee. you know, just in case black leather doesn’t go with your bridal colors.
5. if you can’t decide, there’s always the “the famous dueling elvis package” – not one but TWO, that’s right, TWO elvises. you get a young elvis in gold lame, and (i would guess) an (older, fatter) elvis in his flashy sequined 70’s las vegas jumpsuit!
6. “flashy sequined 70’s las vegas jumpsuit” is actually a direct quote from the website. behold it’s awesome selling power!
7. you have the ability to have pictures like these in your wedding album:

8. you can be like these people! (actual website copy: “Las Vegas Weddings: Wedding in Las Vegas is one of the best wedding ideas- join the likes of Jon Bon Jovi and Billy Ray Cyrus!”) a few questions, people… do you really want to be just like billy ray cyrus?

i mean, look at that hair, people! you can't follow the example of someone who looks like this on purpose!

and i’m confused; is jon bon jovi marrying this guy?

oh, wait… this makes more sense…

and who exactly was richard simmons marrying? a woman? someone from this planet? richard, i’m pretty sure there’s a wedding day rule of not out-pompadour-ing your wedding officiant. it’s probably right after “don’t upstage the bride,” another rule which was probably broken…

awesomeness. i cannot make this stuff up!